Posts tagged ‘Youtube’

December 7, 2015

Youtube adverts celebrated by everyone

by philapilus

We were going to put a big shiny picture of Youtube’s logo here, but thought you might enjoy this ad for toothpaste instead

It was confirmed today that everyone just really fucking loves it when they click on a Youtube video and are subjected to a three minute sodding advert before being able to watch the sodding thing they clicked on in the first place.

A study found that the experience topped a list of things people enjoy, beating other contenders such as receiving automated calls about PPI, that moment when

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December 6, 2013

All future news stories to contain compulsory reference to Tom Daley’s sexuality

by philapilus
Tom Daley dive for Bronze

There will never again be a photo of Tom with an innocent caption

It was announced yesterday that the sexuality of diver Tom Daley will be mentioned at least once in every single news story from now on, no matter how tangential or implausible its relation to the topic.

After the British Olympic diver came out earlier in the week, it became apparent that the world would never be the same again, as every newspaper filled every page with speculations on his sex-life.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of Reading and Writing about Stuff, at the Slough College of Stuff, said “We are looking at a pre-Tom Daley and a post-Tom Daley media landscape here. From now on it is going to be impossible to talk about anything at all, without making some vaguely voyeuristic

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November 21, 2013

London Underground workers to be redesignated as gladiators

by philapilus
A deserted Temple Station platform - rush hour...

On the Tube no one can hear you scream

TfL has unveiled exciting new cuts to London Underground, which will involve closing every single ticket office, bringing staff out from the relative safety of their glass-fronted booths, and then pitting them against the aggressive, murderous hordes of London commuters.

At a press conference this morning, Mayor of London Boris Johnson said “Actually I… I… I think that this is going to be hugely popular, and um, you know very… very um, entertaining.

“It’s going to, you know, save us several million quid, and make for some great Youtube footage of our chaps and chapesses being, well, set upon I suppose.”

The revamp will also see lines run 24 hours a day at

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August 22, 2013

Half of all UK 7-year-olds rolled to school

by philapilus
Young and Fat

Some children however are nowhere near as obese, such as this chap here, who gets bullied for being skinny.

A new study has revealed that around 50% of children have to be rolled to school by their parents, like a barrel or spare tyre, because they are too fat to walk.

Researchers at UCL discovered that record numbers of children across the country are getting pitifully little exercise, whilst simultaneously collectively consuming enough chips and fried chicken to capsize the Isle of Man.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “We’ve spent several months now, standing around outside schools, pissing ourselves laughing at all the little fatties bouncing along the pavement.

“It’s like someone’s dropped a huge bag of watermelons. This is

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June 7, 2013

NSA using Google, Apple and Facebook to find the really good internet porn

by philapilus
Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Marylan...

More chicken-choking than a battery farm on fire

Civil liberties groups across the world have expressed outrage at news that the National Security Agency has been secretly accessing the systems of several of the most powerful internet companies.

The revelation that the NSA has collected data directly from online giants like Google and Facebook, was made by our sister news organ, the Grauniad, which also discovered that these nefarious espionage tactics had mostly been used to get hold of really high quality porn. 

Journalist Wendy Nailinthehead said

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February 8, 2013

Breaking News: France capitulates to Mali

by philapilus
Satellite image of Mali

Big diggers are being used to cut out Mali, so it can be airlifted to the European mainland by a fleet of helicopters and stitched onto the side of France.

This morning the French forces suppressing Islamist insurgency in Mali have surrendered to the numerically inferior rebels, in accordance with their time-honoured military traditions.

President Hollande has announced that he will officially cede power at 11AM, and a Vichy-style government will be

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