Posts tagged ‘Wayne Rooney’

September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

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July 2, 2015

England’s male team hugely relieved at Lionesses loss

by philapilus

“What a pity” said men, opening the champagne.

Everyone in the country involved in men’s football has breathed a huge collective sigh of relief, after Laura Bassett’s own goal saw the women’s team knocked out of the World Cup.

Manager Roy Hodgson said “Shit that was close! What a stroke of luck; we would have looked like complete incompetents if the girls had got through to the final – something we haven’t achieved since the early days of the Cold War.

“Um, I mean, what a pity that they’ve been knocked out. We were rooting for them all the way.

“Speaking on

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September 22, 2014

Man United lose 5-3 to John Major’s Leicester City

by philapilus

Major said goalie Hurd was his ‘man of the match’, as not a single ball got past him – despite the aging Hurd having to play sitting down.

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has said his team “were simply outplayed” after their humiliating defeat at the hands of Leicester City.

Leicester’s captain, former Prime Minister Sir John Major, scored four of the five goals that saw his team make an amazing comeback from 3-1 down.

Major said “I am really pleased with this result. I was a bit concerned we wouldn’t do very well, especially as there were only nine of us on the pitch. Heseltine did his hip in after a vigorous country ramble, and it turned out Ted Heath was actually dead.

“It also did not

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June 16, 2014

Brazil 2014 shock: England supporter thinks Italy shouldn’t have won

by philapilus

“And, right, did you notice how every time the Italians kicked the ball it went a bit further and was more accurate? Remote-controlled, mate. Bloody cheats.”

An England fan has caused a stir this morning, after claiming that Italy definitely didn’t deserve victory on Saturday, adding “We were totally robbed. I blame the ref, and the cheating Eyeties!”

Italy beat England 2:1 by virtue of being a better team, playing better, and scoring more goals.

But the England fan disputed the loss, and monologued for about half an hour on all the things Roy Hodgson should have done differently, including crushing Wayne Rooney’s thick skull with a sledgehammer instead of letting him play.

Footballologist, Tim Buttox, said “It is

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