Posts tagged ‘Wales’

October 29, 2013

Southern England blown into Atlantic by storm

by philapilus
The North-South divide in the United Kingdom

Experts say that it will take months for the St Jude-battered country to return to it’s normal colour

The entire South of England, as well as parts of Wales and the West country, were last night being towed back to the mainland, after monster storm St Jude ripped them loose and hurled them hundreds of miles out to sea.

Although the search has been called off for still-missing parts of Hampshire and Kent, rescue-ships were jubilant this morning to discover the Isle of Wight, which had been swirling round and round in a whirlpool about 80 miles off the coast of Ireland.

Estimates of the economic cost of the storm, which veteran weatherman Michael Fish called ‘the embodiment of evil personified’, have been increasing hourly, but Minister for

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September 4, 2013

Government to build special prison to breed evil super-villains

by philapilus
Bane cosplayer

Brutal, evil, and without a trace of humanity, Chris Grayling has been Justice Secretary since August 2012

The Justice Secretary Chris Grayling has today unveiled plans to close some of the UK’s most overcrowded prisons, and throw all of the inmates into a huge, underground dungeon, of the kind featured in the film ‘The Dark Knight Rises’.

Grayling said this morning “Our prisons are expensive, overcrowded, and frankly they are really boring. I should know, I have to keep inspecting them and it is dull as fuck. Whereas the last Batman film had this awesome pit full of violent, fist-fighting men, and spawned Bane, who was absolutely super-cool.

“Seriously, did you see the bit where

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April 11, 2013

Wanker of the week

by unpseudable

There’s gold in there somewhere.  Probably

A huge variety of nominations for this week’s wanker of the week. Ken Loach made a passionate case for Margaret Thatcher. Meanwhile, Morrissey put his vote in for Margaret Thatcher. The city of Liverpool, backed by the majority of the north of England, Scotland and Wales suggested Margaret Thatcher. Facebook and Twitter made a combined nomination of Margaret Thatcher. George Galloway brought some further variety, suggesting Margaret Thatcher. This then prompted a surprise counter bid purportedly from Margaret Thatcher for George Galloway.

Ultimately, though, none of the literally ones of contenders could match:

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April 30, 2012

Jones: “I was in the running to be Bond”

by articulatedsheep

Following revelations by housewives’ favourite Tom Jones that he very nearly secured the role of James Bond, a script has been issued by the franchise’s producers, Eon Productions, that reveals how the plot of Casino Royale would have been “tweaked” to suit Jones’s particular skills, expertise and character.

Bore da, bach, I could fair murder a slice of laver bread isnit.

In the Jones film version, rather than working for MI5, Bond is a trading standards officer working for Cardiff Council. He does, however, still possess his licence to kill.

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April 24, 2012

Welshmen “thought penguin was a lass from Swansea”

by philapilus
Humbolt Penguin at Whipsnade Zoo.

Gwyneth Evans, MP for Aberystwyth, utterly condemns the blatant racism of this article, angrily retorting 'Qweuack, qweuack qweu qweu QWEEUUUAAACK'

Two intoxicated Welshmen who broke into an Australian theme park and abducted a penguin, have protested against prosecution charges on the grounds that they mistook the creature for a Welsh woman.

The men who have not yet been named – but are almost certainly called something like Dai Evans and Gareth Jones – are being charged with trespass, and stealing and keeping a protected animal, as well as drunken fuckwittery.

Dai and Gareth – or Hugh and Morgan, or Lewellyn and Brynn, or whatever they were called – have issued a statement, written with a thick Welsh accent, saying “We are so very sorry, see? But it didn’t half look like a beautiful lady from the valleys, see? Small, sleek, very furry and smelling of fish; we were convinced she was a flower amongst Welsh women. We said to one another ‘There’s lovely, isn’t it?’ We had no idea it was a penguin. Deary, deary me.”

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January 24, 2012

Elderly mentalists to be rehoused

by philapilus
English: Menzies Campbell, British politician ...

This man would have to be relocated into the Stone Age diorama at the Natural History Museum

In a move designed to revolutionise care for the elderly, the NHS is to begin implementing plans for new accomodation for dementia sufferers. The scheme is based on one recently green-lit in Switzerland, where a mock 1950s-style village is being built outside Bern.

“Basically,” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, “demented old codgers – sorry, I mean elderly people with dementia – spend most of their time mentally living in the past. Well, the Swiss have this plan for a care-home complex built to emulate that past. A sort of mini 1950s world.

“My idea goes one better. Rather than expensive – and necessarily small-scale – new-build villages, we are going to immerse our crazy old folk in an entire culture that is six decades behind.

“We are going to move them all up North.”

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