Posts tagged ‘Vladimir Putin’

November 24, 2015

Turkish downing of Russian jet leads to pause for reflection

by philapilus

He’ll probably just tell Turkey that it’s no big deal, accidents happen, and not to worry about it

The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.

President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.

“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also

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May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

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March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

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October 31, 2013

‘Putin could beat Obama at arm-wrestling’ says Forbes

by philapilus
Barack Obama & Vladimir Putin at Putin's dacha...

The only thing we need to know is who has the biggest tonker

The world’s most prominent magazine for list-making has released its hugely influential and important annual power-list, in which it has ranked Vladimir Putin above Barack Obama in arm-wrestling skills.

A spokesman for Forbes, Ivor Smalljohnson, said “In our (wholly theoretical) league-table of arm-wrestling skills, we reckon that Putin’s mighty iron fist could easily force Obama’s rather limp hand to the tabletop.

“After all, Putin is clearly a magnificent wanker; pretty much everything he does is a colossal shining sack of wank – his wrist muscles must be bigger than Arnie’s! Look at his brilliant new anti-gay law; astonishingly powerful wanking going on right there.

“Whereas Obama is

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September 12, 2013

Putin steps down as president of Russia

by philapilus
putin on horse no shirt

“I’m very much like Ernest Hemingway, except more masculine”

Vladimir Putin has today announced his resignation as Russian president, citing his increasing boredom with the job, and “desire to follow my long-held ambition to be a journalist for the New York Times.”

In an open letter – his first piece for the paper – Mr Putin said “This Syrian thing is about as sinfully dull as waiting for Litvinenko to finally expire, except it isn’t even going to end as happily.

“Anyway, I have always loved words. I like to think of myself as possessing a powerful journalistic voice for freedom, like George Orwell or Hunter S Thompson, only not a tool of fascist Western decadence, obviously. Penning articles on riding shirtless across the great Russian plains

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August 14, 2013

Cameron promises to get tough on prejudice by pretending it isn’t there

by philapilus
PM welcomes President Putin

“Honestly Stephen, you should see the ticking off I gave him last time we met!”

In a Twitter statement today, David Cameron has set out the Conservatives’ election manifesto on tackling prejudice, promising that “Wherever we find injustice and cruelty we will face it head on, and jolly well absolutely ignore it till it gets the message.”

Cameron’s tweet follows a similar statement earlier this week, in which he gave a masterfully-reasoned rejection to Stephen Fry’s plea for a boycott of the Sochi games.

He explained on Sunday “Only by attending the 2014 Winter Olympics, and completely refusing to mention Russia’s endemic homophobia, whilst complying wholly with their draconian anti-gay laws, can Britain lead the world in challenging prejudice.”

Stephen Fry said

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August 14, 2013

Putin “straightest man alive”

by philapilus
English: TOKYO. President Putin on a tatami at...

No one else is anywhere near as good at tugging other men about and holding them down

Vladimir Putin reaffirmed yesterday that he is, and has always been, “A massive, massive pussyhound, with no gay feelings whatsoever.”.

Putin was speaking at a press conference in defence of Russia’s anti-gay ‘propaganda’ laws, after protestors around the world called for the Winter Olympics to be held in a country where gay people don’t get the shit kicked out of them with the approval of the state.

Surrounded by large, burly secret service men with big weapons in their pockets, Putin was forthright in blaming homosexuality for unemployment, Russia’s economic backwardness, and rainclouds.

“Let not us forget is called Mother Russia, a woman, and as most heterosexual of all Russian man I like only

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August 8, 2013

USA and Russia refuse to play together

by philapilus
Combination playground equipment (plastic)

Neither country will be allowed a go on the slide at this rate.

It was confirmed this morning that America has told Russia it isn’t its friend anymore, after president Obama said “You can’t never play in our den never again forever and ever. Times infinity, So there.”

Russian officials were quick to respond to the diplomatic snub, with Putin reportedly stamping his foot, and threatening “I’m going to tell on you, America. Teacher says that’s not nice. Not nice to be a meanie. You’re gonna be in trouble and sit on the naughty chair. I’m telling, you’re smelling. So there.”

Relations between the two countries have deteriorated rapidly over the Edward Snowden asylum affair, but in fact deeper problems underlie the international rift, after Russia accused America of “Doing a spastic impersonation and then

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July 19, 2013

Putin makes show of strength with arrest of “seditious” toddler

by philapilus
Vladimir Putin - World Economic Forum Annual M...

‘I am not a person with whom to fuck!’ the Kremlin strongman warns a kindergarten group

Russian premiere Vladimir Putin today followed up the imprisonment of political rival Alexei Navalny with another display of forthright power, when he had a small child arrested this afternoon.

Witnesses said that Putin’s official convoy stopped outside the Kremlin whilst secret servicemen detained a toddler, who appeared to have made a rude gesture at the neurotically insecure president.

A Kremlin spokesman, Ivan Neverhaditoff, said “Small boy is licking ice cream as president’s car passes. Or maybe tongue is poking out at glorious leader? We take no chances, presidential cavalcade stop, and Federal Security Service hold child still while hard-man president rain merciless judo blows upon him!


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June 6, 2013

Seagal to be large, puffy face of Russian arms manufacturer

by philapilus
Steven Seagal

Steven performing with his band, ‘Who Ate All The Pies?’

The Hollywood actor Steven Seagal has agreed to become the business envoy of a Russian arms firm, it was confirmed this morning.

Seagal, the star of a large number of low-budget martial arts films, which have been watched by dozens – if not scores – of erudite and discerning fans, was apparently delighted to be approached by Kovrov weapons.

Seagal has gradually become more associated with firearms, and less with athletic karate moves, as his career developed, due to a slight weight-gain problem. His scenes now tend to

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