Posts tagged ‘Vatican’

July 12, 2017

Vatican: Glutenous bread “more fleshy”

by unpseudable
bread

An artist’s representation of Jesus

The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.

In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”

Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?

“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine.

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July 3, 2013

News Briefs: John Paul II to be canonised this year

by philapilus

03/07/2013

English: Pope John Paul II on 12 August 1993 i...

It is said that the Saints have the ear of God himself. It might be time for the Lord to think about asking for it back…

The Vatican has confirmed that former pontiff, John Paul II, is likely to be declared a saint before the end of 2013, after the Congregation for the Causes of Saints ruled he had performed several miracles.

Vatican spokesman, Mario Spaghetti, said “John Paul II was an enormously successful pope, and a worker of great miraculous acts.

“Not only did his pontificate see the Divinely Mysterious Disappearance of the Vatican Millions, he also performed the Miracle of the Quieting of the Children, whereby

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March 5, 2013

Breaking news: Vatican inquiry into Cardinal Keith O’Brien makes preliminary statement

by philapilus
English: Broken glass

Reporting breaking news so fast we don’t even pause to call the glazier in

The members of the Vatican inquiry into the sexual misconduct of Cardinal Keith O’Brien met this morning, and in a brief document outlined the basis of their investigation.

“The Holy Catholic Church hereby convenes the inquiry into Cardinal Keith O’Brien, whose sinful sexual encounters have caused us great pain and shame.

“The Cardinal has grieviously harmed the church’s image with his flagrant disregard for precedent and his perverse choice of sexual partners who were not simply over the age of consent, but were actual adults.

“The Cardinal has not only

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