Posts tagged ‘USA’

September 30, 2015

North Carolina redefines the concept of age

by unpseudable
Neil Young

You see, it can be confusing *

North Carolina’s legal system has successfully transcended logic with the recent prosecution of two children as adults for exploiting children who were themselves.

Facing up to ten years imprisonment for the possession of revealing selfies, the accused ultimately accepted plea bargains, requiring them to do community service.

Prosecutor, Nick Dobend, expressed his thoughts on the result: “Well, of course I was gunning for a custodial sentence, but we sure did teach them kids a lesson! Oh yeah, I know all those whiny liberals think it must be some kinda big hoax. But they don’t seem to get that these laws are there so that we can prosecute our children.

“Protect or prosecute? Well, one or the other.

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March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

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February 12, 2014

UK Treasury ministers to rip off unsuspecting Americans

by unpseudable

With news emerging this week of a phone scam that used a photo of the unwitting Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, new and potentially lucrative Treasury schemes have been unveiled.

Who wouldn’t trust this guy?

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, put out a statement to explain: “We received reports that a woman from Kentucky got a call from Jamaica, informing her that she’d won $2.5 million and a Mercedes Benz, and all she needed to do was send money to pay off the tax on the prizes.  This she duly did – simply because the caller used a photo of Danny Alexander as ID, to prove his legitimacy.  And she thought he looked trustworthy – why is anyone’s guess.  So we figured: shit, why don’t we just do that?  We could make millions!

“And if we get caught

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August 8, 2013

USA and Russia refuse to play together

by philapilus
Combination playground equipment (plastic)

Neither country will be allowed a go on the slide at this rate.

It was confirmed this morning that America has told Russia it isn’t its friend anymore, after president Obama said “You can’t never play in our den never again forever and ever. Times infinity, So there.”

Russian officials were quick to respond to the diplomatic snub, with Putin reportedly stamping his foot, and threatening “I’m going to tell on you, America. Teacher says that’s not nice. Not nice to be a meanie. You’re gonna be in trouble and sit on the naughty chair. I’m telling, you’re smelling. So there.”

Relations between the two countries have deteriorated rapidly over the Edward Snowden asylum affair, but in fact deeper problems underlie the international rift, after Russia accused America of “Doing a spastic impersonation and then

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May 14, 2013

Hipsters “not hip” say people with telephones

by unpseudable
Untitled

And so on. Unbiased.

A recent, entirely unbiased, survey conducted in the United States suggests that hipsters are as disliked as dirty Ruskies and Barack Obama by the majority of the population, as the soulless irony-laden drones they are.

This is thought to be the most extensive and revealing survey of opinions on any such sub-culture, finally answering the question of whether those within it are ok or a bit annoying.

Some have considered the poll by Public Policy Polling as “a bit pointless” and “not terribly accurate, helpful, or in any way worthwhile”.

Public Policy Polling sensibly opted not to bias opinions with an actual definition of the term “hipster”,

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June 11, 2012

Romney raises slightly more money than Obama in one month

by unpseudable

To be fair, the rent for this place is pretty high

Last month Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, proved himself empirically better than President Obama by taking more in campaign funding. In May Romney took in an overwhelming $76.8 million, compared to the incumbent’s paltry $60 million.

“Well, this just proves it doesn’t it?” Said Romney’s PR guru, Gary Uru. “Romney’s better than Obama. $16.8 million better. Oh yes. Suck on that Democrats!”

However, Obama’s team were quick to issue a statement. “Well, that’s great for them, isn’t it? Well done. However, it would be remiss of us not to point out that Obama still exceeds Romney in total campaign funding by, oooh, I don’t know how much. About 70 million, say. Oh, and you know what? We’ve got George Clooney onside – that’s right, George Clooney! Have you seen Ocean’s Eleven? How cool is he?”

Romney’s team were quick to respond, stating, “Well, that’s one way of putting it. Another way is to say, at least we don’t have someone who was in Ocean’s Twelve backing us.

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April 11, 2012

Idiot Santorum pulls out of presidential race

by unpseudable

Mindless non-entity and semi- professional wanker, Rick Santorum has suspended his bid to be the Republican presidential candidate on the realisation that he’s a total knob.

Speaking at a press conference earlier, Santorum said, “I just woke up this morning and thought, ‘What the fuck are you doing? What are you thinking? What on earth makes you imagine that you should be president? Of the United States? You’re such a dick.’

“But that wasn’t all. I also had some pretty uncomplimentary things to say comparing myself to George Bush. So, yeah, I thought best cut my losses and pull out while I still can.”

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April 10, 2012

Pirate-terrorist Abu Hamza “Might not like” neverending incarceration

by philapilus
Captain Hook

Imagine; “Aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh me shipmates…”, but in a trying-to-blow-the-shit-out-of-people-who-aren’t-religious-maniacs sort of way.

One-eyed, one-handed terrorist suspect Abu Hamza – who is, to be fair, a bastard so apparently it’s ok to laugh – will find out later whether or not he is going to be extradited to the US, where he may face lifelong incarceration under incredibly harsh conditions.

Hamza and five other men are fighting extradition on the grounds that, actually, they’d prefer not to live in so-called ‘Supermax’ prisons, which, despite their upbeat moniker, are not places of joy and high-octane excitement.

“The issue,” said Human Rights lawyer Penelope Pitstopovic, “is that whilst extradition is totally fine for potentially innocent people, (provided of course that no one is ever, ever extradited from the USA, obviously), convicted hate-criminals and massive arseholes like Hamza might have a bit of a shit time in big nasty prisons. And that would be bad. Sad face. See?”

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