Posts tagged ‘us election’

November 6, 2016

Tuesday 8th November ‘excellent day to borrow money’

by philapilus

Quite possibly this will all be worthless anyway, if we end up in the post-money, barter-based economy of Armageddon

Financial advisors have advised people seeking finances to borrow heavily this Tuesday.

Tim Twanks, Financial Advisor at Financial Advice Services, a financial advice company, said “It is our view that Tuesday 8th November 2016 is the very best day to take out an enormous personal loan, using your house or even your children as security.


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September 12, 2016

Gravely ill Clinton “still preferable”

by philapilus
File:Hillary Clinton Testimony to House Select Committee on Benghazi.png

Embalmed and stuffed: but still better

Medical experts said today that even if Hillary Clinton was very ill indeed she would still make a better president than Donald Trump.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Washington school for Overanalysing Presidential Candidate Health, said “We’ve been running multiple computer simulations of how a sick Hillary Clinton might fare in office, ever since it emerged yesterday that she has pneumonia.

“Using complicated algorithms we’ve examined every possibility of every health issue Secretary Clinton could potentially

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April 7, 2016

Trump continues to reel following “handgate” allegations

by articulatedsheep

Donald Trump’s nomination hopes have taken a significant hit after a poor showing in Wisconsin, attributed in no small measure to the continued fallout from the so-called “handgate” allegations. In this column, we set out the background to these allegations – and why it is that they have placed a significant obstacle on the red-faced wankstain’s aspirations for the White House.


Trump: “engorged”

For months, Trump’s opponents in both the Republican and Democratic Parties had struggled to lay a blow on the property mogul. Suggestions of inconsistency, policy flip-flopping, rabble-rousing and a simple lack of competence seemed to have made no impression on primary voters.

All that changed when reports began to circulate a few weeks ago that Trump has unnaturally tiny, weak hands.

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April 3, 2016

US election – the other GOP candidates

by articulatedsheep

Such has been the relentless focus of the national and international media on Donald Trump, it is easy to forget that there are still two other Republican hopefuls in the race. As the prospect of a brokered convention grows greater, both are vying to be seen to party bigwigs that they can be the best compromise candidate. However, given that Trump is likely to go it alone as an independent if he fails to win the nomination, the personal character and political capital that these two men can command will be critical if the party hopes to hold its own when the nation votes in November. Who, then, are these men – Ted Cruz and John Kasich?

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March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.


“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

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November 7, 2012

Romney to be dismantled for scrap

by philapilus
The Terminator.

The main problem with Mitt was that he didn’t look very nice, and kept threatening to destroy humanity

Following the US election victory of incumbent president Barack Obama, the Republican party has announced its intention to break down Mitt Romney, salvaging the best bits and chucking the rest onto a bonfire.

The Romney-bot model had faced criticism for being too lifeless, and its inability to imitate humans accurately has largely been blamed by the GoP for the Democrat victory.

President Obama said in his victory speech “Romney was quite well manufactured, if a little stiff in his movements, and it was a hard-fought, close-run contest. But as it turned out, just about enough American people actually wanted the country to be run by a human being.”

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October 28, 2012

Romney in surprise Obama endorsement

by articulatedsheep

Less than a week before the date of the US election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has raised eyebrows by offering a full endorsement for his opponent, President Obama.

“Let me be clear about this,” said Mr. Romney, appearing in front of a crowd of crazed gun enthusiasts high on PCP, and flanked by his eleven identical sons Pulk, Tarp, Rudd, Gimp, Gulp, Waft, Dimp, Trank, Blomp, Blump and Saddam, “There is only one man who can help America to heal its wounds, to maintain its place on the world stage, and to get big government off the back of our hard-working families.”

“That person sure as hell isn’t me. My only claim to fame is having organised one of the Winter Olympics. Me being President would be like Seb Coe being British Prime Minister. I mean, Seb fucking Coe!”

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September 20, 2012

Leaked Romney video completely devoid of interest

by philapilus
Mitt Romney in 2007 in Washington, DC at the V...

Romney miming; showing supporters how to pull the rug fom under people’s feet

A video showing Mitt Romney speaking in a frank and unguarded way to a rich audience at a fundraising dinner, has been declared the least revealing and least shocking ‘expose’ political footage of the last sixty years.

A storm of controversy was expected to follow the release of the video. Critics predicted revelations of a secret agenda, and devastating evidence of unconstitutional behaviour in his too-cosy relationship with the wealthy.

But to everyone’s disappointment it transpired that the things Mitt Romney says to a private group of ultra-conservative supporters at a $50,000 dollar-a-head dinner are exactly the same as the things he says normally.

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September 5, 2012

US in shock as wife backs husband

by philapilus
Michelle Obama, official White House portrait.

Would you believe it; a woman appears to like a man she is married to. What are the chances?

Few events in American history can have caused as much political upheaval as Michelle Obama’s speech in suport of her husband at the Democratic convention last night.

Newspapers throughout the world ran with the same attention-grabbing headline this morning, as the US First lady surprised everyone by saying that she thought Barack Obama should get to stay in the White House for another four years.

Michelle’s speech, closing the convention’s first day, was expected to be a prolonged critique of the incumbent’s presidency, and a point by point comparison of the ways in which she felt Mitt Romney was a superior person.

US political commentator, Dwight D. Football said “Expectations on the hill were that Michelle was going to end her speech by publically filing for divorce, and holding up a great elephant-shaped banner with her phone number and “Call me, Mitt; I’m wet and waiting” blazened across it.

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July 26, 2012

“You are all cunts”: Romney

by articulatedsheep

US Presidential hopeful has continued his bid for the White House with a whistle-stop visit to the UK in the runup to the Olympic Games, which he has so far used to hurl insults at Britain and the British.

“Thank you, but I already have enough microphones of my own”


“You folks have this quaint phrase,” he told assembled reporters, “something about not being able to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Well, I look at these Olympics that you’re organising, and I think to myself – not so much a piss-up, more of a fuck-up.”

“You’re a bunch of fucking losers, basically.”

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