Posts tagged ‘United States’

April 15, 2016

Exclusive: Chilcot report expected to pin blame for Iraq war on “international jewel thief, Douglas Vanderbildt”

by articulatedsheep

Excerpts from the long-awaited Chilcot Report, leaked exclusively to TMB this evening, reveal the prime culprit of the Iraq War – believed to have contributed to the death of almost half a million Iraqis, as the country slid into chaos following the US-led invasion of 2003 – to be none other than international jewel thief Douglas Vanderbildt.

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April 3, 2016

US election – the other GOP candidates

by articulatedsheep

Such has been the relentless focus of the national and international media on Donald Trump, it is easy to forget that there are still two other Republican hopefuls in the race. As the prospect of a brokered convention grows greater, both are vying to be seen to party bigwigs that they can be the best compromise candidate. However, given that Trump is likely to go it alone as an independent if he fails to win the nomination, the personal character and political capital that these two men can command will be critical if the party hopes to hold its own when the nation votes in November. Who, then, are these men – Ted Cruz and John Kasich?

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December 31, 2013

Anus of the Annus, 2013

by philapilus

After a year in which we have been spoiled for choice with your selection of ‘Wankers of the Week’, ‘Masturbators of the Month’, and even ‘Fingerers of the Fortnight’, the votes are in, and we can proudly present the person that YOU the readers think was the most awful fuckwit of the

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October 31, 2013

‘Putin could beat Obama at arm-wrestling’ says Forbes

by philapilus
Barack Obama & Vladimir Putin at Putin's dacha...

The only thing we need to know is who has the biggest tonker

The world’s most prominent magazine for list-making has released its hugely influential and important annual power-list, in which it has ranked Vladimir Putin above Barack Obama in arm-wrestling skills.

A spokesman for Forbes, Ivor Smalljohnson, said “In our (wholly theoretical) league-table of arm-wrestling skills, we reckon that Putin’s mighty iron fist could easily force Obama’s rather limp hand to the tabletop.

“After all, Putin is clearly a magnificent wanker; pretty much everything he does is a colossal shining sack of wank – his wrist muscles must be bigger than Arnie’s! Look at his brilliant new anti-gay law; astonishingly powerful wanking going on right there.

“Whereas Obama is

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October 21, 2013

Everything now brilliant in Syria

by philapilus
A basic gel fragrance air freshener.

It still smells a bit chemical-weapony in places, so the Foreign Office is advising British holidaymakers to take their own air fresheners. Otherwise it’s basically fine.

Everything in Syria has calmed right down, and everyone is very much going about their daily business with a contented smile, according to a new report published today.

The United Nations-commissioned report confirms that, by a bizarre coincidence, as soon as the world’s media stopped paying attention to things in Syria, the country’s civil war petered out, and hostilities gave way to ‘a general atmosphere of peace and love, sort of a bit like Woodstock, except nationwide, and without all the embarrassingly trite hippy sentiment’.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Stuff That Doesn’t Stop When You Switch Off The Telly, said “It’s odd, but ever since

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October 21, 2013

France accuses USA of bugging onions

by philapilus

The ingredients for a ‘Full French’ breakfast

The French government has taken the grave step of summoning the US ambassador, to account for press accusations that the NSA used vegetables to spy on the entire population of France.

Le Monde yesterday alleged that the US intelligence community used nanotechnology to impregnate every onion and head of garlic in France with tiny listening devices.

These would record and transmit data if triggered by certain keywords, such as ‘Al Qaeda’, ‘Koran’, ‘le Big Mac’, ‘putain’, ‘George Clooney’, ‘Barney the purple dinosaur’ and ‘golden showers’.

French Minister for

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September 12, 2013

Putin steps down as president of Russia

by philapilus
putin on horse no shirt

“I’m very much like Ernest Hemingway, except more masculine”

Vladimir Putin has today announced his resignation as Russian president, citing his increasing boredom with the job, and “desire to follow my long-held ambition to be a journalist for the New York Times.”

In an open letter – his first piece for the paper – Mr Putin said “This Syrian thing is about as sinfully dull as waiting for Litvinenko to finally expire, except it isn’t even going to end as happily.

“Anyway, I have always loved words. I like to think of myself as possessing a powerful journalistic voice for freedom, like George Orwell or Hunter S Thompson, only not a tool of fascist Western decadence, obviously. Penning articles on riding shirtless across the great Russian plains

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September 2, 2013

Obama: “What the hell does it take to please you people?”

by philapilus
English: President George W. Bush and Presiden...

‘Can you give me some tips please?’

President Obama is expected to address Congress this morning, and berate them for being “A contrary bunch of fucking jerks”.

Sources close to the president indicate he is at the end of his tether, and is likely to scream “What exactly is it you people want anyway?!” before beating his fists on the podium and throwing a tantrum.

Obama’s plan to use military force against Syria has met surprising levels of resistance, even amongst the preternaturally bellicose republicans, who claim

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August 29, 2013

Cameron: ‘We must intervene before they use chemical weapons again’

by philapilus

‘Hide in your bunker all you want; you are still utterly fucked’

David Cameron has told an emergency session of the House of Commons this morning that military intervention is completely justified, after inspectors “found conclusive evidence that chemical weapons have been deployed”.

The prime minister told a hushed audience of MPs that “We will no longer watch idly as this nefarious enemy of freedom utilises internationally banned methods of assault.

“Too long have our cows been subjected to virulent TB. Too long have we listened to liberal pussyfooters. And that is why I am standing by the environment secretary, Owen Paterson, and declaring that the pilot badger-culling schemes will now be rolled out nationwide. – effective immediately.”

The question of

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August 20, 2013

Miranda’s detainment at Heathrow “legally sound”

by philapilus

Despite being “Baffled, terrified and shellshocked”, Miranda’s audience continue to tune in, week after week.

Scotland Yard has said that its decision to detain Miranda Hart at Heathrow under the terms of the terroism act was “legally sound”.

The acclaimed comedian was held for nine hours on Sunday, during which she claims she was intimidated by police and treated like a criminal, despite having done nothing wrong.

Ms Hart said she was “confused and frightened” by the ordeal, and had additionally

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