Posts tagged ‘Ukraine’

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

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August 12, 2014

Russia sends not-at-all suspicious aid convoy to Ukraine

by philapilus

“You couldn’t fit a platoon, a small armoured car, an anti-tank artillery piece and enough supplies and ammunition to last three months into one of these. And we should know, we checked!”

Russia insisted today that the 300 lorries full of food and medicine it is sending to Ukraine “Really don’t need to be checked very thoroughly at all.”

Vladimir Putin, whose country has clashed with the West over Russia’s attempt to dominate the region, said that the vehicles “Are full of socks, vodka, and pickled fish, and definitely not packed with special forces and munitions.”

But Western military intelligence warned that the 45,000 troops currently massing on the

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May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

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May 8, 2014

Pro-Russian activists: “There’s no point NOT having a referendum now. That would be stupid.”

by philapilus
240px-Yes-check-black-border.svg

‘We even pre-ticked them to save time’

In a move guaranteed to calm everything right down in the Ukraine, pro-Russian rebels have said they will go ahead with Sunday’s referendum on autonomy.

The activists issued a statement saying “Look, we’ve already printed all the ballots and everything. If we don‘t do it now it will be almost like all the bloodshed and violations of international law weren’t worth it.”

The decision was made just one day after what critics are calling ‘the moment Putin blinked’, when the Russian President mumbled that Ukraine’s attempt to decide its

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March 5, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Bell on the Crimea

by philapilus

Once again we present a brilliant, biting satire, syndicated from sister-paper ‘The Grauniad‘! Stefan Bell, the so-called ‘greatest 18th-century throwback’ satirist of his generation, is using his razor-sharp wit, subtlety and unsurpassed drawing skills to really

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March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

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June 13, 2012

“Football” mars otherwise glorious day of Euro violence

by unpseudable

The sport of mercilessly pounding the living shit out of large numbers of people has been tarnished this week by a small minority of mindless individuals kicking balls around patches of grass.

Yesterday, at this year’s event of going round to a neighbouring European country and finding some other idiots to get into a fight with, some groups took part in what is becoming known as “foot-ball”.

Psychopathy expert Michael Ripper explains: “It seems that certain organised groups – let’s call them “teams” – have begun to detract from the noble art of kicking the bollocking shite out of people randomly in the street, by playing a largely meaningless sporting contest with each other. Quite why they think anyone’s interested in grown men running around a field kicking a spherical object around – and charging a considerable amount of money to watch – when there are free, bloody violent fights going on just round the corner is anyone’s guess. Crazy”

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