Posts tagged ‘UKIP’

January 22, 2018

Farage considering donning the Nigelsuit one last time

by philapilus

“Quick! Hold him down and inject the sedatives straight into his neck!”

Nigel Farage has reopened the Faragecave, and is dusting off the Nigelsuit, according to sources close to the UKIP MEP.

UKIP went into a nosedive this morning, after leader Henry Bolton’s refusal to resign over texts his horrible racist ex sent, leading party stalwart Neil Hamilton to fire up the Nigelsymbol from atop a Wetherspoons pub.

Although the

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February 24, 2017

Corbyn celebrates ‘historic win’ in Copeland

by philapilus

“It is the gulag for any who dispute our resounding success”

Jeremy Corbyn has exhorted subordinates to congratulate him for what he called the “historic victory in the Copeland by-election”, after the Tories took the seat from Labour for the first time in 80 years.

Corbyn said “This is a huge victory for us. Make no mistake, comrades; the Party has never been in better shape! Long live the Party and the Great Drive Forward!

“By allowing the reactionary Tories to

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April 30, 2015

Farage to enlist UK Gold and Granada Television in war against BBC

by philapilus

The Beeb will rue the day it went up against a highly polished organisation like Ukip…

Ukip has said that it will completely bypass the BBC, and communicate only via TV channels embracing “traditional British values”, for the remainder of its election campaign.

The party announced its war on the BBC after Nigel Farage took offence at a dig made against him on its flagship satirical show, Have I got News For You.

Ukip spokeswoman, Gina Flange, said “I think it’s disgraceful that a BBC documentary programme

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April 17, 2015

Farage attacks BBC audience “composed entirely of time-travelling Leninists”

by philapilus

“Karl Marx is in my kitchen cupboard!

Nigel Farage has blamed the BBC for audience hostility during last night’s TV debate, claiming that the corporation had filled the seats with time-travellers from the Bolshevik USSR.

During a tirade aimed at one of his thumbs, Farage broke away to castigate the BBC and everyone in the room, saying “I’ve never seen so many Russian revolutionaries in my life! You’re all from that film with the baby carriage and the stairs, and you all want to eat my leg!”

Although David Dimbleby attempted to explain to him the process by which audiences are chosen, Farage ignored him, and shouted that he was “Having none of this darkie-loving pinko lingo” before climbing onto his lectern, and defecating noisily into his cupped hands.

The Ukip leader then

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March 23, 2015

LGBT activists join Ukip after meeting Farage at pub

by philapilus

‘Beetles in my teeth taught me how to breathe’

A group of LGBT rights campaigners, who targeted Nigel Farage by staging a protest at his local pub, have said the encounter led them to convert to Ukip en masse.

The carnivalesque demonstration, involving protestors in fancy dress lampooning UKip’s perceived targeting of minority groups, ended up benefitting from one of Farage’s impromptu speeches, and soon came to see his point of view.

Protest organiser, Tim Twanks, said “We really thought we’d have him on the ropes. I was dressed in a big pink girl’s dress with a plastic baby strapped to my bared fake boob. But after listening to Nigel for a few minutes, I realised how

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November 7, 2014

Absolutely no one challenging Miliband for ‘unwanted’ leadership

by philapilus

Gold-plated job security: when literally everyone else would rather die than take over from you

Labour rebels denied attempts to overthrow Ed Miliband today, adding that no matter how dissatisfied they were with him, they couldn’t find a single person willing to take over and lead the Labour party into catastrophic general election defeat next year.

Rebel Wedge Antilles, MP for Little Chittface in Hampshire, said “Well, there has been a fair bit of sniping about Ed behind his back. There’s been clandestine meetings where everyone is trying to make out that they’re planning leadership challenges, and so forth, mostly out of bravado.

“But actually we haven’t found a single person who will go through with it and usurp Ed’s place. It’s a shit job, and

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September 30, 2014

An Open Letter to the Conservatives, by Nigel Farage

by philapilus

Lemon rhymes with bus! When I don’t wipe properly after a poo my botty gets sore, and I have to have Vassasseline on it

TMB is proud to present yet another exclusive scoop. In the wake of several high-profile Tory defections to Ukip,  Nigel Farage has written an open letter to the Conservative party, inviting them to throw off their shackles and join him – a letter only we have been given permission to print!

Dear Conservatories

This is for those of you who don’t want to end up speaking Czechoslavakian and answering to an EU-installed puppet chieftain called Adolf Lenin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once I found a spoon. It was partially buried in a garden, and there were nettles and I stung my tongue and the inside of my eyelid trying to

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September 29, 2014

Boris lambastes “Tory nutters for joining Ukip nutters”

by philapilus

The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP

In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good way.”

The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably

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June 6, 2014

Nigel Farage delighted with not winning Newark

by philapilus
2nd Place Ribbon by cross37 - A basic 2nd place award ribbon

“Yay! We won!”

Nigel Farage last night expressed his delight at UKIP’s coming second in the Newark by-election, and claimed “I think you’ll find we never wanted to win anyway.”

Mr Farage initially denied having ever indicated UKIP would win outright, then agreed he had said it but insisted he was talking about a different place called Newark, then denied it again, then finally said that whilst he had said it, if you listened carefully, it was clear he hadn’t meant it in the way it sounded.

He went on to explain that he was very tired.

“When I said we would win Newark, obviously what I meant was that the Conservatives would win the actual seat, but that we would

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May 14, 2014

Farage: ‘No biggie; students all look the same to me anyway’

by philapilus

“This is my invisible tortoise. It’s juicy.”

After a prominent student-member quit UKIP over its racist campaigning, Nigel Farage announced that he couldn’t care less, because “they all look the same to me anyway.”

Sanya-Jeet Thandi, who had been something of a poster-girl for UKIP because she isn’t a belligerent, middle-aged white man, blogged that she was quitting the party’s youth wing, Young Independence.

But Nigel Farage said “What’s one more or less? They should all go back to where they came from anyway.

“Did you know that students are actually descended from a different sort of monkey from us? And, what’s

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