Posts tagged ‘UK’

June 27, 2016

Britain only allowed to vote for TV talent shows in future

by philapilus

You can vote for this, but NOTHING ELSE

Britain has been told that it should restrict itself to voting on completely pointless shit like Saturday night talent shows, and must now refrain from ever voting on anything that matters.

Experts stressed the importance of Britain never going near a ballot box again, after the country effectively voted in favour of jumping off a very tall cliff to see how much it hurt when you hit the ground.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of

read more »

Advertisements
March 10, 2014

Scotland and UK united in despising Gordon Brown

by philapilus

“Just awful”

Ex-PM Gordon Brown has once again managed to defuse tensions and heal rifts, by getting the opposing sides on the Scottish Independence question to unite in their joint hatred of him.

Brown outlined a six part plan for power-sharing between London and Edinburgh, cities which until now have been locked in a bitter tug of war.

Both sides immediately and simultaneously issued statements offering the olive branch, each agreeing to “anything you ask for, as long as we can join together in telling that one-eyed prick to piss off.”

A contrite UK said

read more »

July 23, 2012

“I had a nightmare, a terrible nightmare!”

by philapilus
DSC_6364 Sebastian Coe on big screen

The stuff of our worst nightmares

Britain woke up this morning from a terrible dream, walked to the bathoom where her lover Bobby Ewing was having a morning shower, and burst into tears, saying; “Oh it was awful! I had this terrible dream, that seemed to last for years and years and years!

“When I woke up I thought for a godawful minute that we had been stupid enough to host the 2012 Olympics here in London! I dreamt that in 2005 we won the Olympic bid, and that we spent seven years of gruelling misery getting ready for it.

“It seemed so real!”

Bobby held the UK tightly in his arms and said “It’s ok, it’s ok. What happened?”

read more »

February 29, 2012

More experts enter Falklands fray

by philapilus

Following the intervention of actor-turned International Relations expert Sean Penn, celebrity and self-styled ‘Better-than-Beethoven’ musician, Roger Waters, has also weighed in with his fantastically well-informed views on the Falklands debate.

The ex-bassist for Pink Floyd, a band famously typified by drug-use, insanity and self-absorption, Roger Waters is clearly extremely well-qualified to comment on issues of sovereignty and post-colonial relations and peace-keeping.

Not only did he write ‘The Wall’ (you know, Floyd’s fourteen hour long whinge, the lyrics of which make ‘Ummagumma’ sound like fucking Shakespeare), but reportedly  he also nearly managed to destroy the band with his acrimonious and egomaniacal power-mongering.

read more »