Posts tagged ‘Twitter’

December 6, 2013

John Lewis continues manhunt for bauble-breaker

by philapilus
Punisher

John Lewis has hired Frank Castle, on a ‘bring her in or take her out’ contract

A spokesperson for John Lewis has announced that the corporation “will not rest”, until it finds the little girl who wrote a letter apologising for breaking a Christmas bauble.

The letter, which has been called “extremely sweet” by police graphologists, contained a heartfelt apology, and had two £1 coins selotaped to it, to recompense the store for the damage.

The retail giant alerted the media, published the letter, and indicated their intent to find the 5 year old – it was presumed, in order to thank her.

But spokesperson, Percy Spoke said

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October 24, 2013

Facebook allows users to post video of Clegg-beheading

by philapilus

 

David Cameron

Dave ‘Headsman’ Cammers

Having just made a U-turn on an earlier U-turn over the posting of videos depicting beheadings, Facebook is once again courting moral controversy, after announcing it will be allowing the posting of grainy, domestic footage showing the decapitation of Nick Clegg by David Cameron.

The beheading, which sources close to the prime minister say has been on the cards for some months, will take place later today, in response to Clegg’s declaration of disagreement with the tories over the ‘rolling back’ of green levies.

It will be videoed by an aide using his iPhone, stolen by the NSA, leaked by a whistleblower, and then uploaded to Facebook all around the planet by around 10pm GMT.

A spokeswoman for

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September 11, 2013

Shapps: “Independent reports are more independent if I write them for you”

by philapilus
Resident with Grant Shapps

“Hi, my name’s Grant…or possibly Michael. Or maybe Sebastian… hang on, what day is it?”

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps has today lashed out at a UN official’s criticism of conservative party policy, on the basis that the comments weren’t made or approved by the conservative party.

Raquel Rolnik, who is producing a report for the UN human rights council on adequate housing around the world, recommended that the government’s changes of housing benefit be suspended, especially the so-called ‘bedroom tax’.

“This is disgusting,” said Shapps, “Ms Rolnik made totally unfair comments about social housing benefits, based on chatting to benefit claimants living in social housing! She didn’t

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August 14, 2013

Cameron promises to get tough on prejudice by pretending it isn’t there

by philapilus
PM welcomes President Putin

“Honestly Stephen, you should see the ticking off I gave him last time we met!”

In a Twitter statement today, David Cameron has set out the Conservatives’ election manifesto on tackling prejudice, promising that “Wherever we find injustice and cruelty we will face it head on, and jolly well absolutely ignore it till it gets the message.”

Cameron’s tweet follows a similar statement earlier this week, in which he gave a masterfully-reasoned rejection to Stephen Fry’s plea for a boycott of the Sochi games.

He explained on Sunday “Only by attending the 2014 Winter Olympics, and completely refusing to mention Russia’s endemic homophobia, whilst complying wholly with their draconian anti-gay laws, can Britain lead the world in challenging prejudice.”

Stephen Fry said

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July 15, 2013

Iain Duncan Smith revealed as fake

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-London March 2010

It should have been obvious to anyone this was just a clown in a grotesque mask having a laugh

This morning David Cameron’s credibility suffered another blow, after it transpired that his Work and Pensions Secretary is not real.

Commenting on the benefits cap being unrolled today, the Prime Minister tweeted Duncan Smith’s on Twitter, only to discover that it was in fact a parody account he had tweeted.

But worse was to follow, as Cameron’s staff tried to find the DWP minister to see what was going on, and discovered that not only was he not in his office, but, technically speaking, he does not exist.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for

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June 27, 2013

Osborne “Not a commoner” say experts

by philapilus
English: McDonald's Shogun Burger with Egg

He also prefers champagne to Tesco’s budget lemonade. It’s shocking.

27/06/2013

Picture analysts say they have unearthed compelling evidence that the chancellor of the exchequer might actually be a bit posh, and not a cheeky Eastenders-type character, as was previously assumed to be the case.

George Gideon Oliver Osborne, heir apparent to the Osborne baronetcy, posted an image of himself eating a burger on Twitter, the night before his Spending Review speech.

This received a storm of frenzied acclamation, with 98% of the UK populace believing the picture showed that he’s ‘Definitely One of Us’.

But forensic photography experts have

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April 24, 2013

Bastards who ran the 2013 London Marathon, by Jan Moir

by philapilus
The 2011 London Marathon mass race passing thr...

Good works? Rubbish! I’ve done more for this country sitting at my keyboard than any of these selfish frauds.

In an article syndicated from the Daily Mail, TMB is proud to present the ever-insightful and carefully balanced views of columnist Jan Moir:

Is it just me, or was everyone running the London Marathon a completely self-obsessed, self-serving parody of a human being?

Thank you, dear reader, I knew I couldn’t be the only one!

Weren’t they awful? Those of us who aren’t self-serving vacuous parasites on the flesh of our

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April 11, 2013

Wanker of the week

by unpseudable

There’s gold in there somewhere.  Probably

A huge variety of nominations for this week’s wanker of the week. Ken Loach made a passionate case for Margaret Thatcher. Meanwhile, Morrissey put his vote in for Margaret Thatcher. The city of Liverpool, backed by the majority of the north of England, Scotland and Wales suggested Margaret Thatcher. Facebook and Twitter made a combined nomination of Margaret Thatcher. George Galloway brought some further variety, suggesting Margaret Thatcher. This then prompted a surprise counter bid purportedly from Margaret Thatcher for George Galloway.

Ultimately, though, none of the literally ones of contenders could match:

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March 23, 2013

Gove “worst thing to have ever existed” say scientists

by articulatedsheep

Michael Gove’s appearance on Question Time last Thursday has reportedly given scientists the last piece of the evidential jigsaw needed to prove beyond doubt that the Secretary of State is the worst thing to have happened since the Big Bang.

The research draws on new data produced by the Planck Telescope, which has produced data showing that the universe is 50 million years older than initially thought. Scientists last week carried out computations that showed that nothing happened in that timeframe that was worse than Gove’s current existence.

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March 6, 2013

Daily Cartoon: by Stefan Belle

by philapilus

Again we are proud to welcome Stefan Belle, regular cartoonist over at the Grauniad, to get out his pencil and wave it for us! In this erudite and incisive satire, Belle once again demonstrates that his humour is no less sophisticated than his artistic prowess!

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