Posts tagged ‘Trump twat’

February 6, 2018

Donald Trump stoically shoulders blame for stock market turbulence

by philapilus
Image result for donald trump

Trump arriving on his space hopper

In a typical display of great statesmanship, Donald Trump has told America that he will personally accept all responsibility for the huge losses the US stock market has seen over the last two days.

Trump said “Remember when stocks were riding high and the economy was doing really

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March 21, 2017

Investigation into Trump-Russia ties continu-OH LOOK A SQUIRREL!

by philapilus

“What’s he got there in his little handsies? Oh isn’t he adorable!”

After the FBI investigation into alleged connections between Russia and the Trump campaign became public knowledge yesterday, the White House responded “Oh look at that little puppy playing on the lawn! Isn’t he gorgeous??”

The significance of potentially myriad links between Trump’s camp and the USA’s main global rival have been dwarfed by other news, including numerous POTUS tweets about hippogriffs, a crayon drawing Sean Spicer made of a racing car, and the announcement that Trump’s son is to become a father later this year.

Alleged corruption at the highest levels is also unimportant this morning, because Ivanka is going to

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March 12, 2017

White House ‘intruder’ returned to place in Oval Office

by philapilus
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President Bannon was in residence but agents say he was perfectly safe throughout

A mentally unstable man who climbed over the perimeter fence of the White House was stopped by agents and then taken back inside, the US Secret Service has said.

The septuagenarian, who agents said was babbling “Like the unholy offspring of a Nazi and an orangutang” was discovered with a backpack and a huge tub of wig-weave gel, wandering the grounds and screaming at his shoes.

Secret Service spokesperson Ann Onymous said “The tubby, strange

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February 28, 2017

Trump refuses to accept Connect Four outcome

by philapilus

Witnesses said Trump failed to connect even two

Donald Trump has once again lambasted ‘fake news’ outlets today over reports which suggested he had lost a game of Connect Four to chief strategist Steve Bannon.

Trump tweeted “More FAKE NEWS! I NEVER lose Connect 4! Ignore FAILING NYT & CNN” after journalists from the organisations reported on a friendly match in which Bannon trounced the president.

Trump’s ire was

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February 17, 2017

Charles Manson ‘considering national security advisor role’

by philapilus
File:Manson-June-2011.jpg

Manson with his CV

A spokesperson for Charles Manson has confirmed that the 82 year old is considering Donald Trump’s offer to replace Michael Flynn as national security advisor.

Trump fired Mr Flynn on Monday, after it transpired that the White House was not

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January 18, 2017

Trump ‘collecting UK politicians’ thumbs’

by philapilus
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A visibly impressed Mike Pence congratulates Trump for almost managing to raise both of his tiny thumbs simultaneously

In a sinister twist to the ongoing controversy surrounding the president elect it has emerged today that Donald Trump has allegedly severed and kept the thumbs of several British politicians.

A source close to Mr Trump revealed that pictures Donald Trump had taken with Nigel Farage and later Michael Gove, in which both participants give the thumbs-up sign, were immediately followed by bloody dismemberment.

“He makes them do a thumbs-up, like everything is hunky-dory,” said the source who refused to be named as Jared Kushner out of fear for his life “and then

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August 25, 2016

Farage and Trump to go on date

by philapilus

“Look I know you’re not happy about it, but he just…*gets* me, Melania, and that’s all there is to it.”

Nigel Farage and Donald Trump have agreed to go for a pint and maybe a dinner at Pizza Express, after hitting it off earlier in the week.

Farage spoke at a Trump rally, likening the glorious American future under Trump to the glorious British future post-Brexit, highlighting the glorious lack of ethnic minorities and money.

A Trump aide said “As Donald watched Nigel a light came into his eyes, and he began to gently

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December 8, 2015

Trump calls for ban on electricity entering the US

by philapilus
File:Donald August 19 (cropped).jpg

Thoughtful: moments after the static left his hair looking like this, Trump hatches his plan for containment and annihilation

Donald Trump has called for a national ban on electricity today, after suffering a ‘static attack’ that completely ruined his carefully coiffured hair.

The Republican presidential hopeful was just entering a revolving door when he received an electric shock, caused by a perfect storm of rubber soles, nylon carpet, and a bloated bag of wind.

Trump immediately called a press conference, launching a tirade against “Un-American electricity that hides in the carpet, or the wall, or the air, and then

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