Posts tagged ‘Tory’

June 6, 2014

Nigel Farage delighted with not winning Newark

by philapilus
2nd Place Ribbon by cross37 - A basic 2nd place award ribbon

“Yay! We won!”

Nigel Farage last night expressed his delight at UKIP’s coming second in the Newark by-election, and claimed “I think you’ll find we never wanted to win anyway.”

Mr Farage initially denied having ever indicated UKIP would win outright, then agreed he had said it but insisted he was talking about a different place called Newark, then denied it again, then finally said that whilst he had said it, if you listened carefully, it was clear he hadn’t meant it in the way it sounded.

He went on to explain that he was very tired.

“When I said we would win Newark, obviously what I meant was that the Conservatives would win the actual seat, but that we would

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November 14, 2013

Tories ‘said nothing’ between 2000 and 2010

by philapilus

“YOU know I’m not a total wanker, don’t you?”

The Conservative central office announced today that it had expunged its entire archive of speeches and press releases for the first decade of the century, because there really hadn’t been anything worth keeping in it.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “We looked through it, and basically we have just been saying exactly the same thing for years.

“We haven’t changed our policies one iota, and we haven’t said a thing that we’re not saying today, so there was no need for the archive. You can just listen to what we are

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October 2, 2013

Why Cameron’s cronies get the loaf, and the poor have crusts, by Polly Toynbee

by philapilus
David Cameron

‘I am guessing this uniformed man is the head of his fascist secret service, who go round supermarkets secretly re-pricing food until the poor can no longer afford it’

If ever we needed evidence that the Conservatives were out of touch, it came this week, when the Prime Minister admitted he didn’t know the price of a loaf of bread.

Unlike ordinary decent folk – like me – who do know the price (it’s 47p, and I didn’t just read that on the BBC website, I definitely already knew it), Cameron is living in Lala land.

Once again he seems to be inviting heavyweight, brilliant intellectuals – like me – to vent our spleens and make laboured, hamfisted, alliterative puns about how the crumbs and crusts the poor are living on are nothing compared to Cameron’s Cotswold Crunch.

In other words to make complete pretentious twats of ourselves.

Well, I’m not falling for it. I’m going to

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August 16, 2013

Happiness “not guaranteed” by sitting alone watching others have fun

by philapilus
British journalist and writer Polly Toynbee, p...

Polly discovered via a friend’s status that everyone had been invited to the party except her.

A groundbreaking article published by the Public Library of Science has suggested, for the first time, that sitting at your computer staring at pictures of other people having more fun than you, might not be the path to true inner peace and well-being.

The study into the correlation between social networking and existential despond was conducted by Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Who Gives A Toss.

McEyebrau said “What we have found is that if you take an average person, make them stare for hours at pictures of their friends having a good time at some event or other to which the subject has not been invited, whilst playing Eric Carmen’s ‘All by Myself’ on a loop in the background, then the subject will often experience what we social scientists call ‘unhappiness’.”

Polly Toynbee, the Guardian’s resident

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July 15, 2013

Iain Duncan Smith revealed as fake

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-London March 2010

It should have been obvious to anyone this was just a clown in a grotesque mask having a laugh

This morning David Cameron’s credibility suffered another blow, after it transpired that his Work and Pensions Secretary is not real.

Commenting on the benefits cap being unrolled today, the Prime Minister tweeted Duncan Smith’s on Twitter, only to discover that it was in fact a parody account he had tweeted.

But worse was to follow, as Cameron’s staff tried to find the DWP minister to see what was going on, and discovered that not only was he not in his office, but, technically speaking, he does not exist.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for

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May 9, 2013

Tories to ‘Out-bonkers’ Ukip by bringing back Dorries

by philapilus

Nadine says the colourful voices that live in her teeth told her to rejoin

After losing ground to Ukip in last week’s county council elections, the conservative party has reinstated Nadine Dorries, in an attempt to reclaim the status of ‘party with the highest appeal to lunatics’.

Dorries was suspended from the Tory benches for taking a holiday whilst parliament was sitting, in order to appear on a reality TV show.

But as the conservatives realised they were being out-manoeuvered by the preternaturally unhinged Nigel Farage, chief whip Sir George Young said they had “No alternative but to roll out the biggest nutters we possibly can. And they don’t come more batshit-crazy than Nadine.”

Dorries has

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May 2, 2013

Wanker of the Week: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
Nick Farage Interviev

“I would like to see your fanny, but failing that, please will you vote for me?”

Nominated by:


Nominated for:

Being Nigel Farage.

TMB would like to state that in all fairness we feel we should not reflect political biases. Therefore despite the fact that, due to voting-patterns of our readers which are beyond our control, Farage is named our ‘Wanker of the Week’, we will also provide some

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March 11, 2013

TMB Weather Forecast: The End Is Nigh

by philapilus
Snow falling

You are utterly screwed

Britain faces certain armageddon this week, with some 80% of the population expected to be dead by the end of Tuesday, due to some snow.

Meteorologists agree that some snowflakes will fall in several places around the country, causing chaos, hysteria and a regression into barbaric savagery.
There will almost certainly be some serious sniffles around too.
The government

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December 18, 2012

Queen to go on OAP ‘work outing’

by philapilus
Photograph of Queen Elizabeth II with Prime Mi...

It’s also been suggested her Maj could revisit her earlier, brief career, moonlighting as a high-class escort

Queen Elizabeth II will today take part in a new trial scheme which the government is hoping will help the elderly back into work.

At a time when the economic crisis has left many older people destitute, with pensions worth less than the cost of living, George Osborne has outlined a plan that will see them returning to the workforce on a part-time basis, to help pay the costs of their bills and care.

The Queen’s equerry, Sir Peter Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, said “Her Most Gracious Majesty, as sovereign ruler of these temperate isles, will be going in to a cabinet meeting this afternoon, as part of the chancellor’s pilot scheme of ‘OAP work outings’.

“As I understand it

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November 23, 2012

Lord Freud to fire bullets at paupers’ feet, shouting “Dance! Dance for me!”

by philapilus
English: American layout roulette wheel.

Like this, but oh so much more interesting

A senior conservative has today lambasted the poor for being utterly boring, and called for urgent measures which would see welfare recipients facing life-or-death scenarios on a daily basis.

Lord Freud, who is working on a radical overhaul of the UK benefits system, said that those on welfare needed to take far greater risks, because at the moment: “Hearing about their stupid problems is just sending me to sleep.”

The Tory peer elaborated: “What I would like to see is a totally restructured system for allocating welfare payments, based on an absolutely enormous roulette wheel, on which every claimant has to have a turn. It would have about five hundred little slots, only one of which would allow them to receive a

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