Posts tagged ‘Tories’

January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

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June 6, 2014

Nigel Farage delighted with not winning Newark

by philapilus
2nd Place Ribbon by cross37 - A basic 2nd place award ribbon

“Yay! We won!”

Nigel Farage last night expressed his delight at UKIP’s coming second in the Newark by-election, and claimed “I think you’ll find we never wanted to win anyway.”

Mr Farage initially denied having ever indicated UKIP would win outright, then agreed he had said it but insisted he was talking about a different place called Newark, then denied it again, then finally said that whilst he had said it, if you listened carefully, it was clear he hadn’t meant it in the way it sounded.

He went on to explain that he was very tired.

“When I said we would win Newark, obviously what I meant was that the Conservatives would win the actual seat, but that we would

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March 12, 2014

Miliband less keen on destroying UK than Cameron

by philapilus
File:Europe satellite globe.jpg

“If they weren’t so bloody close we wouldn’t get all these horrible garlicky smells wafting over the channel”

Ed Miliband said today that a Labour government might refrain from letting the British people commit economic and political suicide by severing themselves from the EU.

Miliband said Labour might hold a referendum, but that they would probably think a little bit about how and when, and only do it if it were necessary, rather than just pushing for one blindly, which is the Conservative plan.

A Labour spokesman said “Letting the cattle who read the Daily Mail vote on whether to leave Europe, whilst goading them to do so, is a little bit like pushing an elephant off a cliff and asking it to

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March 23, 2013

Gove “worst thing to have ever existed” say scientists

by articulatedsheep

Michael Gove’s appearance on Question Time last Thursday has reportedly given scientists the last piece of the evidential jigsaw needed to prove beyond doubt that the Secretary of State is the worst thing to have happened since the Big Bang.

The research draws on new data produced by the Planck Telescope, which has produced data showing that the universe is 50 million years older than initially thought. Scientists last week carried out computations that showed that nothing happened in that timeframe that was worse than Gove’s current existence.

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December 18, 2012

Queen to go on OAP ‘work outing’

by philapilus
Photograph of Queen Elizabeth II with Prime Mi...

It’s also been suggested her Maj could revisit her earlier, brief career, moonlighting as a high-class escort

Queen Elizabeth II will today take part in a new trial scheme which the government is hoping will help the elderly back into work.

At a time when the economic crisis has left many older people destitute, with pensions worth less than the cost of living, George Osborne has outlined a plan that will see them returning to the workforce on a part-time basis, to help pay the costs of their bills and care.

The Queen’s equerry, Sir Peter Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, said “Her Most Gracious Majesty, as sovereign ruler of these temperate isles, will be going in to a cabinet meeting this afternoon, as part of the chancellor’s pilot scheme of ‘OAP work outings’.

“As I understand it

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March 25, 2012

Shock at claims that donations in exchange for influence give influence to donors

by philapilus
Pound Sign (£) created with the Nimbus Sans ty...

Money can't buy you Gove - or any other Conservative MP. Probably.

Widespread and very nearly genuine shock was expressed this morning by all three of the major parties, after the Sunday Times published Peter Cruddas’ claims that giving lots of money to the Conservatives made you their bestest new friend.

“Cruddas was secretly filmed by Sunday Times journalists posing as journalists from a different newspaper,” said an unreliable source this morning, “who asked him what kind of access to top Tories could be expected in exchange for sizeable donations to the Conservative party.”

Cruddas’ response, according to a close friend (admittedly not one of Cruddas’s, though) was “Ok; 10 large will get you the PM’s private phone number and lunch; 50 will get you a leisurely afternoon shooting the breeze by the pool with Dave, while Nick Clegg mixes you cocktails; 100 k will give you a romantic candlelit evening with Cameron, and a back-rub from George Osborne; while for a full quarter-mill you get anything and everything you want. And I do mean anything…”

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March 6, 2012

Tory and Lib Dem relationship “going just fine, thanks” says Cable

by philapilus
Deutsch: Logo von Liberal Democrats

Cable found this in the bin this morning, and said "oh that old thing. No, we agreed we didn't need it anymore...". Then he ran from the room, sobbing.

Vince Cable answered the door to worried neighbours yesterday and said that everything was great, there were no problems, and that all the crashing and shouting they had heard was “probably just the TV”.

Cable had a black eye which he insisted was from walking into the coffee table, and he said there was no need for anyone to come in, that he had the Tories’ food on the hob and he had better go, thanks so much for calling and speak soon.

A worried neighbour told reporters “The Lib Dems and the Tories seem like a lovely couple on the outside, but, well, we’ve all wondered what’s really going on. The rows are very loud, and getting worse.”

Cable let it be known this morning that the fact that the Tories want to scrap the 50p tax rate for high earners was absolutely fine, and not something the Lib Dems minded about at all. He said he definitely felt he was being listened to, because when he meekly suggested that maybe people with massive houses might be able to pay a teensy bit more council tax or something, Cameron had looked very thoughtful.

“Unless he was just concentrating on the TV…”

Boris Johnson, who is inexplicably Mayor of London, said “Well…um, this is quite…you know. This is all a bit, well it’s a bit ‘silly buggers’-ish. A chap could end up paying a lot of dosh if we are…ah…going to start worrying about whether someone has a bit of a bigger house, and small-fry stuff like that.  So I want to….er, you know; I, I, what was I going to say? Ah yes, we should just stop – should jolly well stop bashing chaps, and just, you know, sort of get on with…with it.”

Johnson was just one of the many Tories who pointed out how unfair it would be if people were punished for amassing wealth by having to give some of it back, as if we were back in the practically medieval days of having to pay those – those whatdoyoucallits? Taxes, was it? Something old-fashioned like that.

When informed of the backlash, Cable’s lower lip trembled for a minute, but then he rallied and said “Oh, really? Well no problem there, no problem at all. Wasn’t a very good idea anyway. Certainly not something we’d even really had a chance to talk about. I mean, we mentioned it in bed the other night, but the Tories had had a tough day, and probably didn’t take it all in.”

Tears shone in the Business Secretary’s eyes as he added “They’re right really. Houses worth more than two million are very commonplace nowadays.

“We’ll definitely come up with something very soon though, to help people, and achieve our joint dreams of a…a better, fairer society.”

He stifled a sob, “And I will tell you what it is as soon as the Tories tell me what we’ve decided.

“Together.”