Posts tagged ‘Top Gear’

February 11, 2016

Top Gear presenters revealed!

by philapilus

Brrrrm brrrrrm goes fast; make all little boys excited

The full line-up of Top Gear presenters has finally been revealed, and TMB brings you the lowdown on all of them:

John Maynard Keynes: Keynes is a huge fan of governmental intervention within the economy, steerage of which can be best achieved through public expenditure or fiscal policies. He will be mostly based in the studio.

Milton Friedman: by contrast Milton Friedman is the main advocate of monetarism, and preferred deregulation and adherence to the quantitative theory of the money supply. As such he is the chalk to Keynes’ cheese; expect lots of

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March 12, 2015

Millions back Clarkson in campaign for ‘freedom of violence’

by philapilus

“I am saddened by this infringement of my human rights” said Jeremy

Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.

Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.

This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and

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May 2, 2014

Clarkson: “Top Gear should be more like Pimp My Ride”

by philapilus

But he always seemed like such a fair-minded, thoughtful sort of chap

Jeremy Clarkson has defended his use of the N-word in un-aired Top Gear footage as “Part of my strategy to appeal to the more ‘streetwise’ youth demographic.”

Clarkson had initially denied using the word, but later admitted it and apologised, whilst insisting he had “done everything a human being could possibly do to avoid using it, short of ripping off my head and shitting down my own neck-hole.

“Seriously, it was physically and mentally impossible for me not to use the word, and I should not be judged for it now.”

But this morning, Clarkson again

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April 15, 2014

Cyberthieves commit suicide after reading through Mumsnet data

by philapilus

Police have confirmed that Heartbleed hackers have been killing themselves in droves, after actually reading some of the data they stole from the Mumsnet website’s sorority.

About to unleash hell on another member who thinks disposable nappies are a bad idea

A suicide note left by super-hacker, Hackassassin, said “I am a 32-stone, unemployed, X-Box addict. Dark cycnicism, and engaging in online squabbles about Game of Thrones and Titanfall have been my stock in trade, and subsequently I have suffered from nihilistic, self-loathing depression all my life.

“But it wasn’t until I read through the Mumsnet messages that I truly knew existential despair. Goodbye, cruel

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July 3, 2013

Britain to field pub-based sociopaths as new army

by philapilus
Oldbury Road, Smethwick - England and UK flags

“They’re not exactly hard to find, either”

03/07/2013

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond is introducing bold new measures, which will see Britain’s professional armed forces gradually replaced with a much cheaper assortment of frequently-inebriated Territorial Army nutters.

Mr Hammond, taking a break from his Top Gear presenting duties, said today “You know those really aggressive guys from the pub? The ones who sit at the bar wearing combat trousers and a Union Jack vest, frightening the barmaids, and aggressively threatening new customers?

“I thought it would be brilliant if, instead of fielding elite, highly-trained soldiers, we just rounded up a bunch of unhinged TA reservists, handed them each a can of K cider and a broken bottle, and let them loose on any country that pisses us off.”

The Territorial Army was

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August 20, 2012

MOD reveals exciting design for its next doomed-to-fail project

by philapilus
English: 'Ormurin Langi' a Faroese rowing boat...

“Inevitably the current design will be scaled back, but if we save really, really hard there is no reason why we couldn’t get one of these by 2030. 2040 at the latest. Give or take five years.”

The Ministry of Defence has released infomation and pictures of a fabulous very exciting new ship-design, which it will spend hundreds of millions of pounds developing before eventually having to scrap.

According to the highly technical press release, the Type 26 Global Combat ship has “All like really exciting curves and stuff that make it really stealthy, and it’s got silos for all these missiles, which will come shooting out and blow everything up, and it has a really cool gun on the front – bang! BANG! It is seriously fricking awesome.”

The MOD outlines a plan for thirteen ships to begin coming into service after 2020, a plan which it predicts – after the initial enthusiasm – will be pushed back a few years, then a few more years, then the numbers will be scaled down, and eventually a single prototype warship will be made in around twenty years time.

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