Posts tagged ‘Tony Blair’

November 25, 2016

Blair dons suit of shining armour to help ‘politically homeless’

by philapilus
File:Tony Blair 2.jpg

                 “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Ex prime minister Tony Blair has ordered himself a brand new suit of shining armour, which he will wear whilst saving Britain from itself over the next few months.

Blair said today “I am here for you my children, here as your saviour once more. Here to lead you from the benighted valleys of Brexit and tory government back into the heavenly joys of New New Labour.

“I won’t be going back into the frontline of politics because frankly the pay is peanuts, but I will be saving the politically homeless (not to be confused with the real homeless, who are scuzzy and smelly and poor) from

read more »

Advertisements
July 7, 2016

Chilcott to head inquiry into moon

by philapilus

When you need something explained, even though it’s obvious, who you gonna call? JOHN CHIL-COTT! Dada-da duhdada…

In the wake of his report on the Iraq war Sir John Chilcott has been asked to chair another inquiry – into whether or not there is a moon.

According to the guidelines laid down for the inquiry, Chilcott has been asked to spend the next year producing a 300 page report.

He will, however, be

read more »

April 15, 2016

Exclusive: Chilcot report expected to pin blame for Iraq war on “international jewel thief, Douglas Vanderbildt”

by articulatedsheep

Excerpts from the long-awaited Chilcot Report, leaked exclusively to TMB this evening, reveal the prime culprit of the Iraq War – believed to have contributed to the death of almost half a million Iraqis, as the country slid into chaos following the US-led invasion of 2003 – to be none other than international jewel thief Douglas Vanderbildt.

read more »

January 25, 2016

On this day: 25th January

by philapilus
File:Hippo Indigestion.jpg

Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed

TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…

1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from

read more »

September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

read more »

June 18, 2015

Labour candidates promise paperclips and Fanta

by philapilus

The 1926 General Strike was Corbyn’s first venture into the world of politics

The candidates for the Labour leadership engaged in a TV debate in Nuneaton yesterday, unleashing a fierce battle of ideological one-upmanship.

Although pundits had predicted little in the way of substance or policy, the four hopefuls exceeded expectations and laid out their candidacies with firm strategy.

Liz Kendall offered “A Britain that has many, many more paperclips available, not just in our offices but in our schools, our townhalls, and even

read more »

May 28, 2015

Blair takes up new role as Middle East ‘war envoy’

by philapilus
https://i0.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg/623px-Tony_Blair%2C_UK_Prime_Minister_%281997-2007%29_%288228591861%29.jpg

Just an all-round great feller

The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”

Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.

But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ –  to spread war and discord instead.

“Sort of like a

read more »

May 13, 2015

Labour leadership contest: the candidates

by philapilus

They’re a sorry bunch, but just remember: it could be so SO much worse

Following Ed Miliband’s disastrous defeat last week, we bring you an update on all the candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring for the leadership of the Labour party.

Chuka Umunna: Umunna has really won over the youth vote, with his description of West End nightclubbers as ‘trash’. He has been described as the British Barack Obama, not because he resembles the American president, nor has similar politics, but largely because white people can’t name any other black political figures.

Joseph Stalin: Often described as being ‘hard left’, Stalin has vowed to

read more »

September 22, 2014

“You’re not actually PM anymore” Cameron tells Blair

by philapilus
Leaders from the three main political parties were forced to make An Intervention this morning, after unhinged

WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNUAL MEETING 2009 - Tony Blair.jpg

Has been very busy recently writing long emails to God instructing him how to run the universe

megalomaniac Tony Blair rang up the Ministry of Defence and ordered ground troops into Iraq and Syria.

A recording of his phonecall to the MoD revealed Blair instructed the UK armed forces to “Unleash a fiery hell” upon the Islamic State militia, adding “We’re going in again boys; I’ve led you to military triumph before, and I’ll do it again!”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said “David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband went round to Tony’s and knocked on the door. He answered it wearing a toga, paratrooper boots

read more »

May 30, 2014

Chilcott inquiry to publish gist of two post-it notes from Bush-Blair talks

by philapilus
File:Blair Bush Whitehouse (2004-04-16).jpg

The Cabinet Office has magnanimously agreed not to suppress images in which the two men appear together, provided you can’t see their trousers

After 5 years and £7m, the Chilcott enquiry has reached a deal with the Cabinet Office to make public the gist of two post-it notes, summarising a bit of a chat Tony Blair and George Bush had, in which the word ‘Iraq’ was nearly mentioned.

Sir John Chilcott and Sir Jeremy Haywood agreed that of the 130 recorded conversations between the former Prime Minister and US  President, the two ‘yellow stickies’ gave the public all the information it demanded, whilst still ensuring important sensitive information was protected.

Sir John Chilcott said “Well, I’m the first person who wants the public to get the whole truth; I

read more »