Posts tagged ‘Theresa May’

June 20, 2017

Theresa May almost successfully bakes potato

by philapilus

Nailed it, sort of

In news guaranteed to encourage Theresa May’s supporters Number 10 announced this morning that the prime minister baked “a nearly palatable potato for dinner last night.”

Percy Spoke, May’s spokesperson, said “OK so things haven’t been amazing recently. There was the whole election thing, the miscalculation on handling the Grenfell Tower fire, and

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June 1, 2017

Election: May misses leader debate to heal the sick and minister to the needy

by philapilus
File:Theresa May MP.JPG

“Scared? Don’t make me laugh!” said May from several hundred miles away

Theresa May announced this morning that her decision not to attend last night’s televised debate between party leaders was “absolutely not down to abject terror” and was purely because she was “busy ministering to the sick and needy”.

May said that she didn’t have time to waste on unimportant matters like being accountable to the country on live TV, or answering questions that people really want the answers to before they vote on who will run the country.

“That would have been

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April 19, 2017

Vote tory or I’ll end you, by Theresa May

by philapilus
File:Theresa May.jpg

Unlike Labour, I’m going to MEAN to do it when I ruin everything for everyone

As you will all have heard by now, I have called a snap election for next month.

I know you all thought I’d been saying for weeks there was no way I would do it, despite my slim majority, because it would cause national uncertainty. But you’re misremembering. Stop it.

The plain fact is that

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April 19, 2017

I guess you could vote Labour? by Jeremy Corbyn

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn crop.jpg

About twenty per cent less up for this than he looks

Hi everyone, Jeremy here, with some advice for the very exciting upcoming general election – a snap election which is bound to cement my position as Labour leader!

My message is simple and sincere, and it’s this: you won’t necessarily be wasting your vote if you vote for Labour (although I should point out that

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April 6, 2017

Theresa May: no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no ‘no-go areas’

by philapilus
File:2 Unlimited - 2016332013353 2016-11-26 Sunshine Live - Die 90er Live on Stage - Sven - 1D X II - 1770 - AK8I7434 mod.jpg

Philip Hammond will be joining Mrs May for the live performances. It won’t look like this.

Theresa May says she is fulfilling her long-standing ambition to break into the dance charts, after this morning’s surprise release of a version of 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limits’.

Mrs May’s spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “It was a brilliant bit of showpersonship actually. The PM was speaking to party activists in Nottinghamshire and she told them there are no ‘no go’ areas for the tories in coming local elections.

“She fixed them with a stare and repeated ‘no no-go’. Then she said ‘No no. No no no no. No no no no…’ and as she spoke the music faded up, and she suddenly ripped off

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March 29, 2017

Brexit letter lost in post

by philapilus

On signing the letter Mrs May said “It’s all downhill from here! No, that doesn’t sound right, I mean; it’s all uphill from here! Er…hang on…is it just me or is there no way to make this sound good?”

The government has confirmed that the letter Theresa May wrote to Donald Tusk – invoking article 50 and triggering Brexit – has been lost in the post.

A number 10 spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Mrs May wrote the historic letter, historically signed it, and in a true history-making moment, historically put it in the letterbox.

“She wanted to

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February 21, 2017

Theresa May visits Lords with baseball bat

by philapilus
theresamay

Theresa ‘Negan’ May

Theresa May made the highly unusual move of sitting in the House of Lords yesterday to observe the debate over the Brexit bill.

According to one Lord, “The prime minister entered the room, cracked her knuckles and then ostentatiously unwrapped a long silk package containing a baseball bat.

“As the

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January 10, 2017

Pound plunges below ‘cheap sweet’ threshold

by philapilus
quid

The once mighty quid is now worth less than a third of a ‘foam shrimp’

Sterling has plummeted to new depths this week, and £1 will no longer be sufficient currency to exchange for a single cheap sweet from the pick’n’mix counter.

Sterling flatlined on Monday morning after Theresa May failed to quieten Brexit nerves in a Sky interview on Sunday.

May was visibly drunk, and at times verbally abusive to interviewer Sophy Ridge, but insisted through teary-eyed despair that

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July 13, 2016

Cameron visits palace for official resignation

by philapilus

“Doo doodoo …that’s what you’re all in now!”

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right

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July 11, 2016

Theresa May to quit leadership race

by philapilus

Arcane 1922 Committee rules mean that after May’s withdrawal the Tory leadership will pass automatically to the corpse of Benjamin Disraeli.

Theresa May is expected to withdraw her bid to become leader of the Tory party this afternoon during a Whitehall press conference.

After Andrea Leadsom quit the race this morning (leaving May as the sole candidate) there were murmurings from the Home Secretary’s camp that Theresa recognised she had been out-manoeuvred.

The probability that she will concede defeat this afternoon was all but certain by lunchtime, as

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