Posts tagged ‘Tesco’

January 29, 2015

Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were

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September 22, 2014

Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more

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December 23, 2013

Middle class Christmas dinners “not actually prepared by Heston personally”

by philapilus
English: Heston Blumenthal at Taste Of London ...

‘I’ve got piles of cash this high back at home’

Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.

The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.

“I’m furious,” said Mrs Tory Wright, mother of Crispin, Clarissa and Clarence, “I spent

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November 27, 2013

Nigella’s ‘accidental’ illegal ingredient

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

“Doesn’t that look like salt to you?”

It has emerged that TV chef Nigella Lawson has been ‘accidentally’ adding cocaine to her cooking for several years.

“It was completely unintentional,” insisted an embarrassed Nigella, “I was going to add some baking soda to a bread recipe, and realised I ‘d run out.

“The cornershop didn’t have any, and Tesco was shut.

“Then this guy approached me on the street and asked was I looking for something. Well, he

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October 31, 2013

Dell laptops ‘not worth peeing on’ say cats

by philapilus

The feline community has expressed outrage over the suggestion that their urine smells similar to laptops made by manufacturer of very low grade computers, Dell.

Cat

‘Are you fucking kidding? Not if you paid me.’

Mr Mistoffelees, spokescat and conjuror for children’s parties, said “Those assholes who complained that their piece-of-shite laptops smelled of cat pee can go hang themselves.

“My urine is like a fine, dry Tesco’s own brand chardonnay, compared with the un-upgradable, cheap, laughable excuses for ‘computers’ that bunch of morons crap out.

“Honestly, they

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July 3, 2013

Advertisement: fun kid’s colouring-in book!

by unpseudable

Do your kids of 5 to 8 years of age like fun pictures?

Do your grandchildren just love colouring in?

Are your nephews or nieces totally addicted to the most horrifically violent 18-rated horror films?

Well, Yeah!

Then come on down to Tesco and buy your disturbed youngsters the Colour Me Good (Arrggghhhh) colouring-in book!

With pictures of your little darlings’ favourite fun and lovable horror characters, including Freddy Krueger from ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’, and Carrie from ‘Carrie’, your little ones will be amused for hours, and primed for hideous acts of violence of their own, we’re sure!

Just don’t forget to stock up on lots of red ink!

January 16, 2013

Outrage as wrong sort of testicles found in burgers

by philapilus
Offal

This would be much less appealing if it came from a horse

Shoppers expressed their fury today at announcements that the bits of intestine, testicles, nostrils and fat-cysts which they have been enjoying in their burgers, may have come from the wrong sort of quadruped.

Meat products from supermarket giants Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and Iceland have been withdrawn after tests indicated some products contained reclaimed processed mashed-up bodyparts that came from horses and not cows.

David Cameron issued a warning to food suppliers in a statement today; “This is totally unacceptable. Your big mashing machines, those ones that can grind up a tree and turn it into Weetabix, appear to have been used on horses instead of cows. Frankly all the poor people

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March 28, 2012

BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

by philapilus
Obese man early 20th century

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, “MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

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TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.