Posts tagged ‘terrorism’

March 30, 2016

Thing not related to terrorism or Trump happens

by philapilus

As yet no one has speculated that the thing could be something to do with giraffes

There have been unconfirmed reports suggesting that a thing happened this morning which as yet appears to have no relation to terrorism or to Donald Trump.

The thing happened just as rolling 24/7 news channels replayed footage of Donald Trump wiggling his jowls, and shortly before some more analysis of terrorism came on.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School for News Analysis and Horticulture, said “It looks very

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November 23, 2015

IS in shock as Paris attacks fail to establish world-wide caliphate

by philapilus

Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour

Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.

Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.

Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a

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January 28, 2014

“Angry Birds is No. 1 terrorist training tool” says NSA

by philapilus

‘Just like 9/11 all over again…’

US and British spy agencies have justified their data collection from computer game ‘Angry Birds’ on the grounds that the game is a covert method of recruiting and training terrorists.

Mr NotHisRealName, from the National Security Agency, said “Of course we’re spying on everyone who plays Angry Birds! Just think about it: righteously furious, airborne assailants, slingshotting themselves into infidel pigs. What about that doesn’t spell ‘suicide bomber training’ to you?”

Mr Spokesman, from definitely non-existent UK agency MI6, said “This is the reality of

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May 23, 2013

Muslims “delighted” to be your punching bag

by philapilus


The Baitul Futuh Mosque in London

“If you feel uneasy throwing bricks and petrol bombs at us, why don’t you pretend you’re relaxing at a coconut shy? Bring the kids; fun for all the family”

Peaceful, moderate muslims across the UK said today that they were thrilled by the prospect of being targeted with yet more stigmatisation, violence, and unconcealed hatred.

Abdul Iqbal, a grocer who doesn’t want to rip your arms and legs off and feed them to rabid dogs, said “Clearly the only appropriate response after yesterday’s atrocious acts of psychotic violence by two extremist nutters, is for you to beat the shit out of us as much as you like.

“I expect we deserve it. I mean, I’m not yet quite sure why my children should be pelted with stones in the park, but after I have finished reading the Daily Mail no doubt it will become clear.

“Oh and if you

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