Posts tagged ‘television’

November 27, 2013

Nigella’s ‘accidental’ illegal ingredient

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

“Doesn’t that look like salt to you?”

It has emerged that TV chef Nigella Lawson has been ‘accidentally’ adding cocaine to her cooking for several years.

“It was completely unintentional,” insisted an embarrassed Nigella, “I was going to add some baking soda to a bread recipe, and realised I ‘d run out.

“The cornershop didn’t have any, and Tesco was shut.

“Then this guy approached me on the street and asked was I looking for something. Well, he

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November 12, 2013

Born to Raise Hell: David Dimbleby

by philapilus
English: no original description

Another coke-fuelled harangue from the bad boy at the beeb

In this week’s ‘Born to Raise Hell’, our regular column about bad boys and dangerous girls, we interview TV hard man, David Dimbleby

David, you and your brother Jonathan have always been seen as real toughs, haven’t you?

Yes, I think so. This one time in 1972 we were in a car, and someone cut us up at the lights. Jonathan said ‘let’s get him’ and we drove really close to his bumper and shook our fists in the air. Madness. It was like we were the Krays.

You’ve recently had a tattoo done. Tell us about

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October 2, 2013

McCririck Tribunal told ‘It’s not his age, it’s his terrifying face’

by philapilus

The employment tribunal investigating the dismissal of 73-year old John McCririck, has been told by Channel 4’s commissioning editor for sport to “Take a long hard look at his sideburns, and tell me you wouldn’t try and get him sectioned, too”.

John McCririck headshot

For a while this specially designed headgear held the creatures at bay, but they soon escaped from the flaps

Jamie Aitchison said to the panel adjudicating on the case “It’s not ageism. I’m all for watching old people on TV; they’re hilarious. Like that time Thora Hird fell off a Churchill stairlift and didn’t stop rolling till the bottom step.

“Hilarious.”

Aitchison claimed that racing-pundit McCririck was instead fired after a long-standing battle over his facial hair.

“We said ‘John; it’s

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July 13, 2012

Joke religion to broadcast bollocks

by unpseudable

The man without whom there would be no Battlefield Earth. Just think about that.

As if existing and having famous members wasn’t enough, the Church of Scientology now plans to launch a TV station.

Scientology spokeswoman, Karen Pouw, said, “The Church (that’s right, I said “Church”) plans to establish a central media hub for our growing world network of churches, and to move into religious television and radio broadcasting in our continued scheme to take over the world.  Err… I mean, spread the important message about Thetans and all that shit.”

Experts suggest that it could be similar to the Christian Broadcasting Network run by Pat Robertson.  Only scarier.  “Imagine really good looking people talking for hours about unremitting bollocks, interspersed with the film Battlefield Earth, then you’ve pretty much got it,” said Rick Ross, cult expert.  “Hollywood’s the obvious place for them to be.  I mean, it is the home of entertainment.  Besides which, there are more blithering idiots per square mile there than anywhere else in the world.  But of course, by broadcasting such irredeemable balls they can reach all the other blithering idiots everywhere.  It’s terrifying.

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