Posts tagged ‘Syria’

October 27, 2016

Russia: ‘Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough ‘

by philapilus

Like a giant floating phallus

The Russian warships currently en route to flatten Syria have definitively proven how hard the country is, it has been revealed.

Russia’s deployment of a fleet is just the latest in a series of bold antagonistic moves, all of which have combined to make everyone think that Russia is really cool, muscly, and

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November 24, 2015

Turkish downing of Russian jet leads to pause for reflection

by philapilus

He’ll probably just tell Turkey that it’s no big deal, accidents happen, and not to worry about it

The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.

President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.

“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also

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October 21, 2013

Everything now brilliant in Syria

by philapilus
A basic gel fragrance air freshener.

It still smells a bit chemical-weapony in places, so the Foreign Office is advising British holidaymakers to take their own air fresheners. Otherwise it’s basically fine.

Everything in Syria has calmed right down, and everyone is very much going about their daily business with a contented smile, according to a new report published today.

The United Nations-commissioned report confirms that, by a bizarre coincidence, as soon as the world’s media stopped paying attention to things in Syria, the country’s civil war petered out, and hostilities gave way to ‘a general atmosphere of peace and love, sort of a bit like Woodstock, except nationwide, and without all the embarrassingly trite hippy sentiment’.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Stuff That Doesn’t Stop When You Switch Off The Telly, said “It’s odd, but ever since

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September 19, 2013

Assad “will dispose of chemical weapons”

by articulatedsheep

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has announced his plans to dispose of his country’s arsenal of chemical weapons by releasing them over a variety of densely-populated urban areas.

Hang on a second... how can he be a baddie, if he's clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Hang on a second… how can he be a baddie, if he’s clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Speaking to reporters yesterday, a Syrian Government spokesman said, “It is the will of the international community that we safely put beyond use our chemical weapons stockpiles.”

“And what better way to put them beyond use than actually using them to exterminate our opponents? Really, it’s killing two birds with one stone. Well, when I say “one stone” what I actually mean is “deadly cloud of noxious gas””.

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September 12, 2013

Putin steps down as president of Russia

by philapilus
putin on horse no shirt

“I’m very much like Ernest Hemingway, except more masculine”

Vladimir Putin has today announced his resignation as Russian president, citing his increasing boredom with the job, and “desire to follow my long-held ambition to be a journalist for the New York Times.”

In an open letter – his first piece for the paper – Mr Putin said “This Syrian thing is about as sinfully dull as waiting for Litvinenko to finally expire, except it isn’t even going to end as happily.

“Anyway, I have always loved words. I like to think of myself as possessing a powerful journalistic voice for freedom, like George Orwell or Hunter S Thompson, only not a tool of fascist Western decadence, obviously. Penning articles on riding shirtless across the great Russian plains

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September 2, 2013

Obama: “What the hell does it take to please you people?”

by philapilus
English: President George W. Bush and Presiden...

‘Can you give me some tips please?’

President Obama is expected to address Congress this morning, and berate them for being “A contrary bunch of fucking jerks”.

Sources close to the president indicate he is at the end of his tether, and is likely to scream “What exactly is it you people want anyway?!” before beating his fists on the podium and throwing a tantrum.

Obama’s plan to use military force against Syria has met surprising levels of resistance, even amongst the preternaturally bellicose republicans, who claim

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July 13, 2012

Syrian massacre provokes outcry

by philapilus
"The first British Hydrogen bomb is dropp...

“Not a single fucking goat in sight! What the hell is wrong with these people?”

The emerging story about the massacre in the Syrian village of Tremseh, that may have left up to two hundred people dead, has caused outrage today.

Whilst responsibility for the atrocity is unclear, with activists blaming the government, and the government in turn blaming rebels, an article outlining the sketchy facts led to thousands of furious responses when it was posted on the BBC website this morning.

“We have received almost five hundred complaints an hour,” said Mike Ock, of the Press Complaints Commission, “and we are upholding the universal content of these complaints in an official letter to the BBC. Because this rather unpleasant and distressing story has almost totally detracted attention from the fact that two goats have been surfing in California.”

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February 6, 2012

Chaos in Syria, journalists right in the thick of it

by philapilus
A microphone

Do you arses have ANY IDEA how much courage it takes to use one of these?? Bunch of punks...

In Syria, where something is going on that involves some sort of politics or civil unrest or civil war or something, reporters for various TV news stations have bravely continued to stand some miles away from the fighting and talk about it.

In acts of heroism and personal sacrifice – bordering on what BBC anchor Rick Head has described as “the new chivalry” – courageous men and women, issued with kevlar body armour and helmets, have remained at their posts.

Pointing to plumes of smoke in the distance, they shout into microphones above the sound of heavy bombardment and continuous gunfire, which definitely isn’t separately miked for effect in any way at all.

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February 4, 2012

Bashful Russia and China: “We’re not really in a position to judge”

by articulatedsheep

The shamefaced leaders of Russia and China have admitted that, when it comes to political repression and gunning down your own unarmed civilians, they “can’t really lecture anyone about it without looking a bit hypocritical”.

The two nations have taken the unprecedented step of explaining the thought processes behind their decisions to veto an UN security council motion decrying the machine-gunning of defenceless people and the bombing of their homes into oblivion – the kind of motion that most normal people would probably have no real problem with.

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