Posts tagged ‘Star Wars’

April 17, 2015

Lucas finally gets what fans really want out of Star Wars

by philapilus

Staring at this film-still for three hours would be so much better than the Phantom Fucking Menace

After years of making appalling prequels, Star Wars creator George Lucas has finally understood that actually fans just want to see Han Solo and Chewbacca flying the Millenium Falcon around and wisecracking.

The new teaser trailer for Star Wars Part XXVI, the Force Awakens Again After Sort of Resting For A Bit, suggests Lucas has returned to his winning formula; lush backdrops, no racist CGI characters, light sabers going ‘ZZZSSSHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM’ and a space rogue hanging out with his big cuddly friend.

Superfan Tim Twanks, who goes by the online moniker, Zedd Calrissiolo, said “I thought I

read more »

March 25, 2015

Isis in deadly battle with Tusken raiders

by philapilus

“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”

Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.

The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.

Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they

read more »

March 6, 2015

Han Solo crashes Millennium Falcon on LA golf course

by philapilus

Silver fox; yes. Credible action hero; not so much…

Veteran Rebel Alliance pilot and smuggler, Han Solo, has been injured after crashing his vintage spaceship in Los Angeles.

A spokesman for the Mos Santa Monica spaceport said “Solo reported engine failure shortly after leaving the runway, but successfully managed a textbook crash landing on a nearby golf course.

“He really is

read more »

June 25, 2013

Star Weds (Episode II)

by unpseudable

Some of the Star Wars characters celebrating. Greedo started it

In the week of George Lucas’ wedding to Melody Hobson, TMB is very fortunate to have the illustrious director’s thoughts on reworking a ceremony held so fondly in the memories of so many.


A long time ago, if you will, in a galaxy, uh, not so far away – ahahaha – I met Maria.  Now, some people said we shouldn’t have gotten involved.  But we did.  In fact, we got married.

Now this was way back in 1969.  Of course, in those days we had none of the new technologies now available to us.  All the people attending the wedding had to be actual, genuine people.  Yes, even the minister had to actually be present.  We did come up with a huge raft of new innovations to overcome

read more »

November 7, 2012

News Brief: Members of original Star Wars cast set to return

by philapilus
Retired military personnel at a table drinking...

The Rebel Alliance plans its next move against the Evil Galactic Empire in Mos Eisley’s space bar

The news that Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill are keen to return for the next Star Wars film has greatly excited the franchise’s fanbase.

Their characters will obviously be a little older, as the actors have aged some seven decades since the first film, but a spokesperson for Disney said  “Solo and Skywalker are going to be just as full of vim and vigour as ever.

“The plot hasn’t been finalised, but we are looking at some very exciting new props, including adding light sabers to the front of Hamill’s zimmer frame, and giving Ford a wheelchair with a smuggling compartment built in.

“Hans Solo will be wearing a flatcap, and has a whippet to replace Chewbacca. He will also have many lines showcasing his trademark wit, including a constant litany on how expensive everything is these days, and the catchphrase ‘I remember when all this were spacefields’.

“I can’t give too much away about the storyline at this stage, but I don’t mind hinting that Luke is having difficulty finding his glasses, and Han’s piles are playing up something terrible.”

October 31, 2012

New Star Wars films will make Episodes 1-3 look like the Godfather Trilogy

by philapilus
Time 100 2006 gala, George Lucas.

He has as much integrity now as he did before

The Disney corporation has announced that it will be taking over Lucasfilm in a £2.5bn deal, which it promises will mean “A new Star Wars film every two months for the next seventy years”. 

Lucasfilm, the production company of George Lucas, is most famous for blowing the unmitigated goodwill of the entirety of Earth’s cinema-going public, with three prequel films so godawful that they almost destroyed Western civilization as we know it.

The news that Disney will be helming the series from now on has met with mixed reactions from the franchise’s enormous fanbase.

Grudulphus Parseghian, an unemployed film buff who recently legally changed his name from Tim Twanks, said “Personally I know for a fact that these films are going to be terrible, and I have spent the last four hours saying so on all of my blogs. I mean, what the Falcon does Disney know about the Kessel Spice Mines? Or the Jedi Praxeum on Yavin 4?”

read more »