Posts tagged ‘Slough’

December 12, 2013

Breaking News: Mandela “still dead”

by philapilus
English: Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg, Gaute...

Pretty much still like this, only more horizontal, and less smiley

Last updated 43 seconds ago

The world’s media have again confirmed that Nelson Mandela is still dead, and shows little to no sign of improvement.

After the news broke three minutes ago that Mandela remained a corpse, mourners continued to file past the open casket in their thousands, to pay their final respects, say goodbye to a beloved leader, and continuously check his pulse.

Mandela – or ‘Madiba’ as everyone is now pretending they knew he was also called – is linked to

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November 21, 2013

UK ‘City of Culture’ title only open to shitholes from now on

by philapilus
Español: Samuel Beckett

With such a plethora of UK cities qualifying as contenders, is it any wonder that Beckett spent most of his life in France?

As Hull revelled in the news that it would be the UK City of Culture in 2017, other cities previously tarred with the ‘complete shithole’ tag have stepped up their campaigns to win the coveted title.

A spokesman for Scunthorpe, who was too embarrassed to give his name, said “What’s Hull got that we haven’t? They’ve only won this on the basis that a poet had to take a library job there, because poetry pays fuck-all.

“Well Samuel Beckett once gobbed on the platform of Scunthorpe station when he was on a train passing through. We’ve made a blue plaque and everything. If that’s not culture I don’t know what is.”

Similarly Bradford is

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September 30, 2013

UK children can’t hold their drink

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

Why don’t our children want to be more like this?

There was public outcry this morning at the revelation that hundreds of children across the UK – many aged 11 or under – were admitted to A&E units last year, after drinking too much.

A BBC Radio 5 live investigation revealed that 6,500 under-18 year olds were admitted to hospital in total, of whom nearly 300 were 11 and under.

Minister for Communities, Eric Pickles, said “This is an absolute disgrace. When I were a lad of six I drank eight pints a day without throwing up once, because I made sure that I simultaneously ate around 70 scotch eggs, pork pies and

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August 16, 2013

Happiness “not guaranteed” by sitting alone watching others have fun

by philapilus
British journalist and writer Polly Toynbee, p...

Polly discovered via a friend’s status that everyone had been invited to the party except her.

A groundbreaking article published by the Public Library of Science has suggested, for the first time, that sitting at your computer staring at pictures of other people having more fun than you, might not be the path to true inner peace and well-being.

The study into the correlation between social networking and existential despond was conducted by Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Who Gives A Toss.

McEyebrau said “What we have found is that if you take an average person, make them stare for hours at pictures of their friends having a good time at some event or other to which the subject has not been invited, whilst playing Eric Carmen’s ‘All by Myself’ on a loop in the background, then the subject will often experience what we social scientists call ‘unhappiness’.”

Polly Toynbee, the Guardian’s resident

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July 11, 2013

Thresher sharks “have ninja training”

by philapilus
Thresher Shark

Masters of disguise; now you see them, now you don’t…

Research published in the scientific journal Plos One has revealed for the first time the surprising discovery that thresher sharks use ninjitsu to catch their prey.

Pelagic thresher sharks in the Philippines were recenty captured on film performing impressive overhead kicks, one-inch punches, and killing neck-chops, to take out unwitting sardines.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the

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June 19, 2013

News Briefs: ‘traffic’ food labels get the go-ahead

by philapilus
English: A pair of white briefs.

We are going to have to replace our ‘News Briefs’ with ‘News Grannypants’, if you lardasses don’t stop eating


The UK government has announced the introduction of an improved and consistent method for labelling food packaging, based on the ‘traffic’ system, of green, amber and red colour-coding.

The new guidelines will also give more specific traffic symbol-based warnings on certain products. Fast foods like chocolate, crisps and chips will now have to emblazon their packaging with  ‘STOP’, ‘Wide Load Ahead’ and ‘Avoid Weak Bridges (You Fat Fuck)’.

Anything made by McDonalds, Nestle or Coca-Cola will additionally

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June 3, 2013

UK weather warning: strange celestial shape spotted

by philapilus

It’s time to make peace with your Maker

The Met Office has issued a severe weather warning after a large burning, sphere was spotted in the sky this morning. The bright shining thing is thought to be the cause of a severe nationwide heatwave, which has seen temperatures everywhere rocket way above the safe level, and into double figures.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, from the Slough School of Sky Scrying, said “Across the country, our fluffy charcoal-grey sky appears to have been replaced with a blue so shockingly bright that it will quite probably destroy your retinas if you look right at it.

“As for the big white-hot thing slowly and inexorably climbing above us, we aren’t yet sure if it is a monster or an alien invasion, or even the Second Coming. All I can say is that everyone needs to hide in a basement with a thick blanket over their heads, until this terrible apocalyptic weather disappears.”

March 28, 2013

New Cumnock wins ‘Most exemplary Scottish town’ award

by philapilus

Naturally it had to be spruced up quite a bit before it looked this good

Residents of New Cumnock in East Ayrshire are celebrating today, after discovering that their hometown has won the coveted ‘Carbuncle Award’.

The yearly prize is awarded to the Scottish town considered most dismal, which in Scotland is a highly prized status.

Resident Jock McStrap makes 180% proof moonshine from potatoes, and sells it in a windowless, disused pigsty behind his derelict house, which makes him both the most successful businessman in the town, and the nearest thing it has to a public functionary.

Accepting the ‘Plook on a Plinth’ award

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February 28, 2013

“Sodoff ‘m not druk ‘m jus’ bit dizzizzy” says Britain

by philapilus
A Kranz (wreath) of Kölsch beer.

Research shows that Northerners believe if you can fit it on one tray, it counts as one drink.

New research indicates that previous studies of alcoholism in the UK have woefully underestimated the extent of the problem, because of a tendency amongst researchers to believe what alcoholics said to them.

The author of a new report, professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute for Stomach-pumping, said yesterday “Previous questionaire-based  studies suggested that the population’s aggregate alcohol consumption for 2012 was four carafes of wine, a miniature gin from a hotel minibar, and seven bottles of WKD.

“But when we

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January 25, 2013

Thousands line up to kick Swansea City ball-boy

by philapilus
A football (or soccer ball) icon.

See? he does look an awful lot like a ball.

A ball-boy has seen his Twitter followers rise to 80,000 overnight, after being kicked by Chelsea midfielder Eden Hazard during a match held on Wednesday.

The vast majority of those now following him have asked if they can come and give him a kicking too, with thousands more ringing his home or gathering in the street outside with the same intention.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, footballologist at the Slough Institute of Sport and Writing Things Down, said “What we have here is a very interesting phenomenon. Essentially, most of the early recruits to his Twitter feed yesterday were Chelsea supporters, eager to punish the ball-boy for time-wasting.

“But increasingly, more and more of his new followers have been football fans who were just generally angry, wanted someone to hurt, and had noticed on TV that

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