Posts tagged ‘Simon Cowell’

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of

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August 21, 2013

Birth of the Antichrist may be imminent

by philapilus
English: Satan as Antichrist

Strangely no one has ever really commented upon Cowell’s unusual means of transport to and from the TV studios

The Catholic Church warned this morning that there is a very real possibility that the Antichrist will soon be upon us.

Father Mario Carrta, of the Holy Church’s Committee for Debating the End of the World, said “The Holy Book tells us that in the End Times a beast will arise; noxious and perfidious beyond all imagination.

“And it will sire a son, who, through no fault of his own, will be the antithesis of all that is holy.

“It was thus with great horror and trepidation that the Committee discovered in the paper this morning that Simon Cowell will

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February 17, 2013

Bored Cameron quits politics for pop

by philapilus
Cameron speaking in 2010.

“I’m keen to bring ‘Jazz Hands’ back into the hit parade’s music videos. What do you think?”

It has emerged today that the prime minister has finally succumbed to the stresses of leading an unpopular coalition government and will resign from his position, in order to pursue his first love; making bland anodyne pop music.

No 10 announced that Cameron had been feeling for weeks that he “Wasn’t up to the job” and that like the Pope, he was “Keen to get out there and do some living before it’s too late.”

Ken Clarke, art historian and fencing champion, said “The prime minister’s first idea was getting Paul and Ringo to reform the Beatles, with him playing the John Lennon parts. But that screaming diva McCartney went into an apoplectic fit at the mere mention of John’s name, so Dave hung up and

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April 21, 2012

Nation reels at new Cowell revelations

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed entirely unexpectedly today, and completely without the consent of the man himself, that Simon Cowell is an unstoppable sex machine.

Cowell, whose success with the ladies is comparable only to that of Casanova himself, has managed to bed literally millions of nubile Ukrainian models in the last eighteen hours alone.

A bashful Cowell told a gaggle of tabloid reporters, “Please, gentlemen, please. Don’t you think this is all rather sordid? Can’t a man take advantage of his impossible virility without everyone coming down on top of him?”

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April 20, 2012

Sugar lifts Livingstone campaign

by unpseudable

If that's not the face of someone having a really serious shit, I don't know what is

As the London Mayoral election race hots up to temperatures just in excess of zero degrees Kelvin, Lord Sugar is seeking to help guide floating voters.

Reality TV star, Alan Sugar, has urged people not to vote for Ken Livingstone in the upcoming election – an action described as “a boon” by the election team behind Livingstone himself.

“Thank the Lord!  Quite literally,” says Ken’s publicity Guru, Gary Uru. “I mean things were looking pretty shitty there for a while, what with Ken’s unerring shittiness and all, but this has really given the campaign the boost it needed.  I mean, who do you trust less: Sugar or Livingstone?  Eh? Eh?  Or Johnson, for that matter?  See, it really evens out the odds.”

Boris Johnson is reported to be “upset” at this recent turn of events.  Sources suggest that he has approached the likes of Simon Cowell and someone else of whom TMB researchers simply can’t be arsed to find out the name, to ask them to publicly write off the posh tosser, hoping to tip the balance back in his favour.

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