Posts tagged ‘Secretary of State for Health’

November 13, 2013

A&E units to tell 50% of people to ‘piss off’, in NHS revamp

by philapilus
English: NHS logo

Not Helping. Sorry.

It was announced today that radical changes in the NHS will see A&E departments divided into two tiers, one where they’ll help you – provided you are about to die – and one where they’ll tell you to ‘piss off and just run it under a cold tap, or something’.

After years of the service being routinely abused and fucked up by successive governments, NHS chiefs explained that they no longer had enough money to convince staff to care.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “From now on, A&E ‘major emergency centres’ will only accept you provided you’ve

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July 12, 2013

Cigarettes ‘less harmful’ when sold in attractive packets

by philapilus
English: Camel cigarettes. Warning signs on Ci...

The camel picture wards off sickness and death, and makes smoking these cigarettes almost as good for you as a healthy morning jog


The government has today defended its decision to defer introducing mandatory plain packaging for cigarettes, citing new evidence proving that cigarettes are 123% healthier when the packets have adverts on.

The conservatives were initially in favour of Department of Health recommendations to cut smoking rates through banning attractive packaging.

But a report commissioned by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt suggests that a plain white packet bearing the legend “These will kill you, you moron” is much more likely to give you lung cancer, and significantly increases the chances of all your children dying from passive

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June 11, 2013

North “still eating too many pies”

by philapilus
Deep-fried Mars bars

Unbelievably, this DOESN’T contain your recommended daily dose of vitamins

Groundbreaking research into life-expectancy suggests that being constantly drunk and eating several packets of lard a day might not be completely brilliant for your health.

Experts believe that lifestyle habits such as deep-frying breakfast cereal, or eschewing any exercise beyond shouting about Margaret Thatcher, could explain why people in Northern England are generally dying several decades before their Southern counterparts.

Adrian Spoke, spokesperson for

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March 28, 2012

BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

by philapilus
Obese man early 20th century

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, “MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.


TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.