Posts tagged ‘Sebastian Coe’

August 13, 2012

Not many jobs involve being able to do the triple jump, sadly

by philapilus
English: Mo Farah at the 2010 European Athleti...

“Yeah but what I want to know is: can he stack tins of chopped tomatoes?”

As everyone goes back to work this morning, following a highly successful and popular Olympic Games, the  wave of euphoria, pride and inspiration promised by Legacy Ambassador, Sebastian Coe, has run straight into the aggressive, punch-you-in-the-face-if-you-talk-to-me cynicism of Britain.

Studies show that 98% of Britons had invested in expensive running shoes and sports gear, with every intention of turning over a new leaf, and cycling, running or pole-vaulting to work, from now on and forever.

But the lethargic population of a country famed throughout the world for its hangovers, sinking sense of morning-after regret, and general homicidal despair at the beginning of the week, woke up today, thought about it for a second and said ‘fuck that shit’.

read more »

July 26, 2012

Sebastian Coe’s evil plan begins to unfold

by philapilus
English: 14 kiloton atomic explosion, from a 1...

Coe and Opening Ceremony organiser Danny Boyle have promised the London 2012 Olympics will “go off with a bang…”

Rumours abound this morning that yesterday’s supposedly accidental slight to the North Korean women’s football team, was actually an act of outright provocation.

North Korean players’ profiles were shown on video screens next to the South Korean flag, which led to a walk-off by the players, and a delay in the match by an hour. The Olympic organisers issued an apology to the North Koreans, and insisted it was an honest mistake.

But Mike Ock of BBC Sport said “I have been speaking to the technicians involved in producing the video display. What has begun to emerge is a very disturbing picture of intentional offence.

read more »

July 23, 2012

“I had a nightmare, a terrible nightmare!”

by philapilus
DSC_6364 Sebastian Coe on big screen

The stuff of our worst nightmares

Britain woke up this morning from a terrible dream, walked to the bathoom where her lover Bobby Ewing was having a morning shower, and burst into tears, saying; “Oh it was awful! I had this terrible dream, that seemed to last for years and years and years!

“When I woke up I thought for a godawful minute that we had been stupid enough to host the 2012 Olympics here in London! I dreamt that in 2005 we won the Olympic bid, and that we spent seven years of gruelling misery getting ready for it.

“It seemed so real!”

Bobby held the UK tightly in his arms and said “It’s ok, it’s ok. What happened?”

read more »

June 17, 2012

Danny Boyle revamps Olympics ceremony plan

by philapilus - Comic-Con 2009 - Stargat...

Unlike everybody else involved, this man would still be able to find work next year…

Since the unveiling last week of Danny Boyle’s bucolic vision for the 2012 opening ceremony, the public’s initial surprise and befuddled confusion has turned to nausea and increasingly irate revulsion, with the result that Boyle has been asked to drastically revise his ideas.

The director’s original plan for a sickeningly quirky stage-set of pastoral Britain showcased a green and pleasant microcosm of the four nations.

The sights of a county cricket match, children doing maypole dances, and buxom lasses pulling warm pints of bitter in thatched-roof pubs, were carefully balanced with scenes of casual racial violence, failed tennis players sobbing into their clenched fists, and large queues of grumbling misanthropic bastards standing indefinitely at bus stops, waiting for buses that never come.

The finale was to be a vast, waddling parade of overweight pregnant teens, wearing jewellery stolen from Argos in the riots.

read more »

May 10, 2012

2012 Olympics proudly continues Third Reich tradition

by philapilus
The Nazi origins of the Olympic Flame relay wa...

Coe says “The 2012 Olympics logo looks really neat against a white circle on a long banner, don’t you think?”

With the lighting of the Olympic torch in Athens today, the depressingly long summer of sport-obsessed hysteria is officially under way.

Whilst women clad in white robes kindled the torch from sunlight – Greece no longer being able to afford matches – there was an audible ‘clunk’ as everyone switched off their higher brain functions.

Minds around the globe were retuned to Basic Operational Mode, and any word with more than three syllables was officially banned from use until the autumn.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, said “Well this is really brilliant. It was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods, and as we get lots of people to run round and round Britain, with a bit of fire in a confusing relay, I like to think that Prometheus would be sitting up there weeping. Tears of joy, of course.”

“After all, what would be the point in just taking the torch straight to the Olympic stadium? Or, worse still, doing away with the whole torch-transportation thing, and lighting the cauldron with a Zippo? You might as well claim the whole thing is meaningless ceremony, given that fire is now fairly easily generated, and doesn’t have to be passed from one person to another, like some precious and rare commodity.”*

read more »

March 21, 2012

Olympics “totally not about making money”

by philapilus
Cropped transparent version of Image:Olympic f...

These five rings represent the amount of zeros automatically added to the cost of anything once it has been tenuously linked to the Olympics

Relief flooded the hearts and minds of Britain’s Olympic-loving population today as it was confirmed by the Minister for Hulture, Media and Sport, the Rt.Hon. Jeremy Cunt, that the Olympics was far beyond the petty, squalid realms of money.

The Ron Jeremy Cunt’s soothing words came after a row blew up yesterday over the decision of the Games Organiser, Locog, to charge torchbearers £200 to be allowed to keep their torches.

read more »