Posts tagged ‘Sean Connery’

September 19, 2014

Defeated Salmond to be dragged through streets in victory parade

by philapilus

The No campaign’s brilliant ‘Trojan Horse’ subterfuge involved getting a bunch of hypocritical non-resident celebrities, like Sean Connery, to come out in favour of independence. The principles of reverse psychology did the rest.

David Cameron will today chain the body of vanquished foe Alex Salmond to the back of a Nissan Micra, and then drag it around Edinburgh – just like Achilles did with Hector at Troy.

The defeat of the Yes campaign in yesterday’s referendum marks the end of the SNP’s dreams for independence, and the crushing of the First Minister’s long-held ambition to crown himself King of Scotland.

In a press statement this morning

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December 13, 2013

British secret agent ‘never existed’

by philapilus
Shape of Walther PPK

A substitute penis for so many men through the ages, Bond never actually used the Walther PPK -mostly because he’s a make-believe character

Britain’s fans of espionage were in a state of shock today, after doctors from Nottingham and Derby proved that national hero, James Bond “is not a real person”.

A team of GPs announced today that “There’s no way that a complete alcoholic could sustain a job as a high-performing assassin and undercover operative for sixty years and counting.

“We’re sorry, but we’re pretty sure this means he isn’t real.”

The startling revelation has

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January 12, 2012

Fishy tails as Scottish Salmon takes up the rod

by philapilus

The Scottish Salmon, known throughout the UK for its unusually chunky flesh, truculent attitude and homing instincts, has once again dominated the news this week, as Scottish fisheries make claims of national superiority and unveil a new marketing policy that will prevent the control of the fish industry by posh restaurants in Westminster.

The Salmon, a fish of the family ‘Salmonidae’, is distinctive for being unsusually fat about the gills and incredibly brash and loud – as discovered by underwater sonic researchers, who have confirmed other salmon have no idea what the Scots variant is banging on about. It is rumoured amongst restaurateurs in London that the purpose of the campaign for self-control of the Salmon fish stock stems in part from the Salmon’s sense of deep unease about the disregard in which it is held by the rest of the world’s cultured fisheries.

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