Posts tagged ‘Scottish National Party’

June 15, 2015

People still inexplicably listening to David Starkey

by philapilus

“Bweaaarrkkk!!! Kweaauurrkkkk CLUK CLUK! BUK-BUK QWEAAARRKK!”

There has been public shock today, after it transpired that some terminally unwise people actually listened while David Starkey spouted some more of his bullshit.

The cantankerous TV ‘history buff’ opened his mouth and allowed a huge river of shit to pour out – ostensibly to liken the SNP to the Nazis, although he was probably just trying to see how much shit he could spew before the room was full and everyone had to leave.

But new SNP MP Jock McStrap said “Wuir nae gon’ tae stan’ fer it! Wuir nae a violent nassty peeple! Wuir peesful as yon next man! Starkey bin takin’ shite an’ weez gon’ tae heidbutt ‘im an gie ‘im a Glasgie smile an’ leev him burrnin’ in

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November 7, 2014

Absolutely no one challenging Miliband for ‘unwanted’ leadership

by philapilus

Gold-plated job security: when literally everyone else would rather die than take over from you

Labour rebels denied attempts to overthrow Ed Miliband today, adding that no matter how dissatisfied they were with him, they couldn’t find a single person willing to take over and lead the Labour party into catastrophic general election defeat next year.

Rebel Wedge Antilles, MP for Little Chittface in Hampshire, said “Well, there has been a fair bit of sniping about Ed behind his back. There’s been clandestine meetings where everyone is trying to make out that they’re planning leadership challenges, and so forth, mostly out of bravado.

“But actually we haven’t found a single person who will go through with it and usurp Ed’s place. It’s a shit job, and

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September 16, 2014

Some vote or something going on in Scotland…?

by philapilus

“Is this their flag? I think this is their flag…”

People throughout the UK have been surprised to learn this lunchtime that there is going to be some kind of referendum or something taking place in Scotland – apparently really quite soon.

The ‘Scottish vote’ was first mentioned this morning on local radio in Torquay, during a phone-in session about the drawbacks of catsitting, but has gradually been picked up by the main news organs during the course of the morning.

The three main UK political parties and the Scottish National Party all admitted they were not in a position to comment on the forthcoming vote, because none of them could quite remember anything about it.

But the

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March 10, 2014

Scotland and UK united in despising Gordon Brown

by philapilus

“Just awful”

Ex-PM Gordon Brown has once again managed to defuse tensions and heal rifts, by getting the opposing sides on the Scottish Independence question to unite in their joint hatred of him.

Brown outlined a six part plan for power-sharing between London and Edinburgh, cities which until now have been locked in a bitter tug of war.

Both sides immediately and simultaneously issued statements offering the olive branch, each agreeing to “anything you ask for, as long as we can join together in telling that one-eyed prick to piss off.”

A contrite UK said

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May 14, 2012

Scottish government intitiative to increase consumption of meths and turpentine

by philapilus

It is hoped the new minimum price will cut per capita daily intake down to roughly this amount

The Scottish Nationalists have unveiled a bold strategy to get completely wankered Scotsmen off booze and back on to cheaper, more dangerous substances.

The move comes after calls from the medical profession, the police, charities, and even the alcohol industry, for a cull on the swelling numbers of unruly, pissed-up twats, who are currently destroying any chance the country has of entering the modern era.

Unveiling a new fifty pence minimum price for a unit of alcohol, Alex Salmond – whose political supremacy proves just how dire the national drink problem is – said “Och, wha’ ye dinnae ken iz the extent o’ tha trooble. Yon’ pissers iz go frae sprits an beer frae morn bin nacht. An’ they dinnae keel o’er frae long, long yeers. Iz a drrrain on tha’ cuntry’s feenance. E’en us Scoats iznae prood o’ sum’ o’ they. Tha’ ought tae shew ye quate how bad it iz noo.”

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