Posts tagged ‘Satire’

May 31, 2013

Mars Rover ‘discovers Richard Littlejohn’

by philapilus
LBC News Talk - Richard Littlejohn photocard (...

Just Fucking Awful

NASA pictures from the Mars Rover have caused a furore of excited debate amongst the scientific community, after keen-eyed observers noticed they appeared to show Richard Littlejohn.

Scientists claim that by zooming in on details in the Rover’s 49,301st and 49,302nd photographs of small brown rocks, the repellent rodent can be seen quite clearly, chewing on its own testicles.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leading geneticist from the Slough School for Spotting Stuff on Mars, said “We believe that

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May 23, 2013

Muslims “delighted” to be your punching bag

by philapilus

   

The Baitul Futuh Mosque in London

“If you feel uneasy throwing bricks and petrol bombs at us, why don’t you pretend you’re relaxing at a coconut shy? Bring the kids; fun for all the family”

Peaceful, moderate muslims across the UK said today that they were thrilled by the prospect of being targeted with yet more stigmatisation, violence, and unconcealed hatred.

Abdul Iqbal, a grocer who doesn’t want to rip your arms and legs off and feed them to rabid dogs, said “Clearly the only appropriate response after yesterday’s atrocious acts of psychotic violence by two extremist nutters, is for you to beat the shit out of us as much as you like.

“I expect we deserve it. I mean, I’m not yet quite sure why my children should be pelted with stones in the park, but after I have finished reading the Daily Mail no doubt it will become clear.

“Oh and if you

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May 17, 2013

Fire engines “not actually necessary”

by philapilus
Routemaster buses at Clapton Pond terminus, Lo...

“Look, it’s even got a pole on the back that you could try and slide down if the alarm goes while you’re upstairs. Perfick.”

An independent, wholly unpartisan report has, amazingly, managed to confirm the government’s position on rampant financial waste in the public sector.

A report by the former chief fire and rescue advisor, Sir Ken Knight, states that “The entire fire-fighting service of the UK is a glaring example of utterly unnecessary waste, especially as we employ fire-fighters all year, when most fires can be put out in a single afternoon. What the hell are they doing the rest of the time?!”

Sir Ken’s concluding remarks recommend

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May 16, 2013

Mervyn King: “It’s all just about the Golden Handshake now”

by philapilus
The Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Lo...

“If you ever go down to the basement you’ll see there aren’t even any foundations. The whole building just sits on a cushion of hot air, like a hovercraft, or Cameron’s Cabinet”

Outgoing Governor of the Bank Of England, Sir Mervyn King, admitted this morning that talk of Britain’s economic recovery has been largely motivated by “the number of zeros I am going to get on the end of my cheque in June”.

King, one of the country’s most powerful figures, and whose every utterance affects the confidence of investors, said “The country’s economy is definitely growing. I know I said it was 0.5% yesterday, but it can be even higher if you like.

“Let’s call it 5% this year, rising to 9% next year. Haven’t I done well? In fact I think we’re

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May 15, 2013

“Everyone should be put down, apart from farmers and me” says Cornwall councillor

by philapilus
English: A two-headed calf, Museum of Lausanne...

“It’s disabled children like this one who really piss me off; they’re such a waste of taxpayer’s money”

Colin Brewer, the councillor who caused controversy this year with his comments about the virtue of killing disabled babies, is once again at the centre of a public row.

Brewer, who had been forced to resign but somehow won his seat back in this month’s elections, said this week “The problems of this country are all about limited finances and overpopulation.

“The only way to fix broken Britain compassionately is to smash every single newborn infant’s skull against a wall until the brains ooze out of its ears, and then chuck the body on a giant bonfire.”

He added “Unless

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May 14, 2013

Men in moral/horny quandary over Jolie’s mastectomy

by philapilus
Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Alexander in...

“What are we meant to fantasise about now?!” said men everywhere “Do we just focus on her big, pouting, luscious lips and… actually, don’t worry, that’ll do fine.”

The news that Hollywood star Angelina Jolie has had a double mastectomy to reduce her very high risk of breast cancer, has caused men across Britain to feel very confused.

John Thomas, a self-described ‘Jolie-fanatic and then some’, said “I got up, switched on the news, and there was Angelina talking about boobs. Naturally, I grabbed the box of tissues and Assumed The Position on the couch.

“But then it turns out she was talking about the likelihood of getting breast cancer, and it

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May 14, 2013

Cameron “Absolutely delighted” by Tory infighting

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

“It’s going really well. Definitely.”

Downing Street issued a statement this morning saying that the prime minister was “very happy” with his party’s current self-combustion over Europe, and considers it a sign that the debate is “very healthy and not-at-all castatrophically fuckwittedly disastrous for us”.

Many Eurosceptic Conservatives were enraged by the ommission of any reference to an EU referendum in the Queen’s Speech, and have proposed an amendment in Wednesday’s debate on the speech, along the lines of “Sodding well grow some bollocks, Dave”.

But Cameron has played down

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January 21, 2013

CBeebies’ satire once again deemed too controversial

by philapilus
Camp Bestival 2009

Obviously completely inappropriate for kids

The CBeebies channel, home of vitriolic lampoonery, has again got into hot water over its In Yer Face content. The station broadcast a programme yesterday morning which ventured where no other satirical vehicle has yet dared to go.

In a specially commissioned episode of controversial show, the Tweenies, the character Max dressed up as Jimmy Savile, complete with godawful hairstyle, shell-suit and phallic, oversized cigar. He proceeded to feel up Milo and Fizz, then trapped Bella in a cupboard and made her fellate him, whilst he throttled Jake.

Max then assaulted the dogs Doodles and Izzles, before turning to the screen and rubbing his

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December 12, 2012

Satire broken; expect long delays

by philapilus
English: Still frame from White House video of...

Anti-establishment rage just seeps out of his every pore

With an audible crunch and the screech of metal twisting and scraping, satire crashed and broke down this afternoon, as the news was announced that Nirvana have asked Paul McCartney to replace Kurt Cobain at their reunion gig.

Satire’s sudden crash caused a massive pile-up, with incredulity, nausea, despair, anger and eventually numbing indifference, ramming into it, unable to stop.

Nirvana, with their teenaged angst, and simultaneous ability to shill for corporations whilst being appropriately vocally self-loathing about it, epitomised the

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December 6, 2012

Queen told to fuck herself

by philapilus
Queen of United Kingdom (as well as Canada, Au...

Try not to automatically punch her in the kidneys and call her a vag-faced Aussie cockmaster

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was this morning repeatedly told to “Fuck off”, “Piss off” and generally “Go shag a corgi”, by everybody with whom she spoke on the telephone.

A source close to the ageing monarch let slip that the royal psychiatrist had been called to comfort her, after continual telephonic rebuffs and insults left her catatonic with shock.

In a rare move, Buckingham Palace issued a press statement about the Queen’s private conversations, explaining that “Since the hoax by two Australian radio presenters, who

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