Posts tagged ‘Sainsbury’

December 23, 2013

Middle class Christmas dinners “not actually prepared by Heston personally”

by philapilus
English: Heston Blumenthal at Taste Of London ...

‘I’ve got piles of cash this high back at home’

Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.

The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.

“I’m furious,” said Mrs Tory Wright, mother of Crispin, Clarissa and Clarence, “I spent

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September 12, 2012

“No more of this going around trying to fix things!” warns Gove

by philapilus
Latin Alphabet

Recognising just five of these squiggly things will get you a B, and if you hum the tune of the song nearly correctly you can push that up to an A

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education and Giving Away Yachts, has today called the Welsh Education Secretary a “Clueless cockmaster”, after the latter ordered a regrading of GCSE papers.

Gove is reportedly furious with Dafyd Gareth Evans for endangering the parity of marks across this year’s results.

Evans in turn, along with many other people in the country, thinks that endangering the parity of this year’s results against those of other years is “Infinitely more fuckwitted” and proves that “Gove’s job could be better performed by a small arthritic donkey that has been lobotomised by a blind gorilla.”

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July 2, 2012

Wimbledon hawk goes back to work

by philapilus
English: Harris' Hawk (Parabuteo unicinctus)

So wild he has had to be chained to someone’s hand. What a maverick

The owner of Rufus, the Harris hawk, admitted this morning that the pigeon-scarer had not in fact been stolen, but had been on “a bender of brain-melting, gut-rotting proportions”, before being scooped out of the gutter and handed in to the RSPCA on Sunday.

Rufus, whose sole purpose in life is to prevent pigeon shit landing on tennis fans, was reportedly “So bored out of his tiny brain that he just buggered off after Thursday’s matches.”

Police searching for the reportedly stolen bird, said their suspicions were aroused when witnesses claimed to have seen a hawk drinking several cans of Sainsbury’s super-strength lager, at a bus stop on Saturday night.

PC McGarry No 452, of Scotland Yard’s Ornithological Larceny Division, said “Further questioning revealed that a bird matching Rufus’s description was thrown out of a bar earlier that evening, after trying to start a fight with a stuffed owl behind the bar.”

“We then found CCTV footage of him drunkenly weaving across the street, almost being hit by a car, and then entering Spearmint Rhino.”

The hawk spent some time in the strip joint, before once again being thrown out. This time the ejection was for diving at 145 mph onto the feathered bra of one of the strippers and ripping it away, believing it to be a wood-pigeon.

At which point the bouncers grabbed him and gave him a good kicking before leaving him for dead on the street.

“Rufus then seems to have regained consciousness, entered an all-night branch of Sainsbury’s, and bought the lager,” said PC McGarry “When we questioned him, we were able to go through his receipts, matching his movements up to CCTV, and piecing together an almost unbelievable three days of alcohol, sex and violence.”

This is not the first time that alcohol and Wimbledon have mixed to create a stir. Sue Barker once drank so much gin during a match that she unsuccessfully propositioned her opponent seven times, before calling her a frigid cow, and stomping away.

And last year a drunken Cliff Richard wandered onto the centre court, took off his clothes, and started singing at the top of his voice, before being removed by ballboys. He was said to have found the manhandling “Preternaturally arousing”.

McGary said “Rufus is lucky not to be in hospital, prison or worse. I mean; fucking hell. I have never seen a bird-binge get so out of hand. And I used to patrol in Newcastle, when the Hen parties were on.”

March 28, 2012

BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

by philapilus
Obese man early 20th century

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, “MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

***

TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.