Posts tagged ‘Russia’

February 9, 2015

People who complain about American intervention demand American intervention

by philapilus
File:Angela Merkel 2 Hamburg.jpg

“Merkel ought to get Obama’s bloodlust up: imagine Ann Diamond arriving on your doorstep – and she’s still not forgiven you for tapping her phone”

People unencumbered with brainpower who have spent years telling everyone how terrible the USA is, have decided it would be really good if America could wipe out IS and/or Russia as soon as possible.

Former ‘Anti-Yank’ Tim Twanks said “For years my friends and I have sat around at dinner parties, having lengthy conversations about the evils of the American military-industrial complex, and complaining about

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August 12, 2014

Russia sends not-at-all suspicious aid convoy to Ukraine

by philapilus

“You couldn’t fit a platoon, a small armoured car, an anti-tank artillery piece and enough supplies and ammunition to last three months into one of these. And we should know, we checked!”

Russia insisted today that the 300 lorries full of food and medicine it is sending to Ukraine “Really don’t need to be checked very thoroughly at all.”

Vladimir Putin, whose country has clashed with the West over Russia’s attempt to dominate the region, said that the vehicles “Are full of socks, vodka, and pickled fish, and definitely not packed with special forces and munitions.”

But Western military intelligence warned that the 45,000 troops currently massing on the

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July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

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March 5, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Bell on the Crimea

by philapilus

Once again we present a brilliant, biting satire, syndicated from sister-paper ‘The Grauniad‘! Stefan Bell, the so-called ‘greatest 18th-century throwback’ satirist of his generation, is using his razor-sharp wit, subtlety and unsurpassed drawing skills to really

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March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

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February 20, 2014

Putin completes transformation into comic-book villain

by philapilus
If 2D people turn to the side, you can't see them at all

If 2D people turn to the side, you can’t see them at all

After having women whipped in the street, demonising homosexuals, and upholding the authoritarian Ukrainian government’s stance against calls for democracy, experts say Vladimir Putin has now become a fully-fledged comic-book baddie.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Multi-storey Carpark School of Graphic Novels, said “At some point during the night the Russian president finally flattened into 2D, and developed the requisite black outline.

“By around 8AM he had been reduced into relatively simple blocks of colour, and shortly thereafter he was seen prowling around the Kremlin in a cape and mask, cackling maniacally, and

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February 7, 2014

Putin threatens to stick his big, hard nuke into virgin Canadian soil

by philapilus

Vladi likes a good tumble, but not in a gay way

Vladimir Putin has lashed out at Canada, after an amusing, gentle Canadian advert protested against the tide of Russian homophobia surrounding the Sochi Winter Olympics. 

Putin said he “will not rule out a nuclear strike against the country of benders, in retaliation for their Satanic support of queers and sodomites.”

Surrounded by big burly security men, with large weapons in their pockets, the president declared his own unimpeachable heterosexual manliness, and called for “violence against anyone who thinks it is ok to have

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November 14, 2013

Tories ‘said nothing’ between 2000 and 2010

by philapilus
Penn_Way_opening

“YOU know I’m not a total wanker, don’t you?”

The Conservative central office announced today that it had expunged its entire archive of speeches and press releases for the first decade of the century, because there really hadn’t been anything worth keeping in it.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “We looked through it, and basically we have just been saying exactly the same thing for years.

“We haven’t changed our policies one iota, and we haven’t said a thing that we’re not saying today, so there was no need for the archive. You can just listen to what we are

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September 19, 2013

Assad “will dispose of chemical weapons”

by articulatedsheep

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has announced his plans to dispose of his country’s arsenal of chemical weapons by releasing them over a variety of densely-populated urban areas.

Hang on a second... how can he be a baddie, if he's clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Hang on a second… how can he be a baddie, if he’s clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Speaking to reporters yesterday, a Syrian Government spokesman said, “It is the will of the international community that we safely put beyond use our chemical weapons stockpiles.”

“And what better way to put them beyond use than actually using them to exterminate our opponents? Really, it’s killing two birds with one stone. Well, when I say “one stone” what I actually mean is “deadly cloud of noxious gas””.

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September 12, 2013

Putin steps down as president of Russia

by philapilus
putin on horse no shirt

“I’m very much like Ernest Hemingway, except more masculine”

Vladimir Putin has today announced his resignation as Russian president, citing his increasing boredom with the job, and “desire to follow my long-held ambition to be a journalist for the New York Times.”

In an open letter – his first piece for the paper – Mr Putin said “This Syrian thing is about as sinfully dull as waiting for Litvinenko to finally expire, except it isn’t even going to end as happily.

“Anyway, I have always loved words. I like to think of myself as possessing a powerful journalistic voice for freedom, like George Orwell or Hunter S Thompson, only not a tool of fascist Western decadence, obviously. Penning articles on riding shirtless across the great Russian plains

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