Posts tagged ‘Rolf Harris’

May 11, 2015

The TMB guide to Cameron’s new cabinet

by philapilus


Eric Pickles will be the new moon

As David Cameron continues to form his new cabinet, we bring you the lowdown on the ministers already appointed:
Prime Minister: Boris Johnson

In a surprise move, David Cameron has decided to make Johnson the head of his new government, though the role will only apply during the night-time when no one is looking. Boris will also take over David’s marital obligations to Samantha

Home Secretary: Michael Gove/Theresa May

The new government’s first cabinet meeting will feature a bloody death-match between these two ministers, who have each demanded the opportunity to stick and disembowel the other like a squealing pig. The victor will

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May 28, 2014

All court evidence to be delivered “through the medium of song”

by philapilus

“The Defence calls for a kazoo, m’lud…”

After Rolf Harris surprised jurors in his sex abuse trial yesterday with renditions of his musical hits, the High Court has ruled that in future all evidence is to be given through song.

Judge Dreydd, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, said “I don’t know if Rolf’s guilty or not, but it’s the first time I’ve ever seen a jury stay awake for the whole session.

“From now on it is going to be mandatory for all witnesses and defendants to communicate solely through song – although they will be allowed to accompany themselves on wobble-board, spoons, or the kazoo.

“Anyone who

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November 26, 2013

3 Minute Visions: My Scotland, by Alex Salmond

by philapilus
World cup England

“Furthermair I will pers’nally headbutt aw’ tha English till their heids burrst. Yon Bastards that ye are!”

For this edition of ‘3 Minute Vision’ — our weekly slot dedicated to reducing hard, complex issues to the cerebral equivalent of a small piece of fluffy lint with cotton-wool-like consistency — TMB has asked Alex Salmond to give a brief precis of why an independent Scotland is such a good idea:

Westminster scumbags bin doin us doon’ frae cent’ries past, so after a wee dram fir breakfast, I wrote yon white paper.

Some o ye bin sayin Scotland’s only got yon North sea oil, which is utter shite: oor thrivin’ economy’s got industry ranging frae shortbread, bagpeep recordings, an’ festive sporrans, tae rood postcards an’ tin brooches shaped like thistles; ye name it… and folks gang frae all roond the worl’ to buy oor tartan blankies.

Once we’ve o’erthrown tha

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June 10, 2013

Diary: Alex Jones

by philapilus

This strangely fat and ugly face looked back at me from the mirror this morning; obviously the Jew bankers have done another face-transplant on me while I slept


4:08 Britain, shit. I’m still only in Britain. Charlie-Jew-Communist is out there, getting stronger. Need to get back into the shit. Ate bottle of Pepsi. Plastic hurt my teeth. Very worrying.

4:53 Awful. Woke up, aliens were NOT under the bed. Tricky bastards must have disappeared when their mind-reading devices showed I was about to wake. Ate a Twix. Back to sleep.

5:03 woken by strange continual noise of gas being expelled from my anus. Lasted half an hour. I collected a sample in

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September 26, 2012

Commission to choose new Archbishop convenes

by philapilus
Rolf Harris @Sheffield Doc/Fest 2010

The church stands firmly against bestiality. And on an unrelated note, here’s Rolf Harris.

The Crown Nominations Commission today begins its final meeting to select a candidate to succeed Rowan Williams.

The meeting, which will last two days and is held at an undisclosed location, is traditionally surrounded by a veil of secrecy, but in an exclusive scoop TMB has discovered the names on the short list. This is the first time such information has ever been unveiled.

According to highly secret sources, there are two front-running candidates, and the committee is deadlocked between them. Both men are understood to be desperate to win the nomination, as they are both shortly to leave their current posts.

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