Posts tagged ‘Richard Littlejohn’

January 18, 2018

£44m for Calais ‘fair and reasonable’ says Daily Mail

by philapilus

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden” was the headline the Mail ran with

The Daily Mail has expressed its support for the UK’s decision to accept more migrants from Calais and give the city £44m to beef up border controls.

In a comment-piece this morning, usually cantankerous thought-spewer Richard Littlejohn said “This seems eminently fair. Why shouldn’t we help those wanting to benefit from being a part of our country, when they

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September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

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October 1, 2013

Daily Mail attacks Miliband’s father for not being a Nazi

by philapilus
Harold, Lord Rothermere 1868-1940

It’s a good thing no one associated with the Daily Mail 80 years ago ever said anything even remotely politically or ethically unconscionable

The Daily Mail has entered into a savage row with Ed Miliband, over its assertions that the Labour leader’s father was “Not engaged enough in raving pro-Nazi demagoguery in his youth.”

Picking up on one line in a diary entry that Ralph Miliband made when he was a teenager, in which he pondered momentarily whether Imperial Britain might not after all be the bestest thing ever since the very dawn of time, the Mail launched into a characteristic tirade.

“It was the task, no the duty, of all young men of that era, to propagate the Nazis and the British fascists,” wrote a furious Geoffrey Levy “Right up

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September 13, 2013

“We wouldn’t date you bastards either” say Blobfish

by philapilus
English: A dominant male proboscis monkey at t...

“I wouldn’t kiss Richard Littlejohn to save the fucking rainforests”

After being named the planet’s ugliest creature in a competition to pick a mascot for the Ugly Animal Preservation Society, blobfish said today that, as far as they were concerned, humans weren’t all that either.

Spokesfish Bob Flish said “Speaking on behalf of the various species that you hairless monkeys have taken it upon yourselves to call ugly, I’d like to say that, collectively, the entire animal kingdom would rather go extinct than on a date with Bruce Forsyth.

“I mean you’ve got some fucking nerve, haven’t you? Look at Esther Rantzen, Anne Diamond, David

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May 31, 2013

Mars Rover ‘discovers Richard Littlejohn’

by philapilus
LBC News Talk - Richard Littlejohn photocard (...

Just Fucking Awful

NASA pictures from the Mars Rover have caused a furore of excited debate amongst the scientific community, after keen-eyed observers noticed they appeared to show Richard Littlejohn.

Scientists claim that by zooming in on details in the Rover’s 49,301st and 49,302nd photographs of small brown rocks, the repellent rodent can be seen quite clearly, chewing on its own testicles.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leading geneticist from the Slough School for Spotting Stuff on Mars, said “We believe that

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April 9, 2013

What they’re saying about: Margaret Thatcher

by philapilus

 

English: division symbol (÷), Times New Roman ...

If I hear it one more time I am going to fucking twat someone

In another of our TMB special features where we rip off other people rather than do any research ourselves, here’s a round-up of what other news outlets have been saying:

The legacy of former prime minister, Margaret Thatcher who died yesterday, is now more than ever the subject of intense scrutiny and analysis, with wildly differing accounts from across the board.

The Guardian said

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April 29, 2012

Murdoch: Stop buying my papers

by unpseudable

"I'm talking about myself"

TMB is fortunate to be able to offer a slightly abridged transcript of Rupert Murdoch’s appearance at the Leveson Enquiry. Our TMB editors have picked the most salient and illuminating points, which essentially get to the heart of the issue, resulting a nuanced and balanced summary of proceedings.

All quotes are directly from the mouth of Murdoch himself, although, obviously for absolutely complete context you may need to read all 223 pages of the interviews.

 

I’ve been wrong, at great cost.

Why don’t you come to lunch on Sunday?

I’m sorry. I’m afraid. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

If you want to judge my thinking, look at the Sun.

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April 10, 2012

Pirate-terrorist Abu Hamza “Might not like” neverending incarceration

by philapilus
Captain Hook

Imagine; “Aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh me shipmates…”, but in a trying-to-blow-the-shit-out-of-people-who-aren’t-religious-maniacs sort of way.

One-eyed, one-handed terrorist suspect Abu Hamza – who is, to be fair, a bastard so apparently it’s ok to laugh – will find out later whether or not he is going to be extradited to the US, where he may face lifelong incarceration under incredibly harsh conditions.

Hamza and five other men are fighting extradition on the grounds that, actually, they’d prefer not to live in so-called ‘Supermax’ prisons, which, despite their upbeat moniker, are not places of joy and high-octane excitement.

“The issue,” said Human Rights lawyer Penelope Pitstopovic, “is that whilst extradition is totally fine for potentially innocent people, (provided of course that no one is ever, ever extradited from the USA, obviously), convicted hate-criminals and massive arseholes like Hamza might have a bit of a shit time in big nasty prisons. And that would be bad. Sad face. See?”

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