Posts tagged ‘Putin’

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

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August 12, 2014

Russia sends not-at-all suspicious aid convoy to Ukraine

by philapilus

“You couldn’t fit a platoon, a small armoured car, an anti-tank artillery piece and enough supplies and ammunition to last three months into one of these. And we should know, we checked!”

Russia insisted today that the 300 lorries full of food and medicine it is sending to Ukraine “Really don’t need to be checked very thoroughly at all.”

Vladimir Putin, whose country has clashed with the West over Russia’s attempt to dominate the region, said that the vehicles “Are full of socks, vodka, and pickled fish, and definitely not packed with special forces and munitions.”

But Western military intelligence warned that the 45,000 troops currently massing on the

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March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

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March 5, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Bell on the Crimea

by philapilus

Once again we present a brilliant, biting satire, syndicated from sister-paper ‘The Grauniad‘! Stefan Bell, the so-called ‘greatest 18th-century throwback’ satirist of his generation, is using his razor-sharp wit, subtlety and unsurpassed drawing skills to really

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February 20, 2014

Putin completes transformation into comic-book villain

by philapilus
If 2D people turn to the side, you can't see them at all

If 2D people turn to the side, you can’t see them at all

After having women whipped in the street, demonising homosexuals, and upholding the authoritarian Ukrainian government’s stance against calls for democracy, experts say Vladimir Putin has now become a fully-fledged comic-book baddie.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Multi-storey Carpark School of Graphic Novels, said “At some point during the night the Russian president finally flattened into 2D, and developed the requisite black outline.

“By around 8AM he had been reduced into relatively simple blocks of colour, and shortly thereafter he was seen prowling around the Kremlin in a cape and mask, cackling maniacally, and

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February 7, 2014

Putin threatens to stick his big, hard nuke into virgin Canadian soil

by philapilus

Vladi likes a good tumble, but not in a gay way

Vladimir Putin has lashed out at Canada, after an amusing, gentle Canadian advert protested against the tide of Russian homophobia surrounding the Sochi Winter Olympics. 

Putin said he “will not rule out a nuclear strike against the country of benders, in retaliation for their Satanic support of queers and sodomites.”

Surrounded by big burly security men, with large weapons in their pockets, the president declared his own unimpeachable heterosexual manliness, and called for “violence against anyone who thinks it is ok to have

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February 6, 2014

Sochi Olympics handy dos and don’ts guide!

by unpseudable

Ahead of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, TMB has exclusively acquired the visitors’ guide for olympians and spectators alike on their exciting visit to Russia’s Black Sea port.

 
Sochi is definitely ready to welcome you!

On arrival in Sochi you will probably want to get straight to your hotel and have a rest, being weary after your long travels. Firstly we recommend that you confirm your hotel has been built. Don’t worry – chances are it will have been! Some may still require a few cosmetic finishing touches of course, but once the floor’s put in everything will be fine. If you are one of those lucky enough to be booked into an actual complete hotel, your Sochi adventures can begin!

You may want

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October 31, 2013

‘Putin could beat Obama at arm-wrestling’ says Forbes

by philapilus
Barack Obama & Vladimir Putin at Putin's dacha...

The only thing we need to know is who has the biggest tonker

The world’s most prominent magazine for list-making has released its hugely influential and important annual power-list, in which it has ranked Vladimir Putin above Barack Obama in arm-wrestling skills.

A spokesman for Forbes, Ivor Smalljohnson, said “In our (wholly theoretical) league-table of arm-wrestling skills, we reckon that Putin’s mighty iron fist could easily force Obama’s rather limp hand to the tabletop.

“After all, Putin is clearly a magnificent wanker; pretty much everything he does is a colossal shining sack of wank – his wrist muscles must be bigger than Arnie’s! Look at his brilliant new anti-gay law; astonishingly powerful wanking going on right there.

“Whereas Obama is

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September 12, 2013

Putin steps down as president of Russia

by philapilus
putin on horse no shirt

“I’m very much like Ernest Hemingway, except more masculine”

Vladimir Putin has today announced his resignation as Russian president, citing his increasing boredom with the job, and “desire to follow my long-held ambition to be a journalist for the New York Times.”

In an open letter – his first piece for the paper – Mr Putin said “This Syrian thing is about as sinfully dull as waiting for Litvinenko to finally expire, except it isn’t even going to end as happily.

“Anyway, I have always loved words. I like to think of myself as possessing a powerful journalistic voice for freedom, like George Orwell or Hunter S Thompson, only not a tool of fascist Western decadence, obviously. Penning articles on riding shirtless across the great Russian plains

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August 14, 2013

Putin “straightest man alive”

by philapilus
English: TOKYO. President Putin on a tatami at...

No one else is anywhere near as good at tugging other men about and holding them down

Vladimir Putin reaffirmed yesterday that he is, and has always been, “A massive, massive pussyhound, with no gay feelings whatsoever.”.

Putin was speaking at a press conference in defence of Russia’s anti-gay ‘propaganda’ laws, after protestors around the world called for the Winter Olympics to be held in a country where gay people don’t get the shit kicked out of them with the approval of the state.

Surrounded by large, burly secret service men with big weapons in their pockets, Putin was forthright in blaming homosexuality for unemployment, Russia’s economic backwardness, and rainclouds.

“Let not us forget is called Mother Russia, a woman, and as most heterosexual of all Russian man I like only

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