Posts tagged ‘Prince Philip’

May 14, 2015

“DEATH TO DEPP’S DOGS!!” screams Australian Minister

by philapilus

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and

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December 4, 2012

Royal Baby: what the papers are saying

by philapilus

The Morning Babel brings you a round-up of headlines from the British press:

English: Reversed and cropped detail from File...

Is he planning to kill this one?

Royal baby will be “almost as good as Diana”

     — The Daily Express

 

Royal baby: the latest fashion tips for foetuses

     — ES magazine

 

Royal baby FAT!!!! Scans show the tiny foetus has NOT managed to keep as TRIM as its mother; could Kate be on a BOOZE and DRUGS binge??!?!?!

     — Heat Magazine

 

Shock report: Royal baby might be black

     — The Sunday Sport

 

Prince Philip ‘Planned to kill Royal Baby’

     — The Daily Mirror

 

Wills and Kate: are they really happy to be pregnant?

     — The Daily Mail

 

Princess’s baby bump makes bumper year for royals

     — The Sun

 

Royal baby will not pay corporation tax

     — The Independent

 

Royal baby destined for much better life than your children

     — The Guardian

June 20, 2012

Mugabe: ‘If I am going down, I am taking as many of you with me as I can’

by philapilus
English: President George W. Bush applauds for...

Blair winning the medal for most pedestrians killed in a single day, applauded by runner-up and potato-print expert, George Bush Jr

A spokesman for Robert Mugabe, who is still not dead, today announced that Sunday’s collision between the Zimbabwean president’s motorcade and a minibus, was not an accident.

The incident, one of three fatal collisions involving Mugabe’s motorcade in the last fortnight alone, had previously been described as owing to an error of judgement on the part of the minibus driver.

But Mugabe’s press secretary, speaking at a news conference today, said ‘I just spoke to Robbie, and he said to me “You know what? I’m sick of this diplomatic shit. Just tell them what happened. What the fuck are they going to do about it?” and then laughed maniacally.’

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June 5, 2012

Queen “underwhelmed” by Jubilee pageant

by articulatedsheep

At the conclusion of the four-day long extravaganza celebrating the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, Her Majesty has issued a public statement thanking the public, both in Britain and in the wider Commonwealth, but suggesting that the series of events “weren’t all that, really”.

The Queen said, “Fair play, clearly people put in a fair bit of effort, but I’d sort of hoped for something with a bit more oomph.”

What she enjoys best is a nice, relaxing, informal evening sitting in front of the telly

Citing the Thames flotilla, Her Majesty continued, “A load of boats. Big wow. I said from the start that boats leave me cold, but oh no, apparently that was how it was going to be. I mean, whose jubilee is this, anyway?”

The Queen submitted a detailed paper to the Government in 2002, following what she described the “Golden Jubilee fuckup”, the intention being to, “remind everyone who’s in charge and stick two fingers up to the Frogs in the process”. The Queen’s suggestions included a horseback lightsabre battle between the US President and a Yeti, “shitloads of jetpacks – not sure in what context, but you can fill in the details yourselves” and “draining the English Channel and filling it with booze”. She also asked that she be issued with a high powered assault rifle with which she could “pick off a few of the plebs”.

None of these things actually came to pass this weekend.

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February 17, 2012

Burnley reeling from being ‘liked’ by Prince shock

by unpseudable

This man also 'likes' Michael Winner, Peter Stringfellow and Oliver Letwin. "One is just trying to be helpful"

After decades of speculation, Prince Charles has finally revealed the football team he despises most in the country: Burnley FC.

In a statement the Prince veiled his ire by feigning appreciation for the team. However sources close to the Prince suggest that this is all a subtle ploy to ruin their chances of promotion. “The Prince keeps a close eye on football, but the team he follows most closely is Burnley. He hates them. I mean, really hates them. Nobody quite knows why. So, when he saw they had a chance of moving into the playoffs, maybe even getting promoted, he knew he had to make his move. So, yes, he said he liked them. He didn’t mean it.”

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