Posts tagged ‘Prince Harry’

February 6, 2017

Breaking News: Toff slightly faster than other toffs

by philapilus

Sporting superstars

The world has been rocked to its very core today, after it was revealed that toff Prince Harry is better at running than both his toff brother Prince William and his toff brother’s wife, toff Princess Kate.

Royal Commentator Arthur Theremin said today “This changes everything. Black could be white, up could be down, 2 and 2 might make 17. This is literally the most important thing happening anywhere in the world.

“The US president’s attempts to

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March 6, 2013

Kate: “I’ll take a teddy for my d…”

by philapilus
Royal Wedding of William & Kate 155

Face it; it’s not going to look out of place in this line-up. (And also, it can pull the chariot, as long as it isn’t actually on fire)

  Rife speculation over whether the Duchess of Cambridge was expecting a boy or a girl reached a fevered climax yesterday, after reports that she almost let slip what the baby’s sex was.

According to pretty much every newspaper and glossy mag out there, some random woman off the street claims she might have heard the princess nearly using the word ‘daughter’. Allegedly.

But this morning, to the stunned shock of the world’s media, a statement

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January 22, 2013

“I can’t stop killing” admits Harry

by philapilus
English: Prince William of Wales & Prince Henr...

William is said to be so frightened that he will only travel with Harry in an open-topped vehicle, so that everyone can see exactly what his brother is doing

Prince Harry surprised journalists yesterday when he revealed openly that he has killed people. The prince was interviewed after his most recent tour in Afghanistan as a helicopter commander, when he dropped the bombshell – presumably literally.

“I have always felt that, prince or no, I have a job to do,” said Prince Harry, “and that job inevitably involves killing people. But more than that, it’s something that I feel I need to do, something to which I have been called, you might say.”

He went on “And some of those killings were made in my official capacity as a member of the armed forces. Granted, not the majority of them, but a fair few, all the same.”

The prince, who is also known as ‘Captain Wales’, ‘Herr Nazi Kommandant’, and ‘That idiot who was

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June 4, 2012

Joey Barton “royally beaten-up”

by philapilus
English: Prince Harry at a 2009 charity match ...

Overpaid thug sportsman in fight

It has emerged that the two men who last night assaulted profoundly unpleasant professional ball-thug, Joey Barton, were none other than Princes William and Harry.

Barton had gone out to what passes for a nightclub in Liverpool, and became embroiled in an altercation in the early hours of the morning. Officers were called to the scene, and it was initially reported that Barton’s two assailants had been arrested.

But Merseyside Police this morning confirmed rumors that the men were in fact spirited away in a black limousine with full armed escort. Apparently whilst laughing and making wanker gestures out of the window.

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March 12, 2012

“I was completely off my tits” says Prince

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

"This is rally good shit, homies"

An aide to Prince Harry has issued an important correction to all the newspaper stories which reported that the Prince had been ‘choked up’ on his recent Commonwealth tour.

Apparently Harry had actually admitted to being ‘coked up’, but due to an over-reliance on Microsoft spellcheck – stemming from piss-poor education – virtually every Fleet Street Royal Correspondent had managed to misrepresent the Prince.

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