Posts tagged ‘Prince Charles’

May 20, 2015

Prince Charles and Gerry Adams in suspected ‘bodyswap’

by philapilus

“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about

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May 14, 2015

“DEATH TO DEPP’S DOGS!!” screams Australian Minister

by philapilus

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and

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May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

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November 18, 2013

‘Let them watch vegetables’, says Camilla

by philapilus

Camilla and Charles are both very green in their outlook

The Duchess of Cornwall yesterday showed how in touch and hip the Royal family are, when she called for youngsters to “Put away their iPods and their Youtube, go and sit in the garden and watch some vegetables grow.”

The Duchess, who is the wife of Prince Charles (and will therefore be our future queen for seven days in 2029, until Charles keels over and dies a week after being crowned) exhorted kids to “Go and stare at vegetables, just like your peasant ancestors in the good old days.

“Being married to a man who talks to trees, and being the daughter-in-law of Prince Philip, has given me ample opportunity to relish the slow, gentle pace of vegetable-watching.

“If more of

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September 13, 2013

“We wouldn’t date you bastards either” say Blobfish

by philapilus
English: A dominant male proboscis monkey at t...

“I wouldn’t kiss Richard Littlejohn to save the fucking rainforests”

After being named the planet’s ugliest creature in a competition to pick a mascot for the Ugly Animal Preservation Society, blobfish said today that, as far as they were concerned, humans weren’t all that either.

Spokesfish Bob Flish said “Speaking on behalf of the various species that you hairless monkeys have taken it upon yourselves to call ugly, I’d like to say that, collectively, the entire animal kingdom would rather go extinct than on a date with Bruce Forsyth.

“I mean you’ve got some fucking nerve, haven’t you? Look at Esther Rantzen, Anne Diamond, David

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July 9, 2013

Prince Charles’s letters can’t be seen in case they say what they say

by philapilus
English: His Royal Highness Prince Charles, Du...

Any fool could tell he’s a rampant commie

Three high court judges have ruled that letters in which Prince Charles tried to sway government policy should not be seen by the public, in case he tried to sway government policy.

Which he did.

The judges said that attorney general Dominic Grieve had done the right thing in vetoing publication of the ‘black spider memos’, which as they showed the prince doing something wrong, might make people think he had done something wrong.

Rejecting a

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May 8, 2013

Queen to reinstate capital punishment

by philapilus

  

English: Whipping post and stocks Historic pun...

Finally there will be a reason to buy the crappy out-of-date fruit that the cornershop sells

Her Majesty the Queen is expected to outline a number of socially regressive laws in her speech today, including the reintroduction of capital punishment, the placing of debtors in stocks to be pelted with rotten fruit, and a referendum on the EU.

Riding the tide of current royal popularity, after the jubilee and royal wedding, she will say that “We have long been minded to turn the clock back, and now we are bloody well going to do it.

“Our country is filled with oiks and upstarts, and, as Blur said, modern life is rubbish. So we intend to

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January 29, 2013

Queen Beatrix’s abdication causes rift in UK Royal Family

by philapilus
English: portrait of HRH Prince Charles Prince...

“I’ll probably be king bythe time you’ve developed the negative!” Charles told the photographer. That was in 1923.

The news that the Queen of the Netherlands is abdicating in favour of her son has furthered tensions between Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth II.

A Buckingham Palace source revealed that upon reading the newspapers at breakfast yesterday morning, the Queen rolled her eyes, and said “Oh, here we go…”

Moments later the Master of the Queen’s Mobile informed Her Majesty that her eldest son was on the line in a hysterical state, alternately shouting and weeping.

The Queen took the phone, and immediately had to hold it at arm’s length whilst Charles

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June 4, 2012

Joey Barton “royally beaten-up”

by philapilus
English: Prince Harry at a 2009 charity match ...

Overpaid thug sportsman in fight

It has emerged that the two men who last night assaulted profoundly unpleasant professional ball-thug, Joey Barton, were none other than Princes William and Harry.

Barton had gone out to what passes for a nightclub in Liverpool, and became embroiled in an altercation in the early hours of the morning. Officers were called to the scene, and it was initially reported that Barton’s two assailants had been arrested.

But Merseyside Police this morning confirmed rumors that the men were in fact spirited away in a black limousine with full armed escort. Apparently whilst laughing and making wanker gestures out of the window.

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February 17, 2012

Burnley reeling from being ‘liked’ by Prince shock

by unpseudable

This man also 'likes' Michael Winner, Peter Stringfellow and Oliver Letwin. "One is just trying to be helpful"

After decades of speculation, Prince Charles has finally revealed the football team he despises most in the country: Burnley FC.

In a statement the Prince veiled his ire by feigning appreciation for the team. However sources close to the Prince suggest that this is all a subtle ploy to ruin their chances of promotion. “The Prince keeps a close eye on football, but the team he follows most closely is Burnley. He hates them. I mean, really hates them. Nobody quite knows why. So, when he saw they had a chance of moving into the playoffs, maybe even getting promoted, he knew he had to make his move. So, yes, he said he liked them. He didn’t mean it.”

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