Posts tagged ‘Prime Minister’

July 13, 2016

Cameron visits palace for official resignation

by philapilus

“Doo doodoo …that’s what you’re all in now!”

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right

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June 19, 2014

Shock as conservative paper suggests Cameron is better than Miliband

by philapilus

“Even the alphabet is against him, with these ethereal floating letters standing for ‘Conservatives’ll beat ‘im’!” said the Times newspaper

The world of politics was rocked to its very core this morning, after the right-leaning Times newspaper announced that they reckoned the left-leaning leader of the Labour party wouldn’t cut it as Prime Minister.

The Times said that research indicated 53% of people thought ‘Red Ed’ was “a huge twat”, with a further 11% reckoning him to be “a big gaylord”.

Only 23% of people said they would vote for Miliband, according to the Times’ surveys, although the paper stresses “All of those 23% had mental health problems.”

A Times spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “The

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November 11, 2013

English language ‘now finally broken beyond repair’ after John Major’s killing stroke

by philapilus
former British PM John Major in the Terme Hote...

krrsneezlwidgetwanker?

The long-suffering English language was rendered asunder this morning with an audible ‘pop’, after former tory prime minister Sir John Major accidentally stretched logic and truth beyond the point of no return.

In what only a severely brain-damaged rabbit could call a shrewd observation, Major suggested that a private school-educated elite had a stranglehold on public office and the running of the country.

But, unfortunately for meaning and semiotic consistency with reality, Major followed this up by suggesting that the highly-privileged elite  – which includes, for instance, the entire Conservative cabinet – was somehow

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July 1, 2013

Cameron ‘powerless’ to cancel deliveries of caviar

by philapilus

1/07/2013

English: Gold bars created by Agnico-Eagle

“Would you like a cherry on top of that, sir?”

It has emerged today that the prime minister is unable to prevent the recommendations of the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority that MPs “Should help themselves to basically anything they want.”

Ipsa, which was set up in the aftermath of the expenses scandal, says that the only way to stop MPs stealing public money, is to give them a whopping 15% pay-hike, taking a backbencher’s salary to nearly £75k.

David Cameron has strongly criticised the rise in salaries, on the grounds that he had been hoping the public might forget just what greedy shits MPs are.

He is expected to

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June 25, 2013

Julia Gillard pilloried for not knitting giant middle finger

by philapilus
Koalas australia zoo

No worries, the Australian parliament will debate the pictures in tomorrow’s session, if they aren’t all full as googs.

25/06/2013

Australian prime minister Julia Gillard has been the subject of intense scorn this week, after a photoshoot in which she sat in an armchair knitting a kangaroo for the child of William and Kate.

National media attacked her cliched feminine pose and passively pro-Royal stance. But most of all Australians were furious that she was not photographed drunkenly knitting a large middle finger emblazoned with ‘Fuck you, England’.

Opposition leader Tony Abbott put down his lager, swayed disconcertingly, and said

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June 10, 2013

Cameron explains concept of Intelligence agencies to bewildered public

by philapilus
22 Ebury Street, SW1

If only someone could think of a way to make the concept of a secret service intelligible to the masses

The prime minister gave a press conference today, in which he explained to the British people what the so-called ‘Secret Services’ are, to try and quell public anxieties about infringement of civil liberties.

Mr Cameron said “I appreciate some of you are wondering why these people are employed to do stuff that they then don’t tell you about.

“I can also see why it might be a bit unsettling to feel like the government is keeping some sort of, what’s the word? Some sort of ‘tab’ on certain people.

“But actually, some of the

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March 7, 2013

Fun-loving Italians are still laughing

by philapilus
Italiano: Silvio Berlusconi in Giappone.

To be fair, it is fucking hilarious

Italy has reasserted its image as the happy-go-lucky, carefree man of Europe this morning, showing that despite its massive economic and political bankruptcy, it can still lark about with the best of them.

The judiciary (which in any other country would just be a bunch of stuffy old killjoys), made a fantastic joke that had people rolling in the piazzas all over the country, when they announced they were sentencing Berlusconi to one year in jail.

Minister for Humour, Mario Fratelli, said “Mamma mia! What a

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October 17, 2012

Downing Street plays down catfight

by philapilus
English: Fighting Cats

We’ve restaged the action using animals. No politicians’ wives were hurt in this re-enactment.

A late night catfight between the residents of Number 10 and Number 11 Downing Street has caused the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer some embarrassment this morning.

Both Mr Cameon and Mr Osborne were keen to play down the incident, which was captured in a photo and displayed on twitter.

Samantha Cameron and Frances Victoria Osborne apparently bumped into one another outside, whilst taking out the recycling, and after some angry words, the ongoing feud between the two women erupted into a no-holds-barred catfight.

A witness said “Sam came out and was like taking the piss out of how George was booed, right, at the Olympics innit? And Frances was all like, ‘shut yer face, cow’ and Sam was like ‘Make me, you slag’ and then they was at it for real, like hair-pulling and ripping clothes and proper having it out.”

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