Posts tagged ‘President of the United States’

March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.


“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

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June 20, 2013

Breaking News: Osborne to launch singing career

by philapilus
BBC TV The Black & White Minstrel Show

George has enlisted the help of fellow MPs Grant Shapps and Jeremy Hunt, along with four tea-ladies/dominatrixes from Tory HQ


After President Obama repeatedly confused George Osborne with R&B-singer Jeffrey Osborne in a G8 speech, the chancellor has announced his intention to enter the music industry.

An anonymous aide said “The chancellor was so mortified with embarrasment, he couldn’t even correct the US president, which  means the only course of action open to him now is to do his best to become a successful black soul artist.”

David Cameron said “I’m confident George will

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November 7, 2012

Romney to be dismantled for scrap

by philapilus
The Terminator.

The main problem with Mitt was that he didn’t look very nice, and kept threatening to destroy humanity

Following the US election victory of incumbent president Barack Obama, the Republican party has announced its intention to break down Mitt Romney, salvaging the best bits and chucking the rest onto a bonfire.

The Romney-bot model had faced criticism for being too lifeless, and its inability to imitate humans accurately has largely been blamed by the GoP for the Democrat victory.

President Obama said in his victory speech “Romney was quite well manufactured, if a little stiff in his movements, and it was a hard-fought, close-run contest. But as it turned out, just about enough American people actually wanted the country to be run by a human being.”

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