Posts tagged ‘polly toynbee’

January 18, 2018

£44m for Calais ‘fair and reasonable’ says Daily Mail

by philapilus

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden” was the headline the Mail ran with

The Daily Mail has expressed its support for the UK’s decision to accept more migrants from Calais and give the city £44m to beef up border controls.

In a comment-piece this morning, usually cantankerous thought-spewer Richard Littlejohn said “This seems eminently fair. Why shouldn’t we help those wanting to benefit from being a part of our country, when they

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October 2, 2013

Why Cameron’s cronies get the loaf, and the poor have crusts, by Polly Toynbee

by philapilus
David Cameron

‘I am guessing this uniformed man is the head of his fascist secret service, who go round supermarkets secretly re-pricing food until the poor can no longer afford it’

If ever we needed evidence that the Conservatives were out of touch, it came this week, when the Prime Minister admitted he didn’t know the price of a loaf of bread.

Unlike ordinary decent folk – like me – who do know the price (it’s 47p, and I didn’t just read that on the BBC website, I definitely already knew it), Cameron is living in Lala land.

Once again he seems to be inviting heavyweight, brilliant intellectuals – like me – to vent our spleens and make laboured, hamfisted, alliterative puns about how the crumbs and crusts the poor are living on are nothing compared to Cameron’s Cotswold Crunch.

In other words to make complete pretentious twats of ourselves.

Well, I’m not falling for it. I’m going to

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August 16, 2013

Happiness “not guaranteed” by sitting alone watching others have fun

by philapilus
British journalist and writer Polly Toynbee, p...

Polly discovered via a friend’s status that everyone had been invited to the party except her.

A groundbreaking article published by the Public Library of Science has suggested, for the first time, that sitting at your computer staring at pictures of other people having more fun than you, might not be the path to true inner peace and well-being.

The study into the correlation between social networking and existential despond was conducted by Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Who Gives A Toss.

McEyebrau said “What we have found is that if you take an average person, make them stare for hours at pictures of their friends having a good time at some event or other to which the subject has not been invited, whilst playing Eric Carmen’s ‘All by Myself’ on a loop in the background, then the subject will often experience what we social scientists call ‘unhappiness’.”

Polly Toynbee, the Guardian’s resident

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July 24, 2013

Royal baby’s name – speculation

by philapilus
Prince Harry helps promote Britain at New York...

“Yah, my money’s on ‘William Junior’; Kate’s always been in need of a little extra Willy…*SNORT SNORT*”

As the entire world ponders over what William and Kate are going to name their baby – and in the absence of any actual information – we’re spinelessly copying every other mighty news organ, and bringing you some of the meaningless speculations of people you’ve heard of. And pretending that it’s

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July 19, 2013

Men at barbecues “Worse than the SS”

by philapilus
Some chicken, pork and corn in the barbeque

‘Innocent meal, or an excuse to wave your cock at people?’

New research published in the Guardian, Britain’s leading paper for self-flagellants, suggests that men who cook at barbecues are on the verge of unleashing a new Shoah.

In an article published today, columnist Mike Ock explains how the grilling of meat turns men into rabid sexists and fascist rapist-murderers, because of something to do with their penises.

“Men who cook steaks over charcoal, are participating in an orgiastic indulgence of phallocentricity.” said Ock.

“Even the

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April 9, 2013

What they’re saying about: Margaret Thatcher

by philapilus


English: division symbol (÷), Times New Roman ...

If I hear it one more time I am going to fucking twat someone

In another of our TMB special features where we rip off other people rather than do any research ourselves, here’s a round-up of what other news outlets have been saying:

The legacy of former prime minister, Margaret Thatcher who died yesterday, is now more than ever the subject of intense scrutiny and analysis, with wildly differing accounts from across the board.

The Guardian said

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October 8, 2012

“Osborne, Mansion Tax, and the sodomisation of the working class”

by philapilus
George Osborne at Conservative Spring Forum 20...

“Open wide and say ‘Aaaaaahhh’, for Satan”

Guest-reporter Polly Toynbee gives an eyewitness report from the 2012 Conservative Party conference.

George Osborne made a show-stopping appearance at the Tory conference today, when he appeared on stage dressed as a Satan-worshipping rockstar.

The chancellor, who is well known for his complete lack of presentation skills and personality, had pulled out all the stops for the event.

Fencing champion and art historian Ken Clarke, who was sitting in the front row, gave me a first-hand account of the atmosphere in ‘the snakepit’.

“Osborne’s speech was announced, and we all looked around, waiting for the be-suited little turd to walk up to the podium.

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August 23, 2012

Prince’s arse unveiled as new stamp

by philapilus
English: Prince Harry at a 2009 charity match ...

This picture shows Harry’s hairy arse superimposed on top of a polo shirt, to make it funny to Daily Mail readers.

The unending diarrhoeic stream of shit written about the posh idiot who was photographed with his clothes off*, has given rise to a media feeding frenzy, which hacks and Royal Correspondents alike are calling “A Perfect Arse-storm”.

The third in line to the British throne (you know, the one not genetically related to Charles in any way) caused controversy – again – when pictures of him cavorting without his clothes on in LA surfaced earlier this week.

And then, within about five minutes, were seen by everyone in the world.

The Royal Family icily confirmed that the pictures were indeed of the prince, and called upon the British press to respect their privacy and not to publish the images.

The entire media industry responded by laughing themselves so silly they pissed in their pants, and then sent back a joint memo saying “That was a cracker! Tell it again?”

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April 27, 2012

“Please please me like you used to” say Egyptian female corpses

by philapilus
Mummy of Queen Ahmose Inhapy

Phwooaarrrrr! Be honest; who wouldn't hit that?!

Egypt may be on the cusp of passing a revolutionary piece of legislation, dealing with a thorny area of morality no government has yet dared contemplate.

As the twentieth and twenty-first centuries have brought the world ever closer to full-scale zombie apocalypse, all kinds of new codes of ethics have had to be considered: when is it ok to shoot a toddler in the face? How many times do you have to repeat your father’s name with tears in your eyes before you decapitate him with your ornamental coal-shovel? When you flee the city, is it ever ok to leave behind your annoying son, the one you pretend to love as much as your daughter, (but who really just pisses you off, and drove you to have a vasectomy)?

But so far only Egypt has tried to develop a humane, enlightened policy to consider how Z-day will affect the issue of that strongest demonstration of love and affection; sex.

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April 10, 2012

Pirate-terrorist Abu Hamza “Might not like” neverending incarceration

by philapilus
Captain Hook

Imagine; “Aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh me shipmates…”, but in a trying-to-blow-the-shit-out-of-people-who-aren’t-religious-maniacs sort of way.

One-eyed, one-handed terrorist suspect Abu Hamza – who is, to be fair, a bastard so apparently it’s ok to laugh – will find out later whether or not he is going to be extradited to the US, where he may face lifelong incarceration under incredibly harsh conditions.

Hamza and five other men are fighting extradition on the grounds that, actually, they’d prefer not to live in so-called ‘Supermax’ prisons, which, despite their upbeat moniker, are not places of joy and high-octane excitement.

“The issue,” said Human Rights lawyer Penelope Pitstopovic, “is that whilst extradition is totally fine for potentially innocent people, (provided of course that no one is ever, ever extradited from the USA, obviously), convicted hate-criminals and massive arseholes like Hamza might have a bit of a shit time in big nasty prisons. And that would be bad. Sad face. See?”

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