Posts tagged ‘Philip Hammond’

November 23, 2016

Budget reveals surprising lack of cash

by philapilus



We never really thought we’d actually miss him, but…

Philip Hammond’s first budget statement raised consternation today, after he was forced to admit that there didn’t seem to be a lot of money about.

The new chancellor addressed the House, saying “Mr Speaker, um, I’m not sure whether this will go down very well, but here goes anyway.

“Look, I really hope no one’s going to give me a ribbing over this, but it seems

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March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

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July 3, 2013

Britain to field pub-based sociopaths as new army

by philapilus
Oldbury Road, Smethwick - England and UK flags

“They’re not exactly hard to find, either”


Defence Secretary Philip Hammond is introducing bold new measures, which will see Britain’s professional armed forces gradually replaced with a much cheaper assortment of frequently-inebriated Territorial Army nutters.

Mr Hammond, taking a break from his Top Gear presenting duties, said today “You know those really aggressive guys from the pub? The ones who sit at the bar wearing combat trousers and a Union Jack vest, frightening the barmaids, and aggressively threatening new customers?

“I thought it would be brilliant if, instead of fielding elite, highly-trained soldiers, we just rounded up a bunch of unhinged TA reservists, handed them each a can of K cider and a broken bottle, and let them loose on any country that pisses us off.”

The Territorial Army was

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May 14, 2013

Cameron “Absolutely delighted” by Tory infighting

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

“It’s going really well. Definitely.”

Downing Street issued a statement this morning saying that the prime minister was “very happy” with his party’s current self-combustion over Europe, and considers it a sign that the debate is “very healthy and not-at-all castatrophically fuckwittedly disastrous for us”.

Many Eurosceptic Conservatives were enraged by the ommission of any reference to an EU referendum in the Queen’s Speech, and have proposed an amendment in Wednesday’s debate on the speech, along the lines of “Sodding well grow some bollocks, Dave”.

But Cameron has played down

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January 19, 2012

Britain’s “stone-age” espionage technology

by philapilus
English: Elisabeth de Meuron, commonly known a...

Britain may be only a few years away from sophisticated listening devices like this

Only a couple of weeks after the furore over allegations that the US is spying on the Chinese spacelab Tiangong-1, a new espionage controversy is set to rock international relations.

The current antagonism involves Russia and Britain, and is depressingly awful. Former aide to Tony Blair, Jonathan Powell, admitted in a BBC programme that British espionage was now so irredeemably shit that the best they could manage was a hollow plastic rock with a box brownie and a dictaphone inside.

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