Posts tagged ‘Osborne’

March 14, 2016

Osborne: “£4bn is nothing; I spend more on Pringles”

by philapilus

“It’s quite simple: if I take your money away, then the country is richer, which means you are better off”

George Osborne has defended yet further planned cuts to public spending, insisting that “£4bn is a tiny amount. That’s less than I spend a year on crisps. Seriously, I could shit more than that.”

The extra cuts will be announced in the chancellor’s 8th budget this Wednesday, and will be, says the chancellor “so insignificant that anyone who complains is obviously just a moany bum-sniffer.”

Critics have

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June 27, 2013

Osborne “Not a commoner” say experts

by philapilus
English: McDonald's Shogun Burger with Egg

He also prefers champagne to Tesco’s budget lemonade. It’s shocking.


Picture analysts say they have unearthed compelling evidence that the chancellor of the exchequer might actually be a bit posh, and not a cheeky Eastenders-type character, as was previously assumed to be the case.

George Gideon Oliver Osborne, heir apparent to the Osborne baronetcy, posted an image of himself eating a burger on Twitter, the night before his Spending Review speech.

This received a storm of frenzied acclamation, with 98% of the UK populace believing the picture showed that he’s ‘Definitely One of Us’.

But forensic photography experts have

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April 5, 2013

Osborne: “Only poor people commit murder”

by philapilus
George Osborne 0482am

“Grabbing you by the head, the benefits claimant will then break your neck with one quick twist”

George Osborne has this week outlined an intriguing new theory linking poverty to crime, a claim he explains is substantiated by the horrific Philpott tragedy.

Using the extremely media-provocative case of utter cunt Mick Philpott, who killed his own children, Osborne explained that “It doesn’t take Colombo to notice that the obvious prime causal factor in this vagabond’s brutal slaying of his children was that he was a benefits claimant.”

Speaking during a brewery tour, in

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March 20, 2013

Chancellor’s budget surprise

by philapilus
English: A slice of Strawberry Cheesecake from...

The economy might be utterly screwed, but cheesecake is delicious

George Osborne surprised Whitehall this afternoon with what pundits are calling his most unusual budget speech yet.

The chancellor had been expected to outline a series of cuts for government departments, describe a gloomy economic forecast, and once again offer no hope whatsoever except that alcohol will continue to be just about affordable enough for Britons to drown their sorrows.

But, breaking with tradition, Osborne stepped up to the dispatch box and instead of laying out the budget documents, opened a Patisserie Valerie package, revealing a

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December 6, 2012

Balls and Osborne in ‘Out-twatting’ draw

by philapilus
Ed Balls

not to be out-twatted…

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne and shadow chancellor Ed Balls finished neck-and-neck in yesterday’s smackdown battle for the coveted ‘total twat’ title.

‘Twatting’, or ‘Out-twatting’ as it is also sometimes known, has a long history within the hallowed halls of Westminster, and is central to parliamentary democratic debate.

According to time-honoured tradition, the process begins when, after having accused one another of doing exactly the same thing, a government minister and his or her opposite number, take turns at the dispatch box to call one another ‘twat’ as many

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October 19, 2012

Osborne pilots new economic plan

by philapilus
English: Virgin Trains Mk3 FO at Euston

“It would be better still if there were some way of making trains cheaper, and having some sort of nationwide network that made transport authorities accountable to government. I don’t even know what you would call that though; some sort of nationy industry-ey kind of thing.”

Champion of the People George Osborne today took advantage of his commuter journey to draw attention to a new government policy for stimulating the economy.

Given the failings of the coalition’s austerity regime, the Chancellor of the Exchequer decided that a new tactic was needed to complement the cuts in public spending. His new policy has been called ‘the not-paying-for-things initiative’.

Mr Osborne boarded a First Class carriage on a Virgin train, despite having only a standard class ticket, a practise which he is hoping will be rolled out across the country in the coming months. Upon arrival at Euston station he was delighted to see assembled members of the press, and spoke up about the plans.

“What I am hoping to show today,” Mr Osborne told reporters “Is that if we all just stop paying for stuff, then we’ll have more money. I was chatting to all those boffins in the treasury, and they kept presenting me with all these complex plans and options, which frankly were impossible to understand. They were just making me feel stressed and worried.

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June 11, 2012

Osborne at Leveson: “I am not a cock”

by philapilus
English: Foreign secretary William Hague and C...

Osborne has been struggling to make his own mark, since being removed from his conjoined twin, William Hague.

George Osborne has angrily defended his decision to put forward Andy Coulson as the communications adviser to the Conservative party, at the Leveson Inquiry today.

“Of course Coulson’s background in News International was not relevant!” snapped the shiny-faced chancellor.

“To the best of my recollection, there just weren’t any other people around who could have been given the job, or who wanted it. There was literally no one else.”

When asked why he had taken Coulson for a drink and friendly chat before recommending him, Osborne said “I just wanted to ask Coulson if he was a conservative, because obviously we wanted a conservative, and I wanted to make sure he was someone who had a newspaper background and who understood the workings of the press, and who had good connections with News Intern- I mean with the international news scene.”

“Of course we had to have a private drink! You can’t just interview people! The papers would have got hold of it, and there would have been all kinds of speculation and accusations. As it was, I thought we should keep it quiet. Um…”

He reddenned slightly, but then snorted and added, “His background at News International had nothing to do with it! I didn’t even take that into account! I hadn’t even realised he worked there, to be honest. Or if I had then I didn’t think it was important.”

When asked what the nature of his conversation about Coulson with Rebekah Brooks had been, Osborne said “Look, there was nothing remotely improper! I hadn’t realised she worked for News International, and if I had it didn’t matter, and it made no difference, and anyway, I was just asking her about his abilities! You know, where his skillset lay, how good were his connections with News Int- with news that sort of takes place around the world, globally – internationally one might say.”

Asked about his friendships with journalists working for News International, Mr Osborne said “Look, this is all being blown out of proportion! I didn’t cultivate a friendship with Brooks or Coulson just because they worked for News International! My friendships with them are no more politically motivated than my friendships with any other Conservative journalists or News International employees !”

“It just so happens that I have friends who do these sorts of jobs. It’s a coincidence. I think I probably met them in the totally ordinary humdrum run-of-the-mill of daily life. Queuing for stamps in the Post Office. Or maybe it was complaining about an over-sized sweater at Primark. It was entirely unrelated to the jobs and political opinions we have.”

Asked to give a summation, Osborne said “Look, you would have to be an utter fuckwit to think that you could hire someone from the bosom of News International to bolster the support News International would give to your party, and that no one would notice, and that you would get away with it. I mean, we are talking about the sort of total incompetent cock who might come up with, I don’t know, policies about taxing hot food, or capping tax relief on charitable donations – but crucially who wouldn’t then back down in the face of public pressure.”

He smiled smugly “The kind of incompetent cock which obviously I am NOT because I DID back down in the face of public pressure. So there.”