Posts tagged ‘One Direction’

May 8, 2016

Harry Styles holds aloft scalp of vanquished foe

by philapilus

yes, but who did he kill?

One Direction band member Harry Styles has posted a photo showing him holding a bundle of hair, attached to which is a blood-dripping human scalp.

The singer’s post has been greeted with a wave of frenzied speculation as, enigmatically, Styles did not indicate from whom the gory keepsake had been taken.

Uberfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “At first we thought Harry might have shorn his own lovely locks and got a bit

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August 21, 2013

Birth of the Antichrist may be imminent

by philapilus
English: Satan as Antichrist

Strangely no one has ever really commented upon Cowell’s unusual means of transport to and from the TV studios

The Catholic Church warned this morning that there is a very real possibility that the Antichrist will soon be upon us.

Father Mario Carrta, of the Holy Church’s Committee for Debating the End of the World, said “The Holy Book tells us that in the End Times a beast will arise; noxious and perfidious beyond all imagination.

“And it will sire a son, who, through no fault of his own, will be the antithesis of all that is holy.

“It was thus with great horror and trepidation that the Committee discovered in the paper this morning that Simon Cowell will

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March 12, 2013

Britain’s dangerous build-up of excess wax

by unpseudable

Oh shit! There are five of them?

News has emerged this week that Britain is currently sitting on a dangerously vast mountain of excess wax, primed to be used to create likenesses of vacuous, even noxious, celebrities.

This problem has been growing for some time, but reached a head yesterday as wax likenesses of the famously pointless boyband One Direction were produced for Madame Tussauds. Many are now considering this as dangerous a situation as the emergence of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

Chief Medical Officer, Dame Sally Davies hastily issued a statement. “The issue really is that one version of utterly mindless dicks is probably enough of a threat to society. The non-wax versions are quite enough to remind us of the the depths to which the human race can plummet.

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February 17, 2013

Bored Cameron quits politics for pop

by philapilus
Cameron speaking in 2010.

“I’m keen to bring ‘Jazz Hands’ back into the hit parade’s music videos. What do you think?”

It has emerged today that the prime minister has finally succumbed to the stresses of leading an unpopular coalition government and will resign from his position, in order to pursue his first love; making bland anodyne pop music.

No 10 announced that Cameron had been feeling for weeks that he “Wasn’t up to the job” and that like the Pope, he was “Keen to get out there and do some living before it’s too late.”

Ken Clarke, art historian and fencing champion, said “The prime minister’s first idea was getting Paul and Ringo to reform the Beatles, with him playing the John Lennon parts. But that screaming diva McCartney went into an apoplectic fit at the mere mention of John’s name, so Dave hung up and

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