Posts tagged ‘Olympics’

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

read more »

February 6, 2014

Sochi Olympics handy dos and don’ts guide!

by unpseudable

Ahead of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, TMB has exclusively acquired the visitors’ guide for olympians and spectators alike on their exciting visit to Russia’s Black Sea port.

Sochi is definitely ready to welcome you!

On arrival in Sochi you will probably want to get straight to your hotel and have a rest, being weary after your long travels. Firstly we recommend that you confirm your hotel has been built. Don’t worry – chances are it will have been! Some may still require a few cosmetic finishing touches of course, but once the floor’s put in everything will be fine. If you are one of those lucky enough to be booked into an actual complete hotel, your Sochi adventures can begin!

You may want

read more »

August 9, 2012

“Cripples don’t deserve special stamps”: Royal Mail

by articulatedsheep

In a stinging attack on its critics, the Royal Mail has unexpectedly hit back with a robust defence of its decision not to commemorate forthcoming Paralympic gold medallists with their own stamps.

All Olympic winners, such as Chris Hoy, Victoria Pendleton, Bradley Wiggins and even scrounging Somali asylum seeker Mo Farah, are being featured individually on stamps to be issued later this year.

However, Royal Mail plans only plans to issue two stamps to, as it puts it, “collectively honour all the retards competing in the Spazz-lympics, or whatever it’s called”.

read more »

August 6, 2012

Olympic confusion as double-booked events cause turmoil

by philapilus
English: Usain Bolt at the World Championship ...

Shock victory for this man, whoever he is

Usain Bolt’s outstanding win in the men’s 100m final last night diverted attention from a potentially embarassing moment for the London 2012 organisers.

Despite the high profile nature of the men’s race, which some see as the highpoint of the whole Olympic enterprise, it transpired that the slot allocated for the event had somehow been triple-booked.

Split-seconds before the race began, an athlete from the ‘Throwing a plastic bottle quite far whilst shouting’ event had launched what might have been a medal-winning throw, had anyone been paying any attention to it.

read more »

July 30, 2012

Bottom-feeding Brits “can’t do sport for shit”, say morons

by articulatedsheep

According to a report released today by Britain’s morons, Great Britain’s failure to win 8,000 gold medals by the end of day three of the Olympic Games is a “colossal failure” that can only be partially remedied by the so-called athletes involved being put to death.

Don’t know what you’re looking so happy about, you only came twelfth

Britain currently languishes in 20th place in the medals table, clearly demonstrating that all the British people who have been spending their entire lives to constantly train enough to even compete at this echelon of international elite sport have basically been wasting their time.

“Tom Daley? Shit Daley, more like”, said Roger Twat, who speaks with the authority of a man awarded a 25 metre swimming badge in 1976. “Call that diving? He ought to be ashamed of himself.”

read more »

April 29, 2012

Missile batteries: advice to householders

by articulatedsheep


As a resident of the Clement Attlee Estate, Bermondsey, you will from 2 May be sharing your immediate environment with a battery of 58 X-750 “Megadeath” Rapier missiles, being installed as part of the Olympic Games preparations by the Ministry of Defence.

We know that this exciting event will have prompted many questions in your mind, so we’re distributing this flimsy leaflet to try to allay any concerns you might have.

read more »

March 21, 2012

Olympics “totally not about making money”

by philapilus
Cropped transparent version of Image:Olympic f...

These five rings represent the amount of zeros automatically added to the cost of anything once it has been tenuously linked to the Olympics

Relief flooded the hearts and minds of Britain’s Olympic-loving population today as it was confirmed by the Minister for Hulture, Media and Sport, the Rt.Hon. Jeremy Cunt, that the Olympics was far beyond the petty, squalid realms of money.

The Ron Jeremy Cunt’s soothing words came after a row blew up yesterday over the decision of the Games Organiser, Locog, to charge torchbearers £200 to be allowed to keep their torches.

read more »