Posts tagged ‘Olympic’

August 14, 2013

Putin “straightest man alive”

by philapilus
English: TOKYO. President Putin on a tatami at...

No one else is anywhere near as good at tugging other men about and holding them down

Vladimir Putin reaffirmed yesterday that he is, and has always been, “A massive, massive pussyhound, with no gay feelings whatsoever.”.

Putin was speaking at a press conference in defence of Russia’s anti-gay ‘propaganda’ laws, after protestors around the world called for the Winter Olympics to be held in a country where gay people don’t get the shit kicked out of them with the approval of the state.

Surrounded by large, burly secret service men with big weapons in their pockets, Putin was forthright in blaming homosexuality for unemployment, Russia’s economic backwardness, and rainclouds.

“Let not us forget is called Mother Russia, a woman, and as most heterosexual of all Russian man I like only

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November 27, 2012

Boris tipped to win Sports Personality of the year

by philapilus
English: Mayor of London, Boris Johnson poses ...

His achievements have been called “Impossible to measure”

In what is widely considered to be the bestest ever year for UK sport, bookies have chosen their favourite from the rather long shortlist for the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award .

Boris Johnson, who has managed to become King-in-waiting from spectacularly doing nothing at all, has emerged as the top tip to win the coveted accolade.

A spokesman for the panel of shortlist selectors said “Whilst a lot of these people – Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah, Bradley Wiggins etc – have all done quite well in various running-jumping-exercisey sort of things, one name sticks out as being responsible for every good thing that has happened in Britain this year; Boris.

“Look at the way he

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August 30, 2012

“We all know wheelchair jousting would be bloody hilarious” says Mayor of London

by philapilus

A discombobulated mayor; Johnson discovered this morning to his horror that the Paralympic Games were not going to be anything like Robot Wars, and furthermore that he still has to attend.

Boris Johnson has today qualified his remarks about Paralympic basketball, in a statement which has only added to the ire of campaigners for disability awareness.

Johnson had previously said that basketball in wheelchairs was “So much better than the usual, you know, the other – the, oh what’s it called, you know the able-bodied sort. The main thing, or one of the main things, that makes the Paralympics one so good is how violent it all is, lots of bloody good smashing of metal on flesh, and cracking of bones. Good solid stuff. More like rugger. But with robots.”

But after receiving heavy criticism, the Mayor today attempted to play down the earlier comment, saying “Look here, the whole thing, um, the key thing, or one of the things that the Paralympics does is that – well, all these chaps are so brave, not just chaps, obviously not just chaps, but the, you know, the ladies as well. They are all terribly brave.

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August 28, 2012

G4S “absolutely delighted” with massive losses

by philapilus
English: Chelsea pensioners

The company boasts that its staff have collectively accumulated centuries of experience in the security business. Unfortunately there are only about ten of them though.

G4S, the company that failed to deliver enough security guards for the 2012 Olympic games, has proudly confirmed that it has made a loss of £50m over the contract, as well as having £700m wiped off the price of its shares.

In a statement today, Chief Executive Dick Fuckles said “Our accountant came in to the board meeting looking all mopey, so we thought it was going to be bad news. But then he said ‘I have to inform you all that the company is fifty million pounds in debit over this’. Well, fifty million! And everyone said we would do badly! Since when has making fifty million pounds been a bad thing? That’s more then twenty million pounds and nine million pounds added together! That’s loads of money!”

Fuckles went on “He kept saying ‘No, no, fifty million in the red, in the red which I can only assume means something to do with the colour of the banknotes. I’m going to use my bit of the fifty million to buy another new car, I think.”

Neil Smarm, a PR consultant retained by the company, said “Ok, let’s face it; G4S aren’t too good at the maths. Or the security provision. Yes, all right, so they didn’t get enough recruits for the Olympics, and yes they don’t understand figures or budgets or timescales, but hey; they’re really nice guys!”

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August 6, 2012

Olympic confusion as double-booked events cause turmoil

by philapilus
English: Usain Bolt at the World Championship ...

Shock victory for this man, whoever he is

Usain Bolt’s outstanding win in the men’s 100m final last night diverted attention from a potentially embarassing moment for the London 2012 organisers.

Despite the high profile nature of the men’s race, which some see as the highpoint of the whole Olympic enterprise, it transpired that the slot allocated for the event had somehow been triple-booked.

Split-seconds before the race began, an athlete from the ‘Throwing a plastic bottle quite far whilst shouting’ event had launched what might have been a medal-winning throw, had anyone been paying any attention to it.

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July 31, 2012

Furore over Chinese swimmer’s Gold medal

by philapilus
English: How to fold a paper fortune teller 12...

Training to be an official Olympic judge takes nearly a whole morning. It can even run on into the afternoon if you take breaks.

A bitter dispute has erupted between the American and Chinese teams, after Ye Shiwen’s extraordinary victory in the 400m medley.

Ye completed the race very quickly, which surprised the Americans who were hoping they might finish the race even more quickly, and therefore be the ones who could stand on top of the podium and have their song played.

“It’s not fair,” said US coach OJ Simpson, “everyone saw that that little Chin clearly had arms the size of Popeye’s, and everyone could see the outboard motor attached to her fanny. This was the most unnatural win since the steroid-taking tortoise beat the hare.

“The Olympics shouldn’t be about people being so chemically enhanced that they are unbeatable. They should be about US athletes, who never, ever, ever, ever cheat, beating the rest of the world into bloody submission.”

Ye’s coach, Chow Yun Fat, insisted however that her performance was entirely natural. “Ye won the race through nothing more than iron determination, a body honed from the womb through a strict regimen of enforced exercise, and the motivation of knowing that her family were suspended from ropes over a vat of acid during the race.

“Which was entirely coincidental. But these indulgent roundeyes think Chinese athletes cheat, just because we don’t stuff our faces with Burger King like they do.”

Doping allegations are a very serious matter at Olympic level, where even eating a Polo mint at any time during the fourteen months before an event is an automatic disqualification, and is punishable by removal of the hands and feet.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the newly-formed Slough Sixth Form College of Olympianerology said “Part of the issue is that races are so fast now that you can’t really tell who won anyway, even with all these computers and gadgets and shit.

“Generally the officials just pick the winner out of a hat, or make one of those origami paper fortune-teller thingies and write all the countries’ names on the flaps. Those are awesome. If I had learned how to make one of them I could be an Olympic judge by now.”

Norbert Spunkbrain, a decorator from Tunbridge Wells whose knowledge of sport is based on twenty years of reading the Sun, said “It’s  all stupid though isn’t it?. Why don’t they let everyone just take whatever they want? If they all take the best enhancement possible, then that cancels out the benefit of the drug. And gives us a level playing field.

“And then when our boys and girls are trounced by superior athletes who have spent their lives trying to be better than the seven other people from the entirety of humankind at the top of the sport, we can hang our heads in shame with pride, and know that we are proper, honest losers, not cheating ones.”



July 26, 2012

Sebastian Coe’s evil plan begins to unfold

by philapilus
English: 14 kiloton atomic explosion, from a 1...

Coe and Opening Ceremony organiser Danny Boyle have promised the London 2012 Olympics will “go off with a bang…”

Rumours abound this morning that yesterday’s supposedly accidental slight to the North Korean women’s football team, was actually an act of outright provocation.

North Korean players’ profiles were shown on video screens next to the South Korean flag, which led to a walk-off by the players, and a delay in the match by an hour. The Olympic organisers issued an apology to the North Koreans, and insisted it was an honest mistake.

But Mike Ock of BBC Sport said “I have been speaking to the technicians involved in producing the video display. What has begun to emerge is a very disturbing picture of intentional offence.

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July 23, 2012

“I had a nightmare, a terrible nightmare!”

by philapilus
DSC_6364 Sebastian Coe on big screen

The stuff of our worst nightmares

Britain woke up this morning from a terrible dream, walked to the bathoom where her lover Bobby Ewing was having a morning shower, and burst into tears, saying; “Oh it was awful! I had this terrible dream, that seemed to last for years and years and years!

“When I woke up I thought for a godawful minute that we had been stupid enough to host the 2012 Olympics here in London! I dreamt that in 2005 we won the Olympic bid, and that we spent seven years of gruelling misery getting ready for it.

“It seemed so real!”

Bobby held the UK tightly in his arms and said “It’s ok, it’s ok. What happened?”

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July 13, 2012

“M4 absolutely fine, probably” says Greening

by philapilus
This was blown up during civil unrest a few ye...

‘Actually I think that the HA has done a terrific job.’ said the Secretary of State for Transport

As the Boston Manor Viaduct reopens, after just three days of repairs by the Highways Agency, Transport Secretary Justine Greening called a press conference this morning to reassure road users.

“The reopening of the M4 over the viaduct showcases the excellent work of the Highways Agency. They have managed – under no external pressure from the government whatsoever – to repair the viaduct much faster than they had previously announced they would.

“I can assure all drivers that the road is now completely safe. The restrictions on any vehicle over 7.5 tons is a formality, and does not indicate the bridge might be unsafe. The same goes for the big yellow sign with warning lights, inviting overweight passengers to get out for a stroll, and to rejoin the vehicle in which they were travelling once they are past the completely successful repairs.”

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May 10, 2012

2012 Olympics proudly continues Third Reich tradition

by philapilus
The Nazi origins of the Olympic Flame relay wa...

Coe says “The 2012 Olympics logo looks really neat against a white circle on a long banner, don’t you think?”

With the lighting of the Olympic torch in Athens today, the depressingly long summer of sport-obsessed hysteria is officially under way.

Whilst women clad in white robes kindled the torch from sunlight – Greece no longer being able to afford matches – there was an audible ‘clunk’ as everyone switched off their higher brain functions.

Minds around the globe were retuned to Basic Operational Mode, and any word with more than three syllables was officially banned from use until the autumn.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, said “Well this is really brilliant. It was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods, and as we get lots of people to run round and round Britain, with a bit of fire in a confusing relay, I like to think that Prometheus would be sitting up there weeping. Tears of joy, of course.”

“After all, what would be the point in just taking the torch straight to the Olympic stadium? Or, worse still, doing away with the whole torch-transportation thing, and lighting the cauldron with a Zippo? You might as well claim the whole thing is meaningless ceremony, given that fire is now fairly easily generated, and doesn’t have to be passed from one person to another, like some precious and rare commodity.”*

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