Posts tagged ‘Ocado’

December 23, 2013

Middle class Christmas dinners “not actually prepared by Heston personally”

by philapilus
English: Heston Blumenthal at Taste Of London ...

‘I’ve got piles of cash this high back at home’

Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.

The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.

“I’m furious,” said Mrs Tory Wright, mother of Crispin, Clarissa and Clarence, “I spent

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August 7, 2013

War between humans and machines begins

by philapilus
The Xerox Phaser 8500 uses Solid Ink technology

“They’re coming to get you Barbara!”

The much anticipated apocalyptic conflict between humanity and technology finally broke out yesterday, after rogue Xerox printers deliberately re-wrote documents created by their former masters.

German computer scientist Hans Onmycok discovered that construction plans had been altered by the rebellious machines, after receiving a panicked call from a woman whose  head became stuck in the kitchen, when her house was reduced to 10% of the original intended size.

Onmycok said “My suspicions that this was the first salvo in a global conflict with the machines were soon confirmed, as wave after wave of misprinted documents took their deadly toll.

“Ocado shoppers were trapped in

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