Posts tagged ‘nra’

August 27, 2014

Arizona calls for mandatory firearm training for infants

by philapilus

Perfect for a child

Citizens in Arizona are campaigning for tightened gun legislation, after the killing of a gun instructor by his 9 year-old student.

The shocking and completely unforeseeable accident, in which a small child failed to control the recoil of a fully automatic Uzi submachine gun, has galvanised communities, and led to demands for laws making it illegal for 9 year-olds not to know how to handle weaponry.

Founder of

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February 24, 2014

CNN drops Piers Morgan: “Basically he’s a total asshole”

by philapilus

Britain said today it doesn’t want him back, and asked America if it could kindly just drown him in the Atlantic

Piers Morgan has had his CNN talkshow cancelled, after the news network “finally realised what a smug-faced scumbag” he actually is.

Piers Morgan had previously made a statement saying “CNN and I are parting on the best of terms.

“They are, I’m sure,  delighted with the excellent work I have done on finally laying to rest Larry King’s once-popular show, and I am particularly proud of

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February 10, 2014

People from Norfolk warned against visiting Copenhagen Zoo

by philapilus

The Foreign Office has warned people from Norfolk not to visit a zoo in Copenhagen, after the institution revealed its policy of exterminating mammals which inbreed.

‘If you don’t blow their heads off they may not survive’

One of the zoo’s giraffes, Marius, was killed with a boltgun yesterday, because zoo officials said he could endanger the gene-pool through interbreeding. 

A Foreign Office spokesman said “We are warning anyone who has shacked up with a member – or members – of their own family to avoid the zoo.

“This advice applies to any

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May 8, 2013

NRA: ‘The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a plastic gun is a good guy with a plastic bazooka’

by philapilus


Gun Con

“I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my sweaty, shaking, overexcited hands. Anyway, it’s more like a video game if it’s made of plastic. No one ever got hurt by a video game, did they?”

The National Rifle Association has today issued a statement condemning the condemnations of the world’s first 3D-printed gun.

The gun, developed by controversial company Defense Distributed, has caused alarm, as it will make deadly weapons available to anyone who downloads the blueprint off the internet and can afford the cost of 3D printing.

But Randy Bumfukwizc, spokesperson for the NRA, said “The Second Amendment directly

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February 8, 2013

News Briefs: Dorner murders prove NRA “right again”

by philapilus
Guns 001

“This floor-mounted one is in case the dog needs to shoot anybody”

A survey of people who fill out surveys indicates that the majority of people filling out surveys think the recent shootings by Christopher Jordan Dorner indicate the need for many, many more guns.

Dorner, a former policeman who posted a rambling statement online revealing his intent to kill LAPD officers, embarked on a shooting spree that has left three dead and two injured so far.

In the hunt to find him zealous policeman have also managed to shoot up random vehicles and two innocent members of the public.

NRA spokesman Dick Cheese said “Well this just goes to show! We all need guns! The police need more guns to get him, the public need guns to fire back at police in case of mistakes, and clearly Dorner needs more guns cos he’s only killed three so far! Loser!

“Um, actually hang on, can I retract that last bit?”

January 25, 2013

Anti-gun activist makes the ultimate sacrifice

by unpseudable

Well, a design like this is just asking for trouble

News has surfaced that a Trinidad and Tobago man has gone to extreme lengths to demonstrate why perhaps it’s not a great idea for everyone to have a gun.  The 33 year old security guard had a .38 caliber handgun in his pocket when it went off, shooting him right in the knob.

This appears to represent a growing movement of people hoping to prove how stupid the combination of guns and human beings can be, following a spate of groinal shootings across America, in Florida, Arizona, Oklahoma and Washington in 2012 alone.

Spokesperson for Please Shoot Your Copulating Hardware Off, Rick Splatter, said,

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January 9, 2013

Wanker of the Week

by philapilus

This week, for the first time ever, TMB’s coveted ‘Wanker of the Week’ title is shared between two total and utter wankers!

So, in no particular order:

Alex Jones

Nominated by:

The Dalai Lama

Nominated for:

“I thought enlightenment was hard to attain, but this man has achieved something infinitely more difficult than merely reaching Nirvana; he made Piers ‘the shit’ Morgan look almost pleasant and reasonable! What a fucking wanker! Please, TMB, ‘fix it for me’ and make him your wanker of the week, and I’ll be in Seventh Heaven!”


Stephen Lennon

Nominated by:

Mother Theresa

Nominated for:

“I am actually contacting you from beyond the grave to ask you to make this obnoxious little bigoted fuckwit your ‘wanker of the week’, so strongly do I feel about his awfulness. Getting him on passport fraud is a bit like getting Capone on tax evasion, but nevermind, at least he’s in prison. Lets hope he gets gangbanged by some “hard, pipe-hittin’ niggas… with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch”, to coin a phrase.

“(Also, while we’re here, can I just say that heaven is not quite what I imagined. It’s much hotter and quite a bit more fiery than I expected, and everyone is really, really horrible. I’m starting to get a bit worried…)”

January 9, 2013

Terrifying number of planets capable of producing another Alex Jones may exist

by philapilus
The Kepler-11 planetary system, with at least ...

The possibility that some of these might support whole species of Joneses has reignited the Star Wars programme

NASA revealed yesterday that as many as 461 new planets may have been discovered outside our solar system, and that, inevitably, some of them will have just the correct orbital distance and chemical make-up to allow for the existence of life-forms.

But initial enthusiasm for the discoveries, made possible by the Kepler satellite, turned to miserable pessimism, as scientists across the globe gloomily predicted that the evolution of such life-forms will inevitably culminate in the production of hateful shits like Alex Jones.

Even more worryingly, the data would indicate that our galaxy alone may have up to 17bn Earth-sized planets, giving a very high order of probability for the existence of perhaps millions of utter bastards on other worlds.

Shock-jock Jones, who

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December 20, 2012

NRA: ‘Assault rifles necessary to overthrow British Empire’

by philapilus
Light automatic Rifle Sturmgewehr 44 found in ...

The term ‘assault rifle’ is a translation of the German word ‘sturmgewehr’ (storm- rifle), coined by Adolf Hitler. Isn’t that nice?

The National Rifle Association has hit back at advocates of gun control, less than a week after the massacre of twenty children at Sandy Hook elementary school in Connecticut.

While some people saw the killings – carried out by an unhinged murderer with assault weaponry fom his mother’s private stash – as evidence of the need for new legislation, the NRA has stepped up its efforts to make ordinary Americans aware of the need for self defence.

President of the association, David Keene, said “What we need to keep sight of here is the absolute necessity of incredibly powerful and deadly weaponry in our ongoing struggle with the forces of British Imperialism.

“Too long have we been subject to tyrannical oppression from overseas. It is time for the peoples of these Northern American colonies to rise up and form

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July 26, 2012

Answer to gun violence “more guns”, according to Americans

by articulatedsheep

A consensus on gun control is emerging in the US in the aftermath of a shooting in a suburb of Denver in which a dozen people died. It is now generally thought that the principal way to combat gun violence is to ensure that more people have more, and more powerful, guns.

“It’s a logical solution,” said President Barack Obama. “The more people who have guns, the more people will be able to fight back when some madman decides to empty his magazine randomly inside a packed movie theatre.”

“Let’s face it, if everyone in that cinema had had a gun, there wouldn’t just have been one person firing indiscriminately in a darkened room – there would have been 200 people doing it.”

“Obviously that makes much more sense.”

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