Posts tagged ‘North Korea’

April 19, 2017

US armada lost at sea

by philapilus
File:Fleet 5 nations.jpg

“F*ck knows where they’re going, but they do look cool when they’re in formation don’t they?”

The US Navy has confirmed that the Carl Vinson strike group “could be pretty much anywhere”.

A spokesperson said “Look, when we said we were sending warships to North Korea we were expressing a sort of passing notion, not actual military tactics.

“It was more of a vague

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August 7, 2015

North Korea changes position of the Earth in relation to Sun

by philapilus

LORD OF TIME AS WELL AS ALL CREATION

North Korea has altered the supposedly intractable gravitational forces exerted on our planet by the Sun, in order to move out of the timezone imposed on the country by “the evil Japanese empire”.

Pyongyang announced this morning that the all-powerful Kim Jong-Un “leapt into space with one jump, and then, standing in a temporal vacuum, used his incredible muscles to move planetary alignments just enough to change the time by half an hour.

“It may sound impossible to

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December 23, 2014

North Korea temporarily unable to access Kim Jong-un pictures

by philapilus

Coping without the famous Putin vs Kim Jong-il dance-off video has been particularly gruelling

North Korean internet ground to a halt yesterday and the country remained offline for nearly ten hours, causing severe disruption to citizens’ enjoyment of articles about Kim Jong-un.

The secretive country has a vibrant and growing internet culture, consisting entirely of websites featuring the Dear Leader posing with cats, ‘FAIL’ Gifs of service personnel pratfalling in front of him, and ripped-off adult films in which his chubby little face is poorly super-imposed over Peter North’s.

As the row over the Sony cyber-attack deepens, many commentators have suggested the

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October 10, 2014

N Korea says leader has invented invisibility cloak

by philapilus

Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer

After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.

The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in

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March 27, 2014

North Korean revolution begins

by philapilus
Kim Jong-Un clapping

The must-have hairstyle for that ‘I’m a batshit mad perverted donkey-fucker’ look, that’s so ‘in’ this season

Preliminary reports suggest that bloody revolution is taking place in North Korea, after attempts to make Kim Jong-Un’s hairstyle mandatory for all men resulted in “all the barbers going completely fucking mental”.

The revolt began on Tuesday, after officials proclaimed the compulsory hairstyle via state media. Within an hour of the announcement, incensed hairdressers had downed their scissors, then, having literally nothing else, picked them up again, and stormed government buildings.

A cohort of angry barbers decimated the people’s army in a vicious battle for Pyongyang, and Kim Jong-un was forced to retreat to the countryside to regroup his

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February 18, 2014

‘North Korea possibly not as brilliant as we thought’ says UN

by philapilus

‘Well Duuuuuuuuuuh…’

A United Nations report has made the shocking claim that North Korea might not be the beautiful, happy, brilliant place depicted on the brochure Kim Jong-un sends periodically to the UN’s Geneva office.

The report comes after a year-long investigation, and details numerous, previously unguessed-at, crimes against humanity and violations of human rights.

Colin Bruce, UN Investigator, said “Oh my days, this is just awful. When they gave me the assignment I was like; ‘Investigate North Korea? Fantastic, I’ll get my bucket and spade! Holiday-time!’

“But it’s

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March 27, 2013

North Korea “May have a PC” warns US

by philapilus
toysoldiers

It’s possible that other North Korean images of military might are also lacking in veracity.

The international community has expressed grave concerns today, after an official photograph of North Korean military forces showed worrying signs of having been digitally manipulated.

US intelligence experts say they fear that North Korea may possess previously unguessed-at levels of technological competency, and might even have Windows ’98.

Whilst some observers suggest that an apparently Photoshopped image of a few hovercraft landing on a beach seems the work of a pathetically self-deluding bunch of tossers, nations with

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July 26, 2012

Sebastian Coe’s evil plan begins to unfold

by philapilus
English: 14 kiloton atomic explosion, from a 1...

Coe and Opening Ceremony organiser Danny Boyle have promised the London 2012 Olympics will “go off with a bang…”

Rumours abound this morning that yesterday’s supposedly accidental slight to the North Korean women’s football team, was actually an act of outright provocation.

North Korean players’ profiles were shown on video screens next to the South Korean flag, which led to a walk-off by the players, and a delay in the match by an hour. The Olympic organisers issued an apology to the North Koreans, and insisted it was an honest mistake.

But Mike Ock of BBC Sport said “I have been speaking to the technicians involved in producing the video display. What has begun to emerge is a very disturbing picture of intentional offence.

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