Posts tagged ‘Nicola Sturgeon’

May 7, 2015

Cameron mortified after accidentally voting for Sturgeon

by philapilus
File:David Cameron, London, Saturday, 7 January, 2012.jpg

Not the face of a man who is pleased with himself

David Cameron has said he is mortified after accidentally casting his vote for the leader of the SNP in today’s general election.

The prime minister said “I don’t know what happened, I’m in shock. There I was, having my picture taken, putting my

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April 17, 2015

Miliband disappointed after lesbian threesome fails to happen

by philapilus
Group hug

“Can I join in?”

Ed Miliband said he was devastated this morning, after the televised group hug between Nicola Sturgeon, Nathalie Bennett, and the Welsh one, failed to turn into something more erotic.

The all-female cuddle, which took place at the end of the broadcast election debate, was, said Miliband “One of the most exciting moments of my life since becoming an MP, and also one of the most disappointing.”

The Labour leader confessed “I really hoped there might be some kissing, and then maybe one of them would get out the body lotion, and

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April 17, 2015

Farage attacks BBC audience “composed entirely of time-travelling Leninists”

by philapilus

“Karl Marx is in my kitchen cupboard!

Nigel Farage has blamed the BBC for audience hostility during last night’s TV debate, claiming that the corporation had filled the seats with time-travellers from the Bolshevik USSR.

During a tirade aimed at one of his thumbs, Farage broke away to castigate the BBC and everyone in the room, saying “I’ve never seen so many Russian revolutionaries in my life! You’re all from that film with the baby carriage and the stairs, and you all want to eat my leg!”

Although David Dimbleby attempted to explain to him the process by which audiences are chosen, Farage ignored him, and shouted that he was “Having none of this darkie-loving pinko lingo” before climbing onto his lectern, and defecating noisily into his cupped hands.

The Ukip leader then

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April 9, 2015

Gatwick oil fields claimed by Scotland

by philapilus

It’s about time someone prettied up the English landscape

The SNP announced today that Scotland is officially laying claim to a newly discovered oil field near Gatwick, which is estimated to contain a potential 100bn barrels of oil.

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said “Whilst we are going to keep holding the referendum on independence every two weeks until we get the result we want, we are still very open to changing the terms of the divorce settlement.

“For instance, at first we

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May 14, 2012

Scottish government intitiative to increase consumption of meths and turpentine

by philapilus

It is hoped the new minimum price will cut per capita daily intake down to roughly this amount

The Scottish Nationalists have unveiled a bold strategy to get completely wankered Scotsmen off booze and back on to cheaper, more dangerous substances.

The move comes after calls from the medical profession, the police, charities, and even the alcohol industry, for a cull on the swelling numbers of unruly, pissed-up twats, who are currently destroying any chance the country has of entering the modern era.

Unveiling a new fifty pence minimum price for a unit of alcohol, Alex Salmond – whose political supremacy proves just how dire the national drink problem is – said “Och, wha’ ye dinnae ken iz the extent o’ tha trooble. Yon’ pissers iz go frae sprits an beer frae morn bin nacht. An’ they dinnae keel o’er frae long, long yeers. Iz a drrrain on tha’ cuntry’s feenance. E’en us Scoats iznae prood o’ sum’ o’ they. Tha’ ought tae shew ye quate how bad it iz noo.”

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